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FightBack Forums _ The Flame Pit _ Humour thread.

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
Post #22722

After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"

Posted by: Mika Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 11:26
Post #22729

Bill,

One of yesterday’s posts had given me a similar idea and you will probably be able to guess which one.

Sadly, the following story is true:

Date: 01/01/2000
Location: M4 west bound approaching the M32 junction – Bristol

For those that remember New Years day in 2000, you will recall that it was a beautiful sunny day and the roads were virtually deserted – funny that.

GF: “Look, the chap behind us has got millennium headlamps.”

Me: “No he hasn’t - it’s an unmarked traffic car and he wants you to pull over - I told you to keep it bellow 100 mph.” rolleyes.gif

GF: “I am not pulling over….”

NIGHTMARE icon_eek.gif

Posted by: anton Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 18:04
Post #22764

maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/

It will get widely distrubuted at work!

Posted by: 318ti Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 20:11
Post #22768

The only problem is that this is such an old joke now. It's been on many a joke site and sent in many an email.

Sure there must be newer ones (and also funny ones) out there.

Posted by: Talion Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 21:09
Post #22775

QUOTE (anton)
maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom  
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/

It will get widely distrubuted at work!

and run the risk of been labellled as a spam site !!

Posted by: jester Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:06
Post #22837

heres my contribution 4 what its worth... apologies in advance

Bloke gets pulled over by a traffic officer:

Plod : Ello ello ello, your eyes look very red sir, have you been drinking?

Driver : No officer, but your eyes look very glazed , have you been eating doughnuts?

boom boom.

Or, local news reports that all the traffic lights in the high street have been stolen. Police spokesman commented that "some people will stop at nothing".........

Posted by: Talion Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:23
Post #22839

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.

The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."

The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."

The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."

"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"

"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration." The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, step out of the car."

As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his truncheon and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"

Posted by: Talion Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:32
Post #22840

Cops get caution wrong,

When Johnny was arrested, they told him, "You do not have to say anything, but anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."

========================================


Just a thought, but has anyone noticed since the hosepipe ban, confession in police custody have gone down ?

Posted by: jester Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:48
Post #22842

These are all Tommy Cooper's work - enjoy!!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it'.

You know, somebody actually complemented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted' and I swerved ...

And he rang up a second time and said 'you've been promoted again' ...

And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'you're a Managing Director' ...

And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'what happened to you?' ...

And I said 'I careered off the road.'


laughing4.gif

Posted by: Adrian Sat, 2 Oct 2004 - 00:23
Post #25065

my contribution, the least i could do after all the help and advice smile.gif

While I was driving down the M1 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Copper on the other side of it with a radar gun laying in wait.

The Copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm late for work." The Copper asked me what I do for a living to which I replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, the three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

My polite reply was "You give it a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding Ticket £105.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on Copper's face...

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Clear Skies Tue, 19 Oct 2004 - 17:56
Post #26685

http://adverts.freeloader.com/zurich/



how well can you park.. It is a battle of the sexes.

rgds
bill

Posted by: Mavrik Mon, 28 Feb 2005 - 13:42
Post #43869

Policeman pulls a guy for doing over 50mph in a 30 zone

Policeman : do you know what speed you was doin

man: yes officer

Policeman: do you know how long I followed you for

man: yes officer

Policeman: why when you knew I was following you did you continue at that speed

man: well officer, my wife left me to go and live with a policeman

Policeman: thats no excuse sir

man: no, but I thought you was trying to bring her back to me


laugh.gif  :lol:  :lol:

Posted by: cuddlyewok Thu, 17 Mar 2005 - 07:21
Post #46118

Sitting on the side of the motorway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a  Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly eleven miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "11" was the motorway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the A 120."
laugh.gif

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 17 Mar 2005 - 11:29
Post #46144

Tickets



I went shopping the other day, and I was in there for only

about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a traffic warden writing

out a parking ticket.



So I went up to him and said, "Come on, pal, how about giving

a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi with masculine deficiencies. He glared at me and

started writing another ticket for having worn tyres!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second

ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about

20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

Posted by: OU812 Tue, 22 Mar 2005 - 11:05
Post #46797

http://www.e-database.co.uk

(has been working but wasnt when I just tried it)

Posted by: Insider Tue, 22 Mar 2005 - 11:42
Post #46801

A truck driver was pulled over by a Traffic Cop. The officer told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the officer.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed!" said the trucker.

********************************************************

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

********************************************************

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

********************************************************

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

********************************************************

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyser."

********************************************************

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the boot, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Road Wars?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

********************************************************

Posted by: Maersk2 Wed, 18 May 2005 - 17:38
Post #54138

icon_twisted.gif
Farmers boy phones farmer from the far side of the farm and tells him that he has had an accident with the tractor.
What happened said farmer.
I hit a pig and it is trapped in the grille sqealing in agony.
OK says farmer there is a shotgun in the tractor shoot the pig.
Call finishes.

Five minutes later, phone rings again.

Farmers boy tells farmer that he has shot the pig and has disposed of the carcass in nearby woodland.

He asks what to do with the BMW motorcycle.
icon_twisted.gif 8)  8)  8)

Posted by: JT Wed, 18 May 2005 - 18:26
Post #54147

TrafPol stops young tearaway, after a prolonged and hair-raising chase. When he finally gets him to pull over the adrenaline is fairly flowing. He races up to the car and berates the young driver:

Cop: "Are you a complete bloody idiot?"
Driver: "Why, are you recruiting?"

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 13:45
Post #56434

Bumper Stickers I'd like to see:

- All generalizations are false

- I'm not as think as you drunk I am

- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart

- He who laughs last thinks slowest

- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

- Born free... Taxed to death

- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the ATO

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative

- Where there's a will, I want to be in it

- OK, who stopped payment on my reality cheque

Posted by: Insider Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 18:55
Post #56490

Fancy getting one of these and attempting to send it off to one of the camera partnerships...  :lol:



I don't think they'd fall for it though  :wink:

Posted by: Philwalker_wba Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 20:34
Post #56502

QUOTE
Clear skies said,

QUOTE
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you


I think this should be on any new design for the mugs.

Regards ..... Phil

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 4 Jun 2005 - 15:35
Post #56736

I was lying in a ditch once with a motorcycle on top of me. The road was covered in skid marks and lumps of mud.

A copper stops and looks down at me. He asks, "Have an accident?"

I looked up through the smoke and replied, "No thanks, I just had one!"

--------------------------------------------------

Plod pulled me over today and asked, "Are you the driver of this vehicle sir?"

I reply, "No, it's an automatic, but I have to be here."

Posted by: Insider Mon, 6 Jun 2005 - 22:20
Post #57090



RoosterUK tried to post this in 'general interest' , so i've put it here  :wink:

Posted by: chadders Wed, 22 Jun 2005 - 09:22
Post #59147

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the Cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's
really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more
reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Posted by: Ziltro Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 18:16
Post #60009

Take a look at The Process: http://www.dorsetsafetycameras.org.uk/process.htm

1. A motorist drives past one of our cameras. Note the "ghost car" shown here may sometimes affect the speed reading. The camera takes a picture of the rear of the car.

2. Evidence is fabricated. In this case it is a photograph of the front of the car.

3. Take a closer look, you can see how grainy the photo is.

4. This evidence is passed around faceless groups and eventually some bent numbers end up in PNC.

5. The "Please incriminate yourself" letter is sent out.

6. RK threatened with legal action until they pay up.

--

Andrew.

Posted by: JT Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 18:43
Post #60014

Simply Brilliant! laughing4.gif

Posted by: Philwalker_wba Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 22:35
Post #60038

On one of the scameraships web sites there was a similar item (sorry cant remember which now).

It was one of the flow charts where you answer the question and you go to the next box depending on your answer.  One leg led down the Fixed Penalty route ending up with you accepting it and paying up, the other down the court route, funny thing is on this route if you elected to go to court you're tried by magistrates and they determine the fine you receieve.  Bit of a freudian slip because there was no the magistrate finds you not guilty and you claim cost, which ever leg you followed you are guilty and pay up.

I wrote to ask them why, but the never replied, I wonder why.

Posted by: Ziltro Tue, 28 Jun 2005 - 00:38
Post #60047

I was driving on the A351 towards Corfe Castle (just after the Purbeck School roundabout) and noticed 3 signs by the side of the road. They said something along the lines of:

"Welcome to the safe Purbecks"
"Help to make them safer"
"Remove all valuables from your car"

Good advice really.

Next time I went past there were only 2 signs, I guess the 3rd had been stolen!

ps. it's back now, but it definatly went missing...

--

Andrew.

Posted by: anton Tue, 28 Jun 2005 - 17:03
Post #60200

New road signs to be placed
on the entrance to the countryside!



[size=18]That should cover it!

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 30 Jun 2005 - 09:57
Post #60469

Rules For Clear Writing
·  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

·  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

·  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

·  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

·  Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

·  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

·  Be more or less specific.

·  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

·  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

·  No sentence fragments.

·  Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

·  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

·  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

·  One should never generalize.

·  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

·  Don't use no double negatives.

·  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

·  One-word sentences? Eliminate.

·  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

·  The passive voice is to be ignored.

·  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

·  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

·  Do not use multiple exclamation points NOR all caps for emphasis!!!

·  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

·  Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

·  Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

·  Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

·  If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

·  Puns are for children, not groan readers.

·  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

·  Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

·  Who needs rhetorical questions?

·  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

·  The passive voice should never be used.

·  Do not put statements in the negative form.

·  A writer must not shift your point of view.

·  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

·  Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

·  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

·  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

·  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

·  Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

·  Always pick on the correct idiom.

·  The adverb always follows the verb.

·  Be careful to use the rite homonym.

·  And last...

·  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


rgds
Bill

Posted by: chadders Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 09:32
Post #61106

Posted on behalf of Clear Skies

"I bet she wasn't pulled for not wearing a helmet"
http://img298.imageshack.us/my.php?image=ygpeb2vj.jpg

(think I got the quote correct)

EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...

Posted by: firefly Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 12:28
Post #61131

I can see it.  :bootyshake:  :thumbright:

Posted by: Clear Skies Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 16:26
Post #61164

QUOTE (firefly)
I can see it.  bootyshake.gif  icon_thumleft.gif


whats daft, is for a reason best known to the little people working hard inside my machine,   I am unable to see it.

Thus  will have to make do with firefly's animated  bum , .  :love9:

rgds

Posted by: chadders Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 16:45
Post #61167

QUOTE (Clear Skies)
firefly's animated  bum


OO-er Matron!

Well, I s'pose people will get a good look now he's a biker  :lol:

Posted by: Quattro Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:12
Post #61383

EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...

Nope  :evil:

Posted by: firefly Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:15
Post #61385

Peculiarly, I can no longer see it.  :?

Posted by: chadders Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:52
Post #61394

I'm off for a long walk off a short pier ... it's always displayed for me!

What's going on with ImageShack  :?

Posted by: Insider Thu, 7 Jul 2005 - 08:09
Post #61428

QUOTE
What's going on with ImageShack


I think it had hit it's 'per image' bandwidth limit  :wink:

It's back now, and as I remember it's around 100mb an hour.

Posted by: NoWayK Fri, 8 Jul 2005 - 18:58
Post #61613

I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law.  As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand.  :roll:

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?

QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)
R v H & C (2004)[/url]]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly".
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/2003/68.html)
Randall v The Queen (2003)[/url]]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."

