Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Humour thread.
FightBack Forums > Discussion > The Flame Pit
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
Clear Skies
After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
Mika
Bill,

One of yesterday’s posts had given me a similar idea and you will probably be able to guess which one.

Sadly, the following story is true:

Date: 01/01/2000
Location: M4 west bound approaching the M32 junction – Bristol

For those that remember New Years day in 2000, you will recall that it was a beautiful sunny day and the roads were virtually deserted – funny that.

GF: “Look, the chap behind us has got millennium headlamps.”

Me: “No he hasn’t - it’s an unmarked traffic car and he wants you to pull over - I told you to keep it bellow 100 mph.” rolleyes.gif

GF: “I am not pulling over….”

NIGHTMARE icon_eek.gif
anton
maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/"

It will get widely distrubuted at work!
318ti
The only problem is that this is such an old joke now. It's been on many a joke site and sent in many an email.

Sure there must be newer ones (and also funny ones) out there.
Talion
QUOTE (anton)
maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom  
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/"

It will get widely distrubuted at work!

and run the risk of been labellled as a spam site !!
jester
heres my contribution 4 what its worth... apologies in advance

Bloke gets pulled over by a traffic officer:

Plod : Ello ello ello, your eyes look very red sir, have you been drinking?

Driver : No officer, but your eyes look very glazed , have you been eating doughnuts?

boom boom.

Or, local news reports that all the traffic lights in the high street have been stolen. Police spokesman commented that "some people will stop at nothing".........
Talion
A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.

The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."

The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."

The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."

"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"

"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration." The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, step out of the car."

As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his truncheon and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"
Talion
Cops get caution wrong,

When Johnny was arrested, they told him, "You do not have to say anything, but anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."

========================================


Just a thought, but has anyone noticed since the hosepipe ban, confession in police custody have gone down ?
jester
These are all Tommy Cooper's work - enjoy!!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it'.

You know, somebody actually complemented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted' and I swerved ...

And he rang up a second time and said 'you've been promoted again' ...

And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'you're a Managing Director' ...

And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'what happened to you?' ...

And I said 'I careered off the road.'


laughing4.gif
Adrian
my contribution, the least i could do after all the help and advice smile.gif

While I was driving down the M1 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Copper on the other side of it with a radar gun laying in wait.

The Copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm late for work." The Copper asked me what I do for a living to which I replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, the three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

My polite reply was "You give it a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding Ticket £105.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on Copper's face...

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!
Clear Skies
http://adverts.freeloader.com/zurich/



how well can you park.. It is a battle of the sexes.

rgds
bill
Mavrik
Policeman pulls a guy for doing over 50mph in a 30 zone

Policeman : do you know what speed you was doin

man: yes officer

Policeman: do you know how long I followed you for

man: yes officer

Policeman: why when you knew I was following you did you continue at that speed

man: well officer, my wife left me to go and live with a policeman

Policeman: thats no excuse sir

man: no, but I thought you was trying to bring her back to me


laugh.gif  :lol:  :lol:
cuddlyewok
Sitting on the side of the motorway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a  Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly eleven miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "11" was the motorway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the A 120."
laugh.gif
Clear Skies
Tickets



I went shopping the other day, and I was in there for only

about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a traffic warden writing

out a parking ticket.



So I went up to him and said, "Come on, pal, how about giving

a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi with masculine deficiencies. He glared at me and

started writing another ticket for having worn tyres!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second

ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about

20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
OU812
http://www.e-database.co.uk

(has been working but wasnt when I just tried it)
Insider
A truck driver was pulled over by a Traffic Cop. The officer told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the officer.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed!" said the trucker.

********************************************************

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

********************************************************

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

********************************************************

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

********************************************************

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyser."

********************************************************

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the boot, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Road Wars?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

********************************************************
Maersk2
icon_twisted.gif
Farmers boy phones farmer from the far side of the farm and tells him that he has had an accident with the tractor.
What happened said farmer.
I hit a pig and it is trapped in the grille sqealing in agony.
OK says farmer there is a shotgun in the tractor shoot the pig.
Call finishes.

Five minutes later, phone rings again.

Farmers boy tells farmer that he has shot the pig and has disposed of the carcass in nearby woodland.

He asks what to do with the BMW motorcycle.
icon_twisted.gif 8)  8)  8)
JT
TrafPol stops young tearaway, after a prolonged and hair-raising chase. When he finally gets him to pull over the adrenaline is fairly flowing. He races up to the car and berates the young driver:

Cop: "Are you a complete bloody idiot?"
Driver: "Why, are you recruiting?"
Clear Skies
Bumper Stickers I'd like to see:

- All generalizations are false

- I'm not as think as you drunk I am

- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart

- He who laughs last thinks slowest

- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

- Born free... Taxed to death

- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the ATO

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative

- Where there's a will, I want to be in it

- OK, who stopped payment on my reality cheque
Insider
Fancy getting one of these and attempting to send it off to one of the camera partnerships...  :lol:



I don't think they'd fall for it though  :wink:
Philwalker_wba
QUOTE
Clear skies said,

QUOTE
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you


I think this should be on any new design for the mugs.

Regards ..... Phil
Quattro
I was lying in a ditch once with a motorcycle on top of me. The road was covered in skid marks and lumps of mud.

A copper stops and looks down at me. He asks, "Have an accident?"

I looked up through the smoke and replied, "No thanks, I just had one!"

--------------------------------------------------

Plod pulled me over today and asked, "Are you the driver of this vehicle sir?"