Posted by: jeffreyarcher Sat, 9 Jul 2005 - 21:38
Post #61684

QUOTE (NoWayK)
This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?

No, you misunderstand. They were talking about a complex fraud trial.
Murderers, rapists, child molesters and major fraudsters are all entitled to various protections, including that of not being required to incriminate themselves.
None of that applies in the case of a motorist.
Also, as has been http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.php?showtopic=6599&view=findpost&p=61682, serious criminals have to be convicted before their assets are seized.
Again, motorists can now have their assets seized, not only when they have not been convicted, but when no conviction is possible.

Posted by: Insider Sat, 9 Jul 2005 - 21:46
Post #61686

A new graphic for the trolls  :lol:



Well, I thought it was quite amusing  :wink:

Posted by: andy_foster Sat, 9 Jul 2005 - 22:05
Post #61687

How about this one?


Posted by: Bluedart Wed, 10 Aug 2005 - 19:34
Post #66546

Lady driver stopped by the police for excess speed.

Police officer, "Good evening madam, have you any reason for exceeding the speed limit,"
Lady Driver, "well I am late and I am on my way to the police ball"
Police officer, "the police don't have balls", and quickly left the scene. icon_wink.gif

Posted by: anton Wed, 10 Aug 2005 - 21:57
Post #66581

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/4135334.stm

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 11 Aug 2005 - 11:56
Post #66659

[quote=NoWayK]

[quote=R v H & C (2004)]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair . These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings.


I think this is worth printing out and giving to the prosecution as part of ANYONE'S defence... or just putting on the table as you walk in !

or isnt that allowed  :roll:

rgds
Bill

Posted by: anton Fri, 12 Aug 2005 - 06:20
Post #66773

you MUST see this posting on safespeed houmour thread

http://www.safespeed.org.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?p=38558&highlight=#38558

Posted by: Insider Mon, 15 Aug 2005 - 12:08
Post #67201


Posted by: dino2004 Thu, 18 Aug 2005 - 13:57
Post #67729

I got pulled over the other day for a slightly flat tyre, luckily i had a foot pump in the boot.





I whacked the cop over the head and carried on biggrin.gif

Posted by: flyin flea Thu, 18 Aug 2005 - 17:41
Post #67762

FPMSLMFAO!!!! laugh.gif  8)

Posted by: anton Wed, 24 Aug 2005 - 15:30
Post #68493

A camera partnership recently hired several cannibals as part of their communities and diversity policy.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our tea ladies has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the tea lady?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating central ticket office staff, civilian operators and press officers and no
one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important

Posted by: firefly Fri, 16 Sep 2005 - 07:09
Post #71766


Posted by: rooster_uk Sun, 18 Sep 2005 - 22:04
Post #72175

I got pulled over the other night.
The cop came over and asked "Have you been drinking sir?".
I replied "no"
He said " Are you sure, as I can smell alcohol?"
"It isn't me" I said
"Are you sure sir, as there is a very strong smeel of alcohol, coming from this car"
I was a bit miffed at this point and raised my voice, shouting " No! No! No!, I have not had a bloody drink"

The wife then leaned over and said, " Officer....You won't win an argument with him when he's Pi55ed"

rolleyes.gif  :roll:  :roll:

Posted by: flyin flea Sun, 2 Oct 2005 - 21:20
Post #74585

South Yorkshire Police Traffic dept. have a sense of humour......http://www.multimap.com/map/browse.cgi?lat=53.3957&lon=-1.4001&scale=10000&icon=x

(for those not in the know..... this is where South Yorkshire Traffic HQ is.... along with that chuffin nellychopter that was over my house again!!!!

Posted by: Insider Wed, 5 Oct 2005 - 09:55
Post #74985

QUOTE (Cooperman@Safespeed)
Today's Joke:

Children in class were asked what their fathers did for a living.
After the usual list of jobs like fitter, train driver, shop manager and so on, the teacher got to little Johnny, who answered, "My father's an exotic stripper in a gay bar. Sometimes he meets other men who pay him to go to hotel rooms with him".
The teacher quickly stops the discussion, but after class she asks Johnny to stay behind. She says that she is worried about him and does his father really do that.
"Oh, no, Miss, says Johnny, actually he works for the Cumbria Speed Camera Partnership,, but I don't like to admit that to my friends".


Greetings Snowy rat/fastlane/etc/etc/etc  :lol:

Posted by: Insider Fri, 21 Oct 2005 - 12:23
Post #77865

Courtesy of Safespeed..

laugh.gif

Posted by: Dixie Dean Fri, 21 Oct 2005 - 15:38
Post #77910

http://imageshack.us

Posted by: Dixie Dean Fri, 21 Oct 2005 - 16:36
Post #77924

I don't know how the car got there, but its funny them getting it out.

1. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/1998/pic10ry.jpg

2. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/8747/pic24tr.jpg

3. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/8214/pic30og.jpg

4. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/8189/pic54tc.jpg

5. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/9738/pic60tz.jpg

6. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/1650/pic74rj.jpg

7. http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/3138/pic83gd.jpg

8. http://img428.imageshack.us/img428/5820/pic45md.jpg

9. http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/1755/pic98wh.jpg

Dixie

Posted by: Orac Wed, 26 Oct 2005 - 10:48
Post #78659

Been a bit tense on the forums lately, if this doesn't make you laugh,nothing will !!

Needs sound.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

Posted by: firefly Wed, 26 Oct 2005 - 12:59
Post #78704

I'm doomed.  I will never laugh again.  :D

Posted by: chadders Fri, 28 Oct 2005 - 14:44
Post #79153

Maybe these will help you!

"Cheap as Chips"


Sure to please SNIPER...



Budget cutbacks...


My favourite, the caption "Did you know their helmets....are made to measure?"




Courtest of www.b3ta.com and their challenge: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/police

Posted by: Orac Mon, 7 Nov 2005 - 14:15
Post #80998

I love this website

http://www.policefaqs.org/Content/@1.htm

Have a look at their Top 10 Police enquiries on the left side of the page.

Right there at number 3

QUOTE
I have got a bat in my house, what should I do?


smile.gif

Posted by: OU812 Thu, 10 Nov 2005 - 15:04
Post #81719

OFFICIAL! SPEED SAVES LIVES

http://www.somenick.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/speeding.wmv

Posted by: Blackbird Sat, 12 Nov 2005 - 07:58
Post #82009

OU812  :D

Posted by: audiquattro Mon, 14 Nov 2005 - 19:43
Post #82282

Hahhahahahahhah  :wink:  :wink:

Posted by: Clear Skies Fri, 18 Nov 2005 - 13:23
Post #83147

http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.html

Posted by: flyin flea Fri, 9 Dec 2005 - 19:06
Post #86405

Christmas is a comin.... time to get those stocking fillers.....

hows about some of the models from Speak Freaks....

PC Stinger


Commisioner Wedge


Or this ironic bunch....



All can be bought for http://www.theukgiftcompany.co.uk/__14_product_select3_asp7_5_usrID36_06B66365-1AD7-4719-9AE7-EB2CD84C9C925_prtID3_8137_orderBy1_18_orderDir3_ASC6_paging1_15_start2_104_rows2_100.html

Posted by: audiquattro Fri, 9 Dec 2005 - 19:24
Post #86409

The bottom one remind you of someone??????

Shelby   icon_eek.gif  :shock:  :shock:

Posted by: Mars Fri, 9 Dec 2005 - 21:14
Post #86421

YES, YES

hahahahaha

Mars

Posted by: flyin flea Sat, 10 Dec 2005 - 01:13
Post #86453

LOL! Well I was thinkin maybe PC Stinger, but there again she's almost perversely attractive, with her big trap!!!  (PC Stinger... Not Shelley that is!)

One other thought.... Commisioner Wedge...... Herr Brainstorm icon_question.gif  :!:  :wink:

Posted by: Orac Sun, 11 Dec 2005 - 13:55
Post #86563

I'l put a pound in to send one to him for Christmas smile.gif

Posted by: MrsMiggins Sun, 11 Dec 2005 - 14:44
Post #86566

I remember a flash animation that was going around last year, I think.  Centred around getting a NIP which ruined Christmas.  Anyone remember it and have a link?

Posted by: flyin flea Tue, 13 Dec 2005 - 00:54
Post #86792

Even the Christmas cards are on to it this year!!! ....I'll post some tommorrow! wink.gif

Posted by: flyin flea Tue, 13 Dec 2005 - 12:13
Post #86846

Saw this in Birthdays card shop....

(pic by Sony Ericsson!)



......and a pack of 30 of these in a cheapo shop!!!......




[b]Merry laugh.gif

Posted by: Rallyman72 Fri, 16 Dec 2005 - 13:31
Post #87394

Nice one here of a US policewoman with her solution to speeding!


Posted by: Orac Fri, 16 Dec 2005 - 13:45
Post #87395

Please re-cycle all your wrapping paper this Christmas



Posted by: Orac Fri, 16 Dec 2005 - 13:49
Post #87397

http://www.waterford-news.ie/news/story.asp?j=12780

Posted by: Jase00 Fri, 16 Dec 2005 - 14:22
Post #87399

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/9537/cid000b01c601cf12682130fc21405.gif


laugh.gif

Posted by: Orac Tue, 20 Dec 2005 - 16:38
Post #87936


Posted by: Orac Wed, 21 Dec 2005 - 23:17
Post #88183

I even made a Christmas card


Posted by: flyin flea Fri, 23 Dec 2005 - 01:05
Post #88416

Yellow lines incorrectly signposted + fine unpayable under BoR! icon_wink.gif

Posted by: jeffreyarcher Fri, 23 Dec 2005 - 01:37
Post #88422

QUOTE (flyin flea)
Yellow lines incorrectly signposted

Double yellows don't need signs. wink.gif

Posted by: anton Mon, 2 Jan 2006 - 08:52
Post #89572

http://www.lse.co.uk/ShowStory.asp?story=HF1512726Z&news_headline=speed_camera_vandal_on_the_run

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 2 Jan 2006 - 21:08
Post #89651

Christ on a bike Has to:-

QUOTE
As part of his conditional bail, Crowley was ordered to reside at his home address with a doorstep curfew between 7pm and 7am until his next court appearance.He was also told not to be stationary within 100 metres of any GATSO camera.


He has a good defence for jumping a red light camera then blink.gif

Posted by: JT Mon, 16 Jan 2006 - 11:57
Post #91511

A pre-emptive defence...? biggrin.gif


Posted by: chadders Fri, 20 Jan 2006 - 21:22
Post #92369

For anyone who's seen the subserviant chicken...
http://www.oneofthelads.com/carwash.phpicon_eek.gif

sorry ladies, if someone emails me one with blokes I'll post a link

Posted by: Orac Fri, 17 Feb 2006 - 23:16
Post #95949




P.s. I am aware that this may not be real, funny anyway, which ever version it is smile.gif

Posted by: audiquattro Fri, 17 Feb 2006 - 23:24
Post #95952

QUOTE (chadders @ Fri, 20 Jan 2006 - 21:22) *
For anyone who's seen the subserviant chicken...
http://www.oneofthelads.com/carwash.phpicon_eek.gif

sorry ladies, if someone emails me one with blokes I'll post a link



The damm sponges aren't even wet, what good is that laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: picko Fri, 17 Feb 2006 - 23:27
Post #95954

CLEAR SKIES that 1st joke on thread....... you sod!!

there i was quietly drinking me wine when i got to the punch line i spat me wine outta' me nose!!!!

I have had a shite day and that kinda made up for it, thank you

Picko

Posted by: picko Fri, 17 Feb 2006 - 23:44
Post #95956

haven't read em all so may be here already.....

The dumb farm hand was sent to get the lunch for everyone at the local chippy, on a tractor. After about 1/2 hour the boss calls his mobile and says

"where the hell are you?"

Farm hand

" you not gonna believe this I just ran over a pig and i dunno what to do!"

Boss

" just pull him off the front of the tractor and get going lunch time is nearly over!!"

1/2 hour later

Boss

" hey where the hell are you???"

FH

" I went to pull it off but it's still moving, i'm nervous!!"

Boss

" well just go behind the seat, get the 12 bore and shoot the bloody thing!!!"

1/2 hour later

Boss

" what the hell is going on, we have had no lunch and have had to start work again!!!"

FH

" well i got the 12 bore and shot it dead, dragged it off the front of the tractor but i can't get his motorbike off the bull bars!!!"

biggrin.gif


Picko

Posted by: Clear Skies Fri, 24 Feb 2006 - 11:16
Post #96770

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
>for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been
>such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
>is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
>
>Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
>out with God. I have a question for Him."
>
>St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said,
>"Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to
>professional, you have some major design flaws in your design;
>
>1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.
>4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
>5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,and I don't
>even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.
>
>"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee
>look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
>and waited for the results.
>
>After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems
>to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
>invention than yours."

Posted by: Dixie Dean Sat, 25 Feb 2006 - 19:33
Post #96902

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the
owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the
owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying sod told you I was speeding, too.

Posted by: Insider Tue, 7 Mar 2006 - 23:47
Post #97860




















Posted by: Wax-eater Wed, 8 Mar 2006 - 15:09
Post #97928

Actual call centre conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".



Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
AND
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

AND

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".



Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"



Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".



Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff our computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Posted by: Clear Skies Sat, 11 Mar 2006 - 10:20
Post #98241

I may of posted this somewhere before..
but for those that havent seen it.. ..


http://eclectech.co.uk/clarkeidcards.php

rgds
bill

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 11 Mar 2006 - 18:29
Post #98274

I bought an old Lada the other day but had to take it back to the dealership.

The salesman wanted to know what was wrong with it.

I said that I could only get up to 75 going up Acorn Hill.

He was astounded saying that Acorn Hill was very steep and getting up to 75 was incredible. What did I want from a car?

I said that I live at number 91!!

Posted by: Wax-eater Sun, 12 Mar 2006 - 07:27
Post #98305

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me"

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

Posted by: Insider Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 08:26
Post #98367

Anyone for a trip to Penrith train station? blush.gif



Posted by: Wax-eater Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 15:11
Post #98444

An Aussie ventriloquist visiting the outback walks into a small village and decides he'll have a little fun.

Aussie: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"

Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk"

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

The farmer is astonished.

Aussie: "Is this chap your owner?"

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The farmer's mouth falls open in utter disbelief.

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."

Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Now the farmer is absolutely dumbfounded.

Aussie: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep"

Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The Farmer staggers back in amazement.

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Farmer: "The sheep's a liar!"

Posted by: Quattro Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 18:32
Post #98478

QUOTE (Insider @ Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 08:26) *
Anyone for a trip to Penrith train station? blush.gif





laugh.gif laugh.gif

There is apparently a sign at one of the medical centres in Doncaster which reads, "For family planning advice, please use the rear entrance!"

Posted by: Heyloft Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 01:12
Post #98826

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little over 500 employees, yet has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you guess which organization this is?

They are members of the Houses of Parliament, that's the same group that produces hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in check.

Posted by: Quattro Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 08:21
Post #98830

QUOTE (Heyloft @ Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 01:12) *
3 have done time for assault


2 of them were John Prescott! B)

Posted by: Orac Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 17:06
Post #98889

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/congress.htm

Posted by: Heyloft Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 19:02
Post #98900

QUOTE (Orac @ Thu, 16 Mar 2006 - 17:06) *
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/congress.htm



Well now isn't that funny in itself tongue.gif

Posted by: Rallyman72 Fri, 17 Mar 2006 - 08:56
Post #98943

Ah - the old urban legends job just transported to the House of Commons from Congress!

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 18 Mar 2006 - 09:51
Post #99031

Whilst Receiving the usual email dross this morning I came across a joke that I couldn't but help thinking of our respected and much loved Andy Foster, so we will imagine the Rac caller as , say, Joshydee ( for those of you who are new, he was a sort of chocolate welding rod or put another way a one short of a 6 pack) and the operator....leave that to your imagination....

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Regards TB

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 18 Mar 2006 - 10:05
Post #99034

Whilst on the subject of Jossydee, there's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is apparently a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"


Regards TB

Posted by: andy_foster Sat, 18 Mar 2006 - 17:14
Post #99057

TB,

Whilst these are undeniably hilarious, they were also posted on the previous page, by Wax Eater...

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 18 Mar 2006 - 22:06
Post #99070

ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh POO!!!!!!!!!


Edit after edit due to excessive intake of alcohol due to my beloved England Loosing again at rugger.

Posted by: Wax-eater Sun, 19 Mar 2006 - 19:40
Post #99125

A_F wrote...

QUOTE
they were also posted on the previous page, by Wax Eater...


Thats because Tinbasher and I move in the same circles blush.gif

(PS Tinbasher, have you finished that photo shoot yet that you borrowed my car for?

Posted by: TINBASHER Sun, 19 Mar 2006 - 21:15
Post #99130

Certainly Sir, shall I send Miss Money-penny around with it or would you prefer Quartermaster biggrin.gif

Posted by: Insider Sun, 19 Mar 2006 - 22:02
Post #99136

No, that was MY car that he borrowed for a photo shoot, and I expect it delivered back shortly laugh.gif

I wish sad.gif

Posted by: Clear Skies Tue, 21 Mar 2006 - 10:42
Post #99300

this is not for the easily offended..

click the link LISTEN try song number 8 london underground..

rgds

http://www.amateurtransplants.com/

Posted by: Orac Tue, 21 Mar 2006 - 23:26
Post #99410

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's Friendly Greeting to traffic warden

http://www.break.com/index/primeminister.html

Posted by: flyin flea Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 00:38
Post #99668

Enter and execute DOS commands on your ISPs web server......

Click your mouse at the prompt and away you go......


Posted by: Wax-eater Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 08:45
Post #99673

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 09:50
Post #99684

BRILLIANT, Me an her indoors killing ourselves laughing.

Regards TB

Posted by: Quattro Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 17:48
Post #99737

QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 08:45) *
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire.


Yet the Witless and Swindle scamera partnership still find it difficult to find people dumb enough to join them? tongue.gif

Posted by: joinaman Fri, 24 Mar 2006 - 21:30
Post #99759

Three True Cop Stories

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


Little Old Lady On Trial

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Posted by: Wax-eater Thu, 30 Mar 2006 - 11:31
Post #100359

German coastguard (quite amusing make sure you have the volume on)

http://www.aluxurytravelblog.com/fun/WeAreSinking.swf

Posted by: Heyloft Fri, 31 Mar 2006 - 13:49
Post #100665



Nice sign

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 10 Apr 2006 - 21:39
Post #102229

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 10 Apr 2006 - 22:02
Post #102233

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE DRIVING TOO FAST

 

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 12 Apr 2006 - 21:48
Post #102575

A bit of useless information


On Thursday in four weeks time,at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 A.M.in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your normal stuff.

Edit...yes it will, 3006,4006 etc. I wonder if there will still be speed cameras? I will let you know then

Posted by: Heyloft Wed, 12 Apr 2006 - 22:53
Post #102593

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Wed, 12 Apr 2006 - 22:48) *
A bit of useless information


On Thursday in four weeks time,at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 A.M.in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your normal stuff.

Edit...yes it will, 3006,4006 etc. I wonder if there will still be speed cameras? I will let you know then


and in 2106, 2206, 2306 etc......

but here we go:

what do frogs wear on their feet...

open TOAD sandals............


My 7year old told me that and I actually laughed out loud till he said "Dad, it wasn't that funny" icon_redface.gif
I am now ashamed of myself.

Posted by: Wax-eater Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 05:09
Post #102624

QUOTE
My 7year old told me that and I actually laughed out loud till he said "Dad, it wasn't that funny"


From a similar source,

Question...................... "Why did 100 chickens cross the road?"


Answer........................."They were auditioning for the part in the joke!!"


(I remember being kept in at school one lunchtime by our history teacher until 12.34pm on 5th June '78 for the 'never to be repeated' 12345678)

Posted by: fatboytim Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 12:36
Post #102717

August 1990
12:34:56 7/8/90.

My birthday on 20th Feb 2002
20:02 2002

Not very humourus but best I can remember.
fbt

Posted by: Heyloft Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 13:46
Post #102741

QUOTE (fatboytim @ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 13:36) *
August 1990
12:34:56 7/8/90.

My birthday on 20th Feb 2002
20:02 2002

Not very humourus but best I can remember.
fbt



mine last year was 05/05/05 equally useless but there you are

Posted by: Orac Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 13:49
Post #102742

I'm a 17/4/71 smile.gif

Posted by: Heyloft Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 13:53
Post #102744

QUOTE (Orac @ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 14:49) *
I'm a 17/4/71 smile.gif



my what a small waist you have my dear smile.gif

Posted by: Rallyman72 Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 14:45
Post #102752

And I've seen 9/9/99 and hope to see (God willing) 09/09/09

Posted by: Orac Fri, 21 Apr 2006 - 09:40
Post #104249

Made my wife laugh



A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."


Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. " The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful should remember...... fairies are female.

Posted by: Quattro Fri, 21 Apr 2006 - 17:34
Post #104342

QUOTE (Heyloft @ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 14:53) *
QUOTE (Orac @ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 - 14:49) *

I'm a 17/4/71 smile.gif



my what a small waist you have my dear smile.gif


Big arse though!!

My car has the time and date on the dashboard and it came to me the other day, when sitting in Yorkshire's biggest car park, the M1, that at 8.06 PM on 20th June, it will read

20:06 20:06
2006


I think I have too much time on my hands! huh.gif

Posted by: Insider Fri, 21 Apr 2006 - 22:18
Post #104380

Traffic Light Wars laugh.gif

Oh these are just as FAF

Drowning


This one's especially for "Commander Tinbasher" and the crew of the "Tinbasher Enterprise" B)


Taser


The Traffic Matrix



Stargate

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 21 Apr 2006 - 23:57
Post #104392

Commander TB says laugh.gif tongue.gif wub.gif angel13.gif blob10.gif blob9.gif blob8.gif blob7.gif blob6.gif blob5.gif blob3.gif blob1.gif hello2.gif hello2.gif hello2.gif

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 26 Apr 2006 - 18:32
Post #105126

this is the last time I want to hear anyone complain about my english in my postings.

Bill

quote..

Given that Colin has managed to destroy the hard drive of his PC, you may find the following helpful in understanding the next set of minutes he manages to produce:



Hope you can read this -



Olny srmat poelpe can.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Posted by: Mika Thu, 27 Apr 2006 - 10:52
Post #105252

QUOTE (Clear Skies @ Wed, 26 Apr 2006 - 19:32) *
this is the last time I want to hear anyone complain about my english in my postings.