I reply, "No, it's an automatic, but I have to be here."
Insider


RoosterUK tried to post this in 'general interest' , so i've put it here  :wink:
chadders
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the Cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's
really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more
reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Ziltro
Take a look at The Process: http://www.dorsetsafetycameras.org.uk/process.htm

1. A motorist drives past one of our cameras. Note the "ghost car" shown here may sometimes affect the speed reading. The camera takes a picture of the rear of the car.

2. Evidence is fabricated. In this case it is a photograph of the front of the car.

3. Take a closer look, you can see how grainy the photo is.

4. This evidence is passed around faceless groups and eventually some bent numbers end up in PNC.

5. The "Please incriminate yourself" letter is sent out.

6. RK threatened with legal action until they pay up.

--

Andrew.
JT
Simply Brilliant! laughing4.gif
Philwalker_wba
On one of the scameraships web sites there was a similar item (sorry cant remember which now).

It was one of the flow charts where you answer the question and you go to the next box depending on your answer.  One leg led down the Fixed Penalty route ending up with you accepting it and paying up, the other down the court route, funny thing is on this route if you elected to go to court you're tried by magistrates and they determine the fine you receieve.  Bit of a freudian slip because there was no the magistrate finds you not guilty and you claim cost, which ever leg you followed you are guilty and pay up.

I wrote to ask them why, but the never replied, I wonder why.
Ziltro
I was driving on the A351 towards Corfe Castle (just after the Purbeck School roundabout) and noticed 3 signs by the side of the road. They said something along the lines of:

"Welcome to the safe Purbecks"
"Help to make them safer"
"Remove all valuables from your car"

Good advice really.

Next time I went past there were only 2 signs, I guess the 3rd had been stolen!

ps. it's back now, but it definatly went missing...

--

Andrew.
anton
New road signs to be placed
on the entrance to the countryside!



[size=18]That should cover it!
Clear Skies
Rules For Clear Writing
·  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

·  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

·  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

·  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

·  Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

·  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

·  Be more or less specific.

·  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

·  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

·  No sentence fragments.

·  Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

·  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

·  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

·  One should never generalize.

·  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

·  Don't use no double negatives.

·  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

·  One-word sentences? Eliminate.

·  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

·  The passive voice is to be ignored.

·  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

·  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

·  Do not use multiple exclamation points NOR all caps for emphasis!!!

·  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

·  Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

·  Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

·  Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

·  If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

·  Puns are for children, not groan readers.

·  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

·  Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

·  Who needs rhetorical questions?

·  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

·  The passive voice should never be used.

·  Do not put statements in the negative form.

·  A writer must not shift your point of view.

·  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

·  Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

·  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

·  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

·  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

·  Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

·  Always pick on the correct idiom.

·  The adverb always follows the verb.

·  Be careful to use the rite homonym.

·  And last...

·  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


rgds
Bill
chadders
Posted on behalf of Clear Skies

"I bet she wasn't pulled for not wearing a helmet"


(think I got the quote correct)

EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...
firefly
I can see it.  :bootyshake:  :thumbright:
Clear Skies
QUOTE (firefly)
I can see it.  bootyshake.gif  icon_thumleft.gif


whats daft, is for a reason best known to the little people working hard inside my machine,   I am unable to see it.

Thus  will have to make do with firefly's animated  bum , .  :love9:

rgds
chadders
QUOTE (Clear Skies)
firefly's animated  bum


OO-er Matron!

Well, I s'pose people will get a good look now he's a biker  :lol:
Quattro
EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...

Nope  :evil:
firefly
Peculiarly, I can no longer see it.  :?
chadders
I'm off for a long walk off a short pier ... it's always displayed for me!

What's going on with ImageShack  :?
Insider
QUOTE
What's going on with ImageShack


I think it had hit it's 'per image' bandwidth limit  :wink:

It's back now, and as I remember it's around 100mb an hour.
NoWayK
I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law.  As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand.  :roll:

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)
R v H & C (2004)[/url]]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly".
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/2003/68.html)
Randall v The Queen (2003)[/url]]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."
jeffreyarcher
QUOTE (NoWayK)
This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?

No, you misunderstand. They were talking about a complex fraud trial.
Murderers, rapists, child molesters and major fraudsters are all entitled to various protections, including that of not being required to incriminate themselves.
None of that applies in the case of a motorist.
Also, as has been discussed elsewhere, serious criminals have to be convicted before their assets are seized.
Again, motorists can now have their assets seized, not only when they have not been convicted, but when no conviction is possible.
Insider
A new graphic for the trolls  :lol:



Well, I thought it was quite amusing  :wink:
andy_foster
How about this one?

Bluedart
Lady driver stopped by the police for excess speed.

Police officer, "Good evening madam, have you any reason for exceeding the speed limit,"
Lady Driver, "well I am late and I am on my way to the police ball"
Police officer, "the police don't have balls", and quickly left the scene. icon_wink.gif
Clear Skies
[quote=NoWayK]

[quote=R v H & C (2004)]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair . These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings.


I think this is worth printing out and giving to the prosecution as part of ANYONE'S defence... or just putting on the table as you walk in !

or isnt that allowed  :roll:

rgds
Bill
anton
you MUST see this posting on safespeed houmour thread

http://www.safespeed.org.uk/forum/viewtopi...ighlight=#38558
Insider
dino2004
I got pulled over the other day for a slightly flat tyre, luckily i had a foot pump in the boot.





I whacked the cop over the head and carried on biggrin.gif
flyin flea
FPMSLMFAO!!!! laugh.gif  8)
anton
A camera partnership recently hired several cannibals as part of their communities and diversity policy.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our tea ladies has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the tea lady?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating central ticket office staff, civilian operators and press officers and no
one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2019 Invision Power Services, Inc.