Thanks for letting us know the language you are attempting to use. blink.gif

Posted by: Orac Thu, 27 Apr 2006 - 12:37
Post #105281

Shame our avatars don't allow ones of 180Kb, cough, cough







.

Posted by: Insider Fri, 28 Apr 2006 - 21:41
Post #105502

QUOTE (Orac @ Thu, 27 Apr 2006 - 13:37) *
Shame our avatars don't allow ones of 180Kb, cough, cough


All I can say is Thank god for the limit tongue.gif

Posted by: Orac Fri, 28 Apr 2006 - 21:57
Post #105504

You need to crank up your speakers for this one.

What ordering your Pizza might be like in the year 2010 ... scarily realistic, DVLA probably will want one of these systems.

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

Posted by: Clear Skies Mon, 1 May 2006 - 10:52
Post #105781

QUOTE (Orac @ Fri, 28 Apr 2006 - 22:57) *
You need to crank up your speakers for this one.

What ordering your Pizza might be like in the year 2010 ... scarily realistic, DVLA probably will want one of these systems.

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927



ORAC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a humour thread . Not a make us all so F*ck*ng miserable thread..


rgds
Bill

will pass it on and make my mates mis as well.

Posted by: Orac Mon, 1 May 2006 - 23:08
Post #105877

Haha, the website from the makers of the video is quite an interresting read aswell smile.gif

Posted by: Orac Tue, 2 May 2006 - 15:45
Post #105989

Not too rude, honest

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first.
Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more . Two asses they
come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta
time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell
"Mississippi'."


I'VE GOT £5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN...

.

Posted by: Heyloft Sat, 6 May 2006 - 20:18
Post #106808

Given that John Prescott now has loads of free time, perhaps now is the time to bombard this MP with any questions the forum could come up with.

um.....I'm not shagging him though, cos I can't do shorthand !


(shorthand >>>inuendo ralated to the tabloid stories about the size of his tiny cock appendage)


Even if no other member smiles at this post, it has kept me amusted for the last 3 mins biggrin.gif

Posted by: Wax-eater Sat, 6 May 2006 - 21:44
Post #106819

Apparently the Conservatives are being blamed for John Prescotts latest problems........................................................................
...........................Maggie Thatcher abolished the free eyesight tests!

Posted by: Heyloft Sun, 7 May 2006 - 09:58
Post #106853

QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Sat, 6 May 2006 - 22:44) *
Apparently the Conservatives are being blamed for John Prescotts latest problems........................................................................
...........................Maggie Thatcher abolished the free eyesight tests!


boom boom biggrin.gif

Posted by: Insider Sun, 7 May 2006 - 10:31
Post #106857

QUOTE (Heyloft @ Sun, 7 May 2006 - 10:58) *
QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Sat, 6 May 2006 - 22:44) *

Apparently the Conservatives are being blamed for John Prescotts latest problems........................................................................
...........................Maggie Thatcher abolished the free eyesight tests!


boom boom biggrin.gif


Wasn't that

"Bang Bang" tongue.gif

Posted by: Heyloft Sun, 7 May 2006 - 11:32
Post #106872

QUOTE (Insider @ Sun, 7 May 2006 - 11:31) *
QUOTE (Heyloft @ Sun, 7 May 2006 - 10:58) *

QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Sat, 6 May 2006 - 22:44) *

Apparently the Conservatives are being blamed for John Prescotts latest problems........................................................................
...........................Maggie Thatcher abolished the free eyesight tests!


boom boom biggrin.gif


Wasn't that

"Bang Bang" tongue.gif


you are on the right track, but probably more like

"Bang"......sweat get breath back...."Bang"......sweat get breath back..."Bang"

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt with 3 ! blink.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Tue, 9 May 2006 - 20:10
Post #107413

Seen the latest from the BBC...............

 

Posted by: Heyloft Tue, 9 May 2006 - 20:14
Post #107414

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Tue, 9 May 2006 - 21:10) *
Seen the latest from the BBC...............


"Ginsters Pies" - a gem biggrin.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Tue, 9 May 2006 - 20:58
Post #107422

"GARGANTUAN ARSE" was that referring to his boss?

Regards CTB

Posted by: Quattro Tue, 9 May 2006 - 22:46
Post #107438

AOL news said the other day that Police were probing Prescott.

Bit of a change in direction then biggrin.gif



QUOTE
Meanwhile, Scotland Yard has confirmed it is looking into a complaint that Mr Prescott broke the law by allegedly having sex in his Whitehall office.

The formal complaint - in letter form - was sent to Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair by Alistair Watson.

Mr Watson, a retired police officer, cited the case of a Greater Manchester police officer who was sentenced to 200 hours' community service after he had sex with a woman three times at her home while he was on duty.

Posted by: Mars Wed, 10 May 2006 - 07:41
Post #107473

QUOTE (Quattro @ Tue, 9 May 2006 - 23:46) *
AOL news said the other day that Police were probing Prescott.


carefully and with barge pole tongue.gif

Posted by: Mika Wed, 10 May 2006 - 07:49
Post #107476

Enjoyed the following text message:

QUOTE
What have John Prescott and MFI flat-pack got in common? A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole ****ing cabinet falls apart.

Posted by: Quattro Tue, 16 May 2006 - 23:54
Post #108896

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop.

The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"

The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."

The cop replied "You idiot, that's your air freshener."

Posted by: TINBASHER Thu, 18 May 2006 - 19:07
Post #109291

What goes beep, beep, beep, beep,?




Arsenal's open top coach, reversing back in to the garage! crybaby2.gif

Posted by: Rallyman72 Fri, 19 May 2006 - 09:10
Post #109397

Tired of traffic jams - want an excuse for that speeding ticket - then these are just the item you want.....

Posted by: Insider Sun, 21 May 2006 - 15:03
Post #109747

Slightly worrying laugh.gif



Posted by: Heyloft Sun, 21 May 2006 - 16:52
Post #109755

QUOTE (Insider @ Sun, 21 May 2006 - 16:03) *
Slightly worrying laugh.gif




Why, its a plane. As all the windows are already closed, you can just switch it off and on again tongue.gif

Posted by: Blackbird Mon, 22 May 2006 - 08:29
Post #109817

THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, MAY 2006.

Information Release.

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:

-overtaking in dangerous places;

-hovering within one inch of the car in front;

-stopping sharply;

-speeding in residential areas;

-pulling out without indication;

-performing U turns inappropriately in busy highstreets;

-under taking on motorways and

-taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

Posted by: fairygothmother Wed, 24 May 2006 - 07:18
Post #110189

Thought it was about time I added to this thread as it has given me so many laughs!!

Think the ladies will appreciate this more than the gents, but.....

http://www.controlancy.co.uk/fun/lost_jewels.htm Needs Sound!

http://www.automotoportal.com/article/Wild_accidents_captured_in_Lefortovo_Tunnel_video Just press play!

http://www.break.com/index/patiencechild.html Better with sound, a bit long but hilarious nonetheless!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3WX9D19eRA&feature=Recent&page=1&t=t&f=b Needs sound.

Enjoy!
Fairy

Posted by: chadders Wed, 24 May 2006 - 15:08
Post #110292

http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html (flash I think needed)

One for Maths for Fun & Insight....

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 24 May 2006 - 17:41
Post #110322

I will give you a clue...the number 9

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 24 May 2006 - 21:28
Post #110390

and a second....check out the symbols that are a multiple of 9 ie 9,18,27,36.... They will always be the same


Ok Ok. Take ANY two numbers, say 23. Add the 2 and 3 = 5. deduct from 23 = 18 and what is 18...yes 2x9. The trick here is that it doesn't matter what numbers you choose they will always be a multiple of 9 and as any of the symbols that are a multiple of 9 are the same, Hey Presto, Magic

Looks like the sort of trick the scammers could use trying to convince folk speed cameras work

Posted by: chadders Wed, 24 May 2006 - 23:09
Post #110419

lol after a couple of goes yes spotted it!

just shows you're attention to detail, must be all those parking diagrams!

Posted by: Insider Wed, 24 May 2006 - 23:27
Post #110423

QUOTE
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun
standing there.

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I
hide under your skirts
for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came
running along and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled
out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but
you see I don't want to go to Iraq.

"The nun said, "I think I can fully understand
your fear.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude
or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little
higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq
either
QUOTE
Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £100.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-Carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast - bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, waffles, fried bread, mushrooms, black pudding and a big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a mug of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the mug.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the five pounds for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 26 May 2006 - 20:54
Post #110775

Oh dear this is bad news

http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/5449/hippothedwarf332dz.jpg
http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/8393/troubleindenmark113pr.jpg
http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/1355/unbelieveable220bs.jpg

Regards TB

Posted by: Heyloft Fri, 26 May 2006 - 21:37
Post #110781

What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?

a microwave won't make your meat go brown blink.gif

Posted by: Blackbird Sat, 27 May 2006 - 10:06
Post #110821

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million and, remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your

question: What type of animal lives in a set?

Is it:

a) a badger

B) a ferret

c) a mole or

d) a cuckoo

Sven ponders for a while and says; "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says; "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going

to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm: I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with

your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss - one hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven. "I'll go with David; the answer is Badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer; you've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night; I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a

call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Posted by: TINBASHER Sun, 28 May 2006 - 18:32
Post #110972

Information Release

There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous drivers. This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

From the middle of May 2006 all those drivers who are found to be a potential hazard to all other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red cross. This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display two flags, one on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and limited driving intelligence.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can, in order that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Department of Transport

Posted by: Fredd Sun, 28 May 2006 - 19:02
Post #110976

I thought it was quite funny the http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2684&view=findpost&p=109817 blush.gif as well!

Posted by: andy_foster Sun, 28 May 2006 - 20:43
Post #110985


Posted by: Heyloft Sun, 28 May 2006 - 21:12
Post #110991

Subtle !

Posted by: anton Wed, 31 May 2006 - 17:46
Post #111341

When I die,
I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

Posted by: Insider Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 09:57
Post #111811

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1310917

http://www.grapheine.com/classiktv/classiktv_play.php?id=21235


Sorry gent's couldn't resist - i'll bet others can come up with much better subs laugh.gif

Posted by: Maths For Fun And Insight Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 12:22
Post #111824

QUOTE (chadders @ Wed, 24 May 2006 - 16:08) *
http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html (flash I think needed)

One for Maths for Fun & Insight....

Sorry - I've only just seen this - but here's the algebra:

digit 1: a
digit 2: b

The number you will be looking at on the symbol screen will be

10a + b - a - b

This simplifies to 9a. 9a is always divisible by 9.

As has already been pointed out, all numbers on the symbol board which are divisible by 9 will have the same symbol - the one the wicked witch will show you.



QUOTE (Insider @ Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 10:57) *
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1310917

http://www.grapheine.com/classiktv/classiktv_play.php?id=21235

Brilliant!

Posted by: audiquattro Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 14:35
Post #111831

Dear ?????,
On the Chester High road we have been allowed to put a hidden speed camera to catch motorists
speeding. We are very sorry to inform you that this camera caught you speeding on the 15th May,
and we consider this very dangerous to you and other motorists. The limit on the Chester High Road
is 50mph and you were doing 89mph which works out at nearly 40mph over the speed limit!! This is
very serious and we would like you to take place in court on Friday 16th of June 2006. More details
of where and when will be decided within the next 5 working days, these details will be sent to you
either in the post or email. Please contact a solicitor with immediate effect to discuss your options.
You will most likely be charged a fine, however, the judge may further your penalty with a few weeks
in local cells. Please email us back at speeding@cheshire.uk to choose whats best, for us to email
yu the details or get them sent in the post
Regards,
Bob Raulnut

Working with cheshire police to help make our county a better place.



I recieved this today via email

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 15:11
Post #111834

QUOTE (audiquattro @ Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 15:35) *
Dear ?????,
On the Chester High road we have been allowed to put a hidden speed camera to catch motorists
speeding. We are very sorry to inform you that this camera caught you speeding on the 15th May,
and we consider this very dangerous to you and other motorists. The limit on the Chester High Road
is 50mph and you were doing 89mph which works out at nearly 40mph over the speed limit!! This is
very serious and we would like you to take place in court on Friday 16th of June 2006. More details
of where and when will be decided within the next 5 working days, these details will be sent to you
either in the post or email. Please contact a solicitor with immediate effect to discuss your options.
You will most likely be charged a fine, however, the judge may further your penalty with a few weeks
in local cells. Please email us back at speeding@cheshire.uk to choose whats best, for us to email
yu the details or get them sent in the post
Regards,
Bob Raulnut

Working with cheshire police to help make our county a better place.

I recieved this today via email


Blimey, can they get your email address from your number plate now?

Posted by: picko Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 15:18
Post #111835

QUOTE (anton @ Mon, 2 Jan 2006 - 09:52) *
http://www.lse.co.uk/ShowStory.asp?story=HF1512726Z&news_headline=speed_camera_vandal_on_the_run


I noticed the term "revenue" was used LOL

Posted by: Wax-eater Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 21:58
Post #111863

Two builders (Dave and Kevin) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub, when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Kevin: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of
beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...

Dave: - Scuse me ... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
pond.Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large
garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It
myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life !

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Kevin: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Kevin: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Kevin: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker!

Posted by: Maths For Fun And Insight Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 10:52
Post #111901

QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Sat, 3 Jun 2006 - 22:58) *
I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

I'm sure you're all dying to know how reasoning works - so here goes: there are 3 types of reasoning:

1. Deductive (Clyde is an elephant. All elephants are grey. Therefore Clyde is grey)

2. Abductive (Clyde is grey. Elephants are grey. Therefore Clyde is an elephant)

3. Inductive (Clyde is an elephant, and Clyde is Grey. Helena is an elephant, and Helena is grey. Therefore all elephants are grey)

While Sherlock Holmes is famous for deductive reasoning, almost every piece of reasoning of his that I have looked at, like the "Logical Scientist" of the story above, is actually abductive reasoning.

In order to go from "outdoor pond" to "doesn't masturbate" took 5 steps (--> large garden --> large house --> married --> sexually active --> doesn't masturbate). To have a 50% chance of being correct, each of these steps must have a probability of 1/(2^(1/5)) (approx 87%) chance of being correct. The married --> sexually active step looks particularly suspect in this respect... tongue.gif

Posted by: Quattro Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 11:22
Post #111905

QUOTE (Maths For Fun And Insight @ Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 11:52) *
While Sherlock Holmes is famous for deductive reasoning,


Is that him with the bright yellow front door? cool.gif

Posted by: Heyloft Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 11:44
Post #111911

Old adverts just don't mean what they used to






and....Thoughts for Modern Living

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.


AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...

Posted by: Quattro Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 12:11
Post #111915

QUOTE (Heyloft @ Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 12:44) *
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



or


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will lie around in a boat all day drinking beer.

Posted by: Insider Sun, 4 Jun 2006 - 22:58
Post #111970

Harmonic Vibrations for Engineers





And Harmonic Vibrations for NON Engineers



blink.gif

Posted by: Quattro Wed, 7 Jun 2006 - 17:49
Post #112435

Beckham has taken Rooney to the docs and demanded of the Doctor that Rooney MUST be allowed to play.

The Doctor thinks about it and says, "He may be able to play if we give him a Cordozone Injection!"

Beckham gets very upset by this and whinges, "If he gets a new car, I WANT ONE!!!"

Posted by: Insider Wed, 7 Jun 2006 - 23:15
Post #112505

Oh no, Football jokes..... icon_oak.gif

If this carries on i'll have to get out my special e-ticket book laugh.gif

Posted by: Jase00 Fri, 9 Jun 2006 - 07:00
Post #112728

A Traffic cop in London pulled over a boy racer for speeding. Instead of simply writing the ticket, the cop made a point of lecturing the lad and generally throwing his weight around.
When he finally started writing the ticket, the cop kept waving away flies that were buzzing around his head.
Asked the lad, "You having a problem with circle flies?"
The cop asked what 'circle flies' were. The lad explained that circle flies were always found buzzing around the rear end of a horse.
The cop stopped writing after a few seconds. "Are you calling me a horses' behind?" he asked the lad.
"No, Sir!" replied the driver. "I have too much respect for lawmen to suggest that."
"That's good," said the cop as he continued writing.

After a few more seconds, the lad said, "Can't fool them flies, though."
biggrin.gif

Posted by: g_attrill Sat, 10 Jun 2006 - 20:15
Post #112972

More H&S:
[attachment=896:attachment]

For your mum:



Makes me feel odd (maybe change this to "READ THE FAQ"!):

Posted by: g_attrill Sat, 10 Jun 2006 - 20:27
Post #112973

Some other stuff:

News channels: J-Lo job:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z25_DTxYP4

News channels: Dangerous intersection...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-3nyl5Rc_A

News channels: Not sure how she could make this mistake....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Fd97hVVD9U

What goes on in call centres
http://www.callcentermovie.com/

New Weird Al song:
http://www.weirdal.com/

Renault 5+caravan = disaster:
http://media.putfile.com/Renault5

Posted by: flashman Fri, 16 Jun 2006 - 08:18
Post #113993

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIYSiGtJwI&search=Speeding

Safety Video happy.gif

Posted by: Wax-eater Wed, 28 Jun 2006 - 16:58
Post #116401

Student's answer to a chemistry mid-term what this guy wrote for his mid-term essay:

The following is an actual question given on a Washington University chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

(Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following):

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Posted by: Wax-eater Sat, 1 Jul 2006 - 08:10
Post #116919

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog
past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace
himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on His jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough,there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
quid?!"

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 1 Jul 2006 - 08:47
Post #116927

QUOTE (Wax-eater @ Sat, 1 Jul 2006 - 09:10) *
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
quid?!"


LMAO - but her hair is worth far more than that!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 1 Jul 2006 - 09:14
Post #116931

I had to drive the works van home the other night and noticed a very sexy hitchhiker wiggling along the road. Being (for one night only) a white van man I found it necesary to either letch at her or pick her up, so I picked her up.

During the journey, she started winking at me then blowing me kisses. I checked my pulse to check I was still alive, then asked her if she was ok. She replied that she was a bit kinky and always fancied doing it with a white van man in the back of a white van!! Checked my pulse again, and it was working even better now.

After about 40 minutes of doing naughties in the back of the van she started shouting 'whip me, whip me!!' Being from Dorset and not into these things I had to refuse, but she insisted that she could never be satisfied unless she was whipped! A little stunned by this, I had a look around in the van but couldn't find anything to whip her with so I got out and had a look around the lay by. Nearly given up, I suddenly notice that the van has one of those rubber duck ariels on the roof. I clamber up and unscrew it, then get back into the van and start whipping her. She goes wild, screaming 'harder' at me until she explodes and then lies there repeating the word, 'wow' for a few minutes.

The following day I spy her walking along the road again and stop to say hello.

She is not very nice, crying and screaming obscenities at me. I try to calm her doen but she says, "I have had to go to the doctor because of you, you f****** B******! Those whip marks on my back have gone septic and are very sore."

I tried to calm her down and asked what the doctor had said, and she relied, "well, apparently, (pause to surpress sobbing) you have given me a van aerial disease!!"

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 1 Jul 2006 - 09:42
Post #116934

A bloke is driving home late one night when he sees a woman standing n the road, waving her arms about. He stops for her and she says that she has been out walking and it got dark, could she just have a lift. After a short while she looks over at him and says, "Would you mind pulling into the next lay by and showing me that you are a man?"

He is stunned by this but does as asked and spends an hour in the back with her getting some serious excercise and satisfying her womanly urges.

They restart their journey but after a few minutes she says, "That was just great, but can you do it again? I have so much passion, I need you again!!" They stop again and he tries very hard to satisfy her again for about 5 minutes.

They get started down the road again and she starts to ask again but he interupts and says, "Look, I will give it another go, but I need a drink first."

He pulls into the next pub and under her instruction, pulls into the darkest part of the car park. She says ,"Don't be long. I will be waiting for you."

He goes into the pub and starts sinking pints like they are going out of fashion. The barman asks him why he seems so uptight and he explains the situation.

The bar man asks, "So she is out ther now, waiting for you to get into the back of your car and give her some loving?"

"Yep," he answers.

The bar man leaves a bottle of whisky on the bar and says, "I am about your build, help yourself to any drinks, I will sort her out for you." and then, borrowing the strangers coat for disguise, disappears out into the car park and quickly gets into the car to find a very passionate woman awaiting him.

After about ten minutes a tap on the window followed by a torch beam interupts them.

The bar man winds down the window to see a young copper who askes, "What all this 'ere then?"

The bar man replies, "This is my pub, my car park and I am making love in this car to my wife, so what is it to you?"

The young copper repiles, "Sorry sir, I didn't realise it was your wife," to wit the bar man says, "Neither did I until you shone that f****** torch through the window!"

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 6 Jul 2006 - 12:46
Post #117922

Subject: DEFENSIVE DRIVING TEST

Situational Awareness

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a
fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your
car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you
is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
,
,
,
,
,
,,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pi**ed.

Posted by: Heyloft Tue, 11 Jul 2006 - 14:55
Post #119037


Posted by: Wax-eater Mon, 17 Jul 2006 - 19:35
Post #120240

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

smile.gif means a smile and

sad.gif is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ARSE-ICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_£_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Silly Arse

Posted by: Maths For Fun And Insight Mon, 17 Jul 2006 - 20:52
Post #120264

Would, then, a "real smartarse" be overweight?

(_E=mc^2,m=e/c^2,c=(e/m)^0.5_) glare.gif

Posted by: andy_foster Mon, 17 Jul 2006 - 22:05
Post #120281

A "real smart arse" would be (_E^2=p^2.c^2+m^2.c^4_)

Posted by: chadders Tue, 18 Jul 2006 - 07:22
Post #120332

At the risk of this moving to flame thread...

{Edit}

Wrong! at the risk of it being moderated into non-existence correct. wink.gif

Posted by: DIPPER Mon, 24 Jul 2006 - 12:11
Post #121597

> Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear.
> The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
> and control towers around the world.....

> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
> ============================================================


> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

> "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

> "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> ===========================================================


> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
> f... ing bored!"

> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> immediately!"

> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
> ============================================================


> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
> little Fokker in sight."
> ============================================================


> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.. While
attempting
> to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
> position?"

> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> ============================================================


> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out
> after touching down.

> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

> of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
> Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
> to the airport."
> ============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
> the following:

> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
> English."

> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany. Why must I speak English?"

> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
> ============================================================

>
> =============================================================

> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
> short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian
> in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?"

> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
> a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
> yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
> =================================================

> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
> them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
> exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
> call sign Speedbird 206.

> Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> now."

> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

> didn't land."
> ============================================================

> While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
> flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to

> nose with a United 727.

> An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
> "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
onto
> Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
> it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get

> it
right!"

> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
> forever
to
> sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
> You can expect progressive ta xi instructions in about half an hour
> and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
> how I tell you! You got that,
> US Air 2771?"

> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
> control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal

> bashing of US Air 2771.

> Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current
> state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
> definitely running high.

> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
> asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> ==============================================================

>

Posted by: abeefxx Mon, 24 Jul 2006 - 13:11
Post #121620

ahahah they made me laugh so hard were did you get them from i would love to read more!

Posted by: DIPPER Wed, 26 Jul 2006 - 20:52
Post #122202

Courtesy of my son who works for BA

Posted by: soft_lad Wed, 26 Jul 2006 - 23:07
Post #122230

in a similar vein...

 

Posted by: Blackbird Mon, 31 Jul 2006 - 16:50
Post #123040


Posted by: Insider Fri, 4 Aug 2006 - 15:33
Post #124026

Yes it's real, (its a "bait" of a 419 Nigerian scammer) and funny as hell.. laugh.gif

(Ps. click on the image!)

http://yeawhatever.catholiccall.org/skeleton

Posted by: Clear Skies Tue, 15 Aug 2006 - 17:15
Post #126349

pat's right : deleted.. When I think about it, there always was a little sh*t at school..


QUOTE (patdavies @ Wed, 16 Aug 2006 - 08:15) *
I have seen this before, but does it not occur to anybody that it is those who grew and survived under this regime who are making the regulations. cool.gif

Posted by: patdavies Wed, 16 Aug 2006 - 07:15
Post #126466

I have seen this before, but does it not occur to anybody that it is those who grew and survived under this regime who are making the regulations. cool.gif

Posted by: Rallyman72 Wed, 16 Aug 2006 - 13:19
Post #126545

We have heard of plenty of problems with road signs but it appears the Welsh have a rather odd one of their own making:

QUOTE
LONDON (Reuters) - Council officials in Wales were left red-faced after discovering cyclists were being confused by a road sign telling them they had a bladder problem.

Officials had translated the command "cyclists dismount" from English into Welsh for the sign between Penarth and the capital Cardiff.

However, the result had been the baffling phrase: "Llid y bledren dymchwelyd" which roughly translates as "bladder inflammation overturn."

"The root of the problem was seeking an online translation and that's where it went wrong," a council spokesman said on Wednesday. "Unfortunately on this occasion we ended up with the problem."

All signs in Wales must be written in both the local language as well as English. "The order in which the words have been placed means the sentence makes no sense whatsoever," Welsh-language expert Owain Sgiv told the South Wales Echo newspaper.

"It certainly does not mean anything like cyclists dismount." The council spokesman said the sign was being replaced.

Posted by: crystal Wed, 16 Aug 2006 - 16:30
Post #126611

Hi

Pointed out by Clear Skies a classic on the http://www.safe2travel.co.uk/speeding/testimonials.html of http://www.safe2travel.co.uk/index.asp
Attached a Jpeg of the comment and zip of the files for when its removed

Regards
Crystal

[attachment=1404:attachment]


[attachment=1403:attachment]

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 16 Aug 2006 - 16:36
Post #126613

Thanks for the above Crystal. Mr Balabans comment


Airport security. New measure in London , with personal apologies to Crystal and other pepipoo ladies . icon_hang.gif


http://home.chello.no/siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

Bill

Posted by: DIPPER Thu, 17 Aug 2006 - 09:48
Post #126751

Walmart Diagnostic

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike

behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike

replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give

it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs two dollars A lot a lot cheaperr than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits two dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits two dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart !!

Posted by: thamesvalley Tue, 22 Aug 2006 - 09:00
Post #127750

Jimmy Ferrari's Avatar !?



laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: andy_foster Thu, 31 Aug 2006 - 17:19
Post #129543

QUOTE (Ziltro)

Posted by: DIPPER Mon, 25 Sep 2006 - 11:24
Post #134891

Powerfil lawyer out duck shooting bags duck only to see it land over a fence on someone elses land so he starts to climb over to recover it.
Small farmer on the other side seems him and says "get off my land"
lawyer "I want my bird"
farmer - "no chance it's on my land so it's mine"
lawyer "I'll sue you through every court in the land"
farmer " well we resolve disputes round here a bit differently and it costs less.
If I dispute you claim then I get to hit you three times.Then, if you are still on your feet you hit me three times. Whoever wins get the verdict"
lawyer " Ok take your 3 hits"
the farmer head buts him ,punches him in the gut and then kicks him in the nuts but the lawyer is still standing
lawyer " now it's my turn to hit you 3 times"
farmer " Oh Ok I give in take the duck"

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 27 Sep 2006 - 12:16
Post #135450

This is amazing!

I tried this and found pictures dating to 1926.

They actually have photographs of almost every School in the
World.
Unless you went to School when cameras weren't invented, you will
find a photo of yourself or at least your classmates. Click on or paste
the link below:
Enter the name of your school, and Year that you were
there.

Enjoy! http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

Posted by: mick turate Wed, 27 Sep 2006 - 12:57
Post #135466

whats the difference between Hammond and a VW Camper?


only a VW camper dies in TOP GEAR..... dry.gif

Posted by: Heyloft Wed, 27 Sep 2006 - 13:07
Post #135473

ODE TO STEVE

There was a blonde Australian
The Hunter was his name
and all those slimy reptiles, they bought him wealth and fame
He was quite good looking, the girls thought him a dish
He knew everything about crocodiles
but f**k all about fish

Posted by: anton Thu, 9 Nov 2006 - 19:29
Post #146711

http://www.slemmedreng.dk/player/f14600/p14684.php The Danish way : i'am conviced it will cause a few rear'enders confused2.gif

Posted by: cop a load of this Thu, 9 Nov 2006 - 20:20
Post #146724

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"






The blonde turned around again. yes......no......yes......no......yes......no......yes

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Thu, 9 Nov 2006 - 20:53
Post #146732

How about this for a speed camera mascot

http://www.willflashforcash.com/

Posted by: Mars Fri, 10 Nov 2006 - 08:41
Post #146815

off topic

but don't try this at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wear/6132140.stm

Posted by: Clear Skies Sat, 11 Nov 2006 - 08:49
Post #147070

http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=RB-wUgnyGv0&eurl=&iurl=http%3A//sjl-static12.sjl.youtube.com/vi/RB-wUgnyGv0/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskKAjgR_ApPh1HIDOUeYfnRL

Posted by: chadders Mon, 13 Nov 2006 - 09:25
Post #147466

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true icon_eek.gif

Posted by: Insider Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 09:39
Post #149324

This has got to be the funniest sh*t that I've EVER seen, what a complete fubar by the OP.... laugh.gif

It's all over the net at the moment, my mates just emailed it to me and I spent 5 minutes reading the thread as it's all absolutely hilarious.

The Fun starts on page 2 of the thread, but make sure you read page 1 first laugh.gif

http://www.serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7285

First Post 7th Nov
Current Views 656040 blink.gif
Current posts 1334
Current Pages 90

Posted by: Heyloft Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 09:54
Post #149326

Funny, but somebody help. What is "pwnt"

as in "the hugest pwnt of all time"

Posted by: andy_foster Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 11:34
Post #149357

"pwnt" is teh lesser used version of "pwned" - which is "leetspeak" for "owned" - meaning thoroughly beaten, destroyed, humiliated, etc.

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 11:50
Post #149361

I wonder if this guy does spray painting



Posted by: TINBASHER Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 21:03
Post #149516

http://www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/#

OH NO, I GOT 6 WRONG!!!!

Regards embarrassed

ok smarty, come on, tell us how many you got wrong..

Posted by: Heyloft Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 21:08
Post #149520

3 wrong but only said 1 was a lady when it was a man.

I like my chances on a night out better than yours Tinbasher laugh.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 22:34
Post #149550

QUOTE (Insider @ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 09:39) *
This has got to be the funniest sh*t that I've EVER seen, what a complete fubar by the OP.... laugh.gif

It's all over the net at the moment, my mates just emailed it to me and I spent 5 minutes reading the thread as it's all absolutely hilarious.

The Fun starts on page 2 of the thread, but make sure you read page 1 first laugh.gif

http://www.serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7285

First Post 7th Nov
Current Views 656040 blink.gif
Current posts 1334
Current Pages 90


For those of you who have got as far as page 34 this cracked me up..

QUOTE
he made saturn his wallpaper, lord only knows what he would have done if it was a picture of uranus...

Posted by: Insider Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 22:44
Post #149558

One of the funniest bits was where one of the regulars posted an image of a "shemale" as part of the general pi$$taking and then on page 89/90 the "shemale" who he'd posted the image of came on the board and "outed him" having found "it's" bandwidth being depleted by the 500,000 views laugh.gif

Posted by: andy_foster Sun, 10 Dec 2006 - 04:15
Post #153907

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbHF3XwSJJk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFFeE7FbZms&NR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7rvBh9BEt8&NR

http://ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1a984nAPmU4&NR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqMzzIqA3bU&mode=related&search=

Posted by: Quattro Thu, 21 Dec 2006 - 12:20
Post #156266

Has anyone ever wondered what would happen if one of those bollards which come up out of the road, did so at the wrong time?

http://jtsang.blogspot.com/2006/12/auto-vs-motorized-bollard-curiousity.html

Posted by: andy_foster Tue, 9 Jan 2007 - 23:11
Post #159351

Rabbits

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic
exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and
crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves
with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring
with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar
bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the
charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim;
well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken
by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you
five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and
turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are
awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in
bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,
alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 12 Jan 2007 - 11:51
Post #159947

Apologies if this has been posted before...........

Posted by: Clear Skies Fri, 12 Jan 2007 - 12:16
Post #159962

Every now and then, I just like to bring this post to the fore - it breaks me u p..


rgds

B ill

QUOTE (NoWayK @ Fri, 8 Jul 2005 - 18:58) *
I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law.  As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand.  rolleyes.gif

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)
R v H & C (2004)[/url]]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly".
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/2003/68.html)
Randall v The Queen (2003)[/url]]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."


Posted by: nip me baby one more time Fri, 12 Jan 2007 - 12:40
Post #159974

 Lucky4.wmv ( 432.87K ) : 328


Hope that works but if not here's a joke instead

A man walked into the greengrocery section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half
a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence,he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Posted by: Quattro Wed, 17 Jan 2007 - 13:51
Post #161182

QUOTE (andy_foster @ Tue, 9 Jan 2007 - 23:11) *
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,
alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"


And I was f***ing speeding too!

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 17 Jan 2007 - 21:49
Post #161309

URGENT PRODUCT RECALL.

Trading Standard Officers have ordered the urgent recall of a defective product found to be faulty and dangerous.

Over the Christmas and New Year period, tests proved the components in the product called “Chelsea FC” would fall apart when placed under the smallest amount of pressure.

Consumers first experienced problems last year, when it was noted the product failed to work properly in Europe. Complaints were made about it malfunctioning and then emitting a continuous whining noise – usually in Portuguese.

At the time the complaints were ignored. But when the product started falling apart in Britain over Christmas, the Trading Standards Authority took action.

A spokesman warned: “We particularly want to stress to parents that, with Chelsea FC, there is a genuine risk of choking that may end in tears come May."

Despite assurances from the company behind the product that action was taken to correct the faulty parts, including abandoning the use of the highly unpredictable and sub-standard component "Robert Huth" malfunctions have continued. Consumers have been urged to check the small print carefully for the words "this product may contain traces of Shevchenko". If that is the case buyers of the product are urged to put it back in its box and return immediately. "Shevchenko" has been known to cause a severe allergic reaction in many consumers, causing them to shout involuntarily “You useless Ukrainian t**t and “For f*** sake bring back Carlton Cole."

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 10:06
Post #161402

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 21:03) *
http://www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/#

OH NO, I GOT 6 WRONG!!!!

Regards embarrassed

ok smarty, come on, tell us how many you got wrong..



only 7 out of 16, we had better not go to BKK together tin basher we may just get a little bit more than we bargain for..


rgdsBIll

Posted by: Ocelot Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 14:19
Post #161466

Only got 1 wrong (bottom left, thought was a woman).

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 15:44
Post #161505

http://nahrupokki.pp.fi/hubakuvat/14.jpg

Posted by: TINBASHER Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 19:13
Post #161551

QUOTE (Clear Skies @ Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 10:06) *
QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 - 21:03) *
http://www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/#

OH NO, I GOT 6 WRONG!!!!

Regards embarrassed

ok smarty, come on, tell us how many you got wrong..



only 7 out of 16, we had better not go to BKK together tin basher we may just get a little bit more than we bargain for..


rgdsBIll


laughing4.gif

I thought Jade Goody was a bloke so I must being doing something right.....

Regards
TB Transbasher

Posted by: Mika Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 09:42
Post #161673

The attached file needs to be renamed as an .amr file – the forum software wont allow the uploading of amr files.

It will play on Nokia mobiles and a pc running Nokia Multimedia Player.

Rename the file: carpy.amr

Enjoy. smile.gif

 carpy.doc ( 38.97K ) : 288
 

Posted by: Fredd Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:17
Post #161739

QUOTE (Mika @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 09:42) *
The attached file needs to be renamed as an .amr file �" the forum software wont allow the uploading of amr files.

It will play on Nokia mobiles and a pc running Nokia Multimedia Player.

RealPlayer will also automatically download a plug-in and play this clip.

However I think I must also be missing a Gibberish to English convertor... blink.gif

Posted by: Mika Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:24
Post #161741

QUOTE (Fredd @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:17) *
However I think I must also be missing a Gibberish to English convertor... blink.gif

Try http://www.teletrafficuk.com/about.htm.

Posted by: Clear Skies Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:25
Post #161742

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Thu, 18 Jan 2007 - 19:13) *
I thought Jade Goody was a bloke so I must being doing something right.....

Regards
TB Transbasher



who is Jade goody.. ??????????? O I know, the foul mouth slut that is a no body ..


Biill

Posted by: Fredd Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:31
Post #161745

QUOTE (Mika @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:24) *
Try http://www.teletrafficuk.com/about.htm.

No, still no good I'm afraid - I tried to read that page but all I could see was complete and utter Gibberish.

Posted by: Quattro Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 14:05
Post #161754

QUOTE (Fredd @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:31) *
QUOTE (Mika @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:24) *
Try http://www.teletrafficuk.com/about.htm.

No, still no good I'm afraid - I tried to read that page but all I could see was complete and utter Gibberish.


I have run it through my Bullshit remover and got this if it's of any help

QUOTE
THE BIRTH OF A REVOLUTION...

Smelly-Traffic UK Ltd, the pioneers of LASER revenue generation, together with the Clown Persecution Service serve over 97% of the UK Scameraships and the whole of Ireland. In addition Smelly-Traffic UK Ltd provides revenue solutions to many Government and corporate organisations.

For you this means superior LASER revenue genaration systems that are quicker, lighter, inaccurate and non vehicle selective. Backed up by a team who are quite happy to tell lies, this is a revolution you should not miss.

Posted by: davecsm Wed, 24 Jan 2007 - 20:49
Post #163173

New generation of speedcams?

 

Posted by: Clear Skies Thu, 25 Jan 2007 - 09:45
Post #163235

QUOTE (Fredd @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:31) *
QUOTE (Mika @ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 - 13:24) *
Try http://www.teletrafficuk.com/about.htm.

No, still no good I'm afraid - I tried to read that page but all I could see was complete and utter Gibberish.



mmmm

so they have iso... that to my mind means naff all , they dont have a ukas , so how can they calibrate ? I have a team of very smart people working on quality , they cannot calibrate equipment.

this meeds moving to another thread, it's not that funny.. where are those mods..

rgds Bill

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 31 Jan 2007 - 09:48
Post #164649

Subject: Government Truisms...





Government Truisms

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... but then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

................................................................................
.................................

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill ................................................................................
........................................





A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw ................................................................................
..........................................


A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G Gordon Liddy ........................................................... ................................................................

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) ................................................................................
.........................................


& nbsp; Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ. ....... ................................................................................
.................................





Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian ................................................................................
..........................................







Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) ................................................................................
........................................



Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) ................................................................................
........................................



I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers ................................................................................
.......................................

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke ................................................................................
....................................



In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (17 64) ................................................................................
...................................





Just because you do not take an interest in politics dosn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.) ................................................................................
...................................




No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)

................................................................................
............





Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown ................................................................................
..................................... The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

................................................................................
................



The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

................................................................................
.........................................



< BR> The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English philosopher (1820-1903)

................................................................................
......................................... .





There is no distinctly native American criminal class..save Congress. - Mark Twain ................................................................................
...........................................

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

................................................................................
...........................................



A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson ................................................................................
....................

"Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. ... if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else?" ~ Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address, January 20, 1981.

Posted by: Chas820 Sat, 3 Feb 2007 - 19:09
Post #165528

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the
car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
police car to catchup with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of
theBMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago,my
wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Posted by: joinaman Tue, 6 Feb 2007 - 20:13
Post #166227

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.



"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by: Mika Wed, 14 Feb 2007 - 12:00
Post #168136

QUOTE
The 3,150 m long Lefortovo tunnel, in Russia, is the longest in-city road tunnel in all of Europe. There is a river running over it and water leaks at some points. When the temperature reaches –38(BRRRRR!!!!) degrees like it did this winter, the road freezes and the result is the attached video taken during a single day with the tunnel camera. Congratulations to the dual bus driver .... Well Held that man !!!


 RUSSIATUNNEL.WMV ( 1.86MB ) : 348
 

Posted by: Clear Skies Mon, 5 Mar 2007 - 15:45
Post #172776

Education instead of fat fines, points and gold plated pensions.. thats the way to go..


Posted by: Clear Skies Mon, 19 Mar 2007 - 12:27
Post #176129

This is really scary!!!

Enter your partner's mobile number (excluding the '0') (select UK), press start and watch the satellite technology locate there where abouts by 'pinging' the mobile.

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 23 Mar 2007 - 19:46
Post #177139



Subject: Tinbasher's story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman...

My name is Tinbasher. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
[/size]

Signed, TB

[size="2"]** EDITOR'S NOTE **:


Tinbasher died suddenly on March 20th.The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it

edit...it was a fast track trial... wacko.gif

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Fri, 23 Mar 2007 - 20:09
Post #177140

Pah!!

Thats what you get for being a "New Man". Serves you right.

Posted by: Maths For Fun And Insight Fri, 23 Mar 2007 - 20:28
Post #177141

http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo to get to a wonderful page of profound philosophy - lovingly and carefully put together in the "postmodern" style of writing.

Once you have read it, thought it through, and have deeply partaken of the new insight it has given you, just press F5, and a new page will be generated for you.

Repeat until bedtime...

[Edit: apologies to moderators - this was supposed to go in the humour thread - please move it - thanks]

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 24 Mar 2007 - 01:04
Post #177163

QUOTE (nip me baby one more time @ Fri, 23 Mar 2007 - 20:09) *
Pah!!

Thats what you get for being a "New Man". Serves you right.


tee hee hee ninja.gif

Posted by: audiquattro Thu, 29 Mar 2007 - 21:54
Post #178202

http://www.dailymotion.com/popular-week/video/x12565_beatbox

Posted by: Quattro Fri, 30 Mar 2007 - 07:42
Post #178241

QUOTE (audiquattro @ Thu, 29 Mar 2007 - 22:54) *
http://www.dailymotion.com/popular-week/video/x12565_beatbox


1/. What the f*** has he been drinking?

2/. Can I have some? laugh.gif

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 18 Apr 2007 - 08:15
Post #181263

Grand Prix halted; police pull over Lewis Hamilton for ‘having a flash car’
It has emerged that Britain’s new motor racing hero Lewis Hamilton only failed to win last weekend’s race following an intervention from a police control car that pulled over the young black driver as he was speeding towards the winning post at 120 miles an hour.
Lewis Hamilton was leading the pack when he became aware of a flashing blue light behind him. Imagining there must have been some sort of accident or fire, he pulled into the pits, where he saw two police officers slowly emerge from their panda car and put on their caps as the other cars sped past.
The British police officers apparently greeted the Formula One star by saying ‘This is a bit of a flash car isn’t it, Sonny?’ adding ‘How do you afford this then? Selling a bit of ganja on the side are we?’



When Hamilton admitted that the car was not his own but belonged to the McLaren Formula One team, the police demanded his insurance details and driving license which Hamilton was forced to admit he did not have on him at the time. He was then forced to wait several minutes while the police radio-ed back to check that no McLaren Mercedes V8 Formula One cars had been stolen in the area, after which they grudgingly let him go on his way. Although he still managed to finish as runner-up, this is the third time that Hamilton has experienced hassle from the police patrol cars, including one occasion when they suggested that he wouldn’t get much work as a mini-cab driver in a one-seater car.


Now Team McLaren have announced that for the next British Grand Prix in July, Britain’s first black Formula One hopeful will drive a 1992 Nissan Sunny with a bent coat hanger for a radio aerial and a sticker in the back saying ‘Radio Jackie’. ‘The alternative is to build a much bigger car and put a rich-looking businessman in the back. That way the police will just presume he must be some sort of chauffer.’
The policeman concerned were not available for comment, as they were pre-occupied with an intruder they had apprehended at Wentworth Golf club. Apparently he claimed to call himself ‘Tiger.’

Posted by: soft_lad Wed, 18 Apr 2007 - 22:46
Post #181440









































<insert sarcastic comment here>

Posted by: Iccle Tue, 24 Apr 2007 - 18:40
Post #182548

Pah, I hate that series of pictures.

Pictures 1-8 are in fact very true, and this incident did happen.

However, Pictures 9 & 10 are just cheap Photoshops, which make the whole thing seem totally unreal, and spoil the fun for everybody!!

Or maybe I'm just grumpy??

Posted by: soft_lad Wed, 25 Apr 2007 - 01:06
Post #182603

Indeed, you're right... the 'second' tow truck is just the 'first' one colured in! blush.gif And as for that reflection... Pah!

Posted by: Chas820 Wed, 25 Apr 2007 - 07:27
Post #182623

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish chap replied, "I know the guy."

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 9 May 2007 - 10:03
Post #184980



http://www.trevorhall.com/index.html sleeps up to 14 adults and up to four young children with six double rooms and one twin. Three rooms have ensuite bath and/or shower rooms while the remaining four share 2 bathrooms. Additional 2 separate toilets.

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 9 May 2007 - 10:32
Post #184985

QUOTE (SMURF POWER @ Wed, 9 May 2007 - 09:52) *
While looking for the answer I came across this > http://www.trafficlightwars.co.uk/

Episodes 23 gets my vote!

Posted by: Clear Skies Wed, 9 May 2007 - 16:20
Post #185102

now this is fun..

http://www.galaxyarcade.co.uk/games/talivan_launch.php

rgds
Bill

Posted by: SamRox Sun, 13 May 2007 - 22:34
Post #185845











laughing5.gif

Posted by: roythebus Sat, 19 May 2007 - 08:17
Post #187078

This article was taken from another forum I subscribe to:

I got speed gunned on Monday at Portchester, and four fingers came up from the policeman. I think that ment 4MPH as on a steamroller at the time, of it was something rude but with twice the meaning. The funny part was they spent so long zapping us to get a speed about 20 cars wizzed past in the fast lane undetected!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw a speed trap at St.Mary's Bay yesterday evening (17th May). I turned round, went back and spoke to the officer at length about a certain individual I know who runs a number of cars without road tax, and presumably without MOT or insurance. This took about 20 minutes, during which time at least 30 speeding cars didn't get zapped!

Posted by: chadders Thu, 24 May 2007 - 09:50
Post #188049

Ever wonder how your mouse connects to the cursor and moves it around your screen?

Believe it or not, I found a website that explains this technical process clearly thanks to a giant digital magnifying glass.

Visit the site and move your mouse around...
http://www.1-click.jp/

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 26 May 2007 - 17:18
Post #188621

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....Taken from the Guardian, this is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.



[color=navy]


Dear Mr. Green,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".

This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".

More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 26 May 2007 - 17:24
Post #188625

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils
and housing associations throughout the U.K.



1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting
married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move
into the house.

6. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is
about to become and expectant mother...50% of the walls are damp, 50%
have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to rink.

9. Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age
pensioner and need it badly.

10.I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

11. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
every night.

13. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.

14. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.

15.My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

16. And he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it anymore.

17. ... That is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

Posted by: andie99uk Mon, 28 May 2007 - 16:08
Post #188942

From a mate who has worked on Cruise ships around the world...

Passenger:
Do these stairs go up or down?
Will this lift get me to the front of the ship?
What time is the midnight buffet?
Do the crew sleep on board?
does the ship generate its own power?

Most of the reply's are unprintable. But this is the best:

Punter in the casino playing alone on the blackjack table, new croupier arrives to take over. in the conversation that ensues between the old staff & new the punter is refered to as being "just this tosser here on his own.
When questioned about the term, the english pit crew explained that the term "tosser was english slang for "high roller" or "big spender" and that the yank in question was the biggest tosser seen in the casino all cruise, at which point he shouted to his wife at the bar "Hey, honey, This guy says I'm the biggest tosser they have had in here all week"
Needless to say the all english pit crew fell about laughing.

Posted by: joinaman Thu, 31 May 2007 - 15:58
Post #189483

Thought for the day



Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Fri, 8 Jun 2007 - 11:46
Post #190987

I think if you click on the pic you get a bigger version


Posted by: nip me baby one more time Fri, 8 Jun 2007 - 12:10
Post #190997

QUOTE (Clear Skies @ Wed, 9 May 2007 - 16:20) *
now this is fun..

http://www.galaxyarcade.co.uk/games/talivan_launch.php

rgds
Bill


Whilst playing this I went to look at their other games, Speed Camera Killer is the top one! Presumably these are real life Police training exercises?

http://www.galaxyarcade.co.uk/games/ckiller2.php

Title
Plays

Speed Camera Killer 2
205101
Caravan Toss
97090
Talivan Launch
26343
Avoid Responsibility
17474
Fleshlight
13826
Fuel Tax Revolt
13570
Basketball keepie-up
12222
Stop Bird Flu!
11185
Road Rage
7979
Asteroids
7733
Fruit Slot Machine
6655
Weapons Inspector
5581
Fast Food Memory
5266
Tetris Revolution
3303
PingPong
910

Posted by: Zapata Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 08:46
Post #191905

saw a Bumper Sticker this morning: "Squirrels are Nature's little speed bumps" - who makes these ?

Rgds
Zapata

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 09:15
Post #191910

QUOTE (Zapata @ Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 08:46) *
saw a Bumper Sticker this morning: "Squirrels are Nature's little speed bumps" - who makes these ?

Rgds
Zapata

Dont give them ideas Zapata.

I can see the scammers releasing rabbits, squirrels, badgers and hedgehogs at strategic "black spots" realising that the animal loving brits will slow down for these creatures. This will then be followed by laws making these animals protected species followed by a fine and licence points for killing them.

Posted by: Quattro Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 10:01
Post #191921

QUOTE (Zapata @ Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 09:46) *
saw a Bumper Sticker this morning: "Squirrels are Nature's little speed bumps" - who makes these ?

Rgds
Zapata


I saw one which read, "Preserve Wildlife - pickle a Squirrel."

Posted by: Heyloft Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 10:17
Post #191928

QUOTE (Zapata @ Wed, 13 Jun 2007 - 09:46) *
saw a Bumper Sticker this morning: "Squirrels are Nature's little speed bumps" - who makes these ?

Rgds
Zapata


Oh right. I thought that's what cyclists were for, been using them for years.

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Tue, 26 Jun 2007 - 20:47
Post #194830

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day Gladys and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him
and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He
ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires.

So Gladys called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Posted by: MrsMiggins Tue, 26 Jun 2007 - 21:16
Post #194834


Posted by: wolfie Tue, 26 Jun 2007 - 22:19
Post #194845

A traffic cop is parked at night with a good view of a packed bar, just waiting or the right "pull".

After a while, he sees this guy stagger out of the bar, fall over, drag himself to his feet and wobble to his car parked in the bar carpark.

He sees this guy take three or four attempts to get into his car, falling over twice whilst trying. Eventually he gets in and slumps over the wheel.

After a bit longer, he wakes up and starts the engine. He crashes the gears, stalls it, jumps forwards and backwards, making a real hash of things. Whilst all this is going on, the other peole in the bar leave and get into their own cars and drive off.

Finally, the drunk weaves his car out of the car park and onto the road. He is immediately pulled by the traffic cop who breathalyses him. Amazingly, the guy blows negative.

The cop says to him, "But I've been watching you pissed for the last 20 minutes. How come you blow negative?"

The guy replies, "I haven't had a drink all night - it's my turn to be the decoy."

Posted by: Blackbird Tue, 3 Jul 2007 - 08:20
Post #196121

Here's a van that won't be speeding, none of the newly 'planted' bollards are removable!
[attachment=3629:van.jpg]

Posted by: nip me baby one more time Thu, 19 Jul 2007 - 09:10
Post #198981

Letter of the day


Posted by: Psycho Clown Mon, 23 Jul 2007 - 22:34
Post #199774

Here's my message...... smile.gif



A bit of imagination and a few minutes in Photoshop.

Posted by: Barking Mad Fri, 3 Aug 2007 - 15:18
Post #201705

ACPO English

The Association Of Chief Police Officers have just announced an edict where 'Modified "ACPO" English' will become the official language to be used in all Safety Camera Offices and by all staff when dealing with the community

As part of the decision the ACPO conceded that Sandard English spelling does have some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that will see the introduction of "Safety Camera Partnership & Police Force English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make our sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will also be dropped in favour of the letter "k".
This should klear up any konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There should be growing internal and external publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with "f". This will make words like "Gatso fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellings kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated and kompleks changes are possible.

Lokal polise will then enkourage the removal of double letters; which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language has bekom disgrasful and that they should be takn away.

By the fourth year, peopl should be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikutis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Zen part ov ze drem vil hav kum tru! Und zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

Ve vil alzo haf der trups in zer lezer buts goosh-steppen mit der muzik

Ju haf bin varnd meinen kriminalisch schpederz!

Posted by: TINBASHER Tue, 11 Sep 2007 - 21:24
Post #209462

Subject: The Flood

Noah & The Ark



In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two
of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."



Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary
structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.


Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many
disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The
trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
accredited workers with Ark-building experience.



To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So,
forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

Posted by: emanresu Wed, 12 Sep 2007 - 07:16
Post #209503

Here's one I got from Oz.


Posted by: Quattro Wed, 12 Sep 2007 - 13:17
Post #209590

I have just heard that the Ulley resevoir is in trouble again as a Muslim has driven a lorry into the rataining wall.

Good news though, the Police have been informed that it is NOT a terrorist atack, it is merely the start of Ramadam.

Posted by: picko Fri, 14 Sep 2007 - 19:59
Post #210073

What is the difference between going down on a women and getting caught by a speed camera?

At least when going down on a woman you get to see the tw*t behind the bush! huh.gif

I hope I have not offended anyone with this?

Posted by: audiquattro Fri, 14 Sep 2007 - 20:56
Post #210084

Hahahahahahaha tongue.gif tongue.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: picko Sat, 15 Sep 2007 - 10:39
Post #210135

I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £50..... does anyone think thats too dear????

Posted by: TINBASHER Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 19:42
Post #210285

QUOTE (picko @ Sat, 15 Sep 2007 - 11:39) *
I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £50..... does anyone think thats too dear????


What do you call a deer with no eyes???

NO IDEA

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs???

STILL NO IDEA

Posted by: picko Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 21:32
Post #210303

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 20:42) *
QUOTE (picko @ Sat, 15 Sep 2007 - 11:39) *
I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £50..... does anyone think thats too dear????


What do you call a deer with no eyes???

NO IDEA

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs???

STILL NO IDEA


Santa is looking outta the window shaking his head... His wife says "what's up honey? more snow?"..... "No... looks like reindeer!"

huh.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 17 Sep 2007 - 18:47
Post #210525

QUOTE (picko @ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 22:32) *
QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 20:42) *
QUOTE (picko @ Sat, 15 Sep 2007 - 11:39) *
I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £50..... does anyone think thats too dear????


What do you call a deer with no eyes???

NO IDEA

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs???

STILL NO IDEA


Santa is looking outta the window shaking his head... His wife says "what's up honey? more snow?"..... "No... looks like reindeer!"

huh.gif


Wife replies "Well it looks like you wont be going to that stag do tonight then"

Posted by: picko Tue, 25 Sep 2007 - 18:36
Post #212237

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Mon, 17 Sep 2007 - 19:47) *
QUOTE (picko @ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 22:32) *
QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 - 20:42) *
QUOTE (picko @ Sat, 15 Sep 2007 - 11:39) *
I have been offered 8 legs of venison for £50..... does anyone think thats too dear????


What do you call a deer with no eyes???

NO IDEA

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs???

STILL NO IDEA


Santa is looking outta the window shaking his head... His wife says "what's up honey? more snow?"..... "No... looks like reindeer!"

huh.gif


Wife replies "Well it looks like you wont be going to that stag do tonight then"



OUCH wacko.gif

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 26 Sep 2007 - 21:39
Post #212497

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"No Dear, it's because you're 24."

Posted by: andy_foster Thu, 27 Sep 2007 - 03:51
Post #212523

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Posted by: picko Thu, 27 Sep 2007 - 07:51
Post #212535

laugh.gif
LOL!!!



QUOTE (andy_foster)
04:51'[/b] post='212523']


Damn thats early "4:51" or is it late???? huh.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 26 Oct 2007 - 19:21
Post #218162

Nice exhaust.... ohmy.gif

 

Posted by: Quattro Sat, 27 Oct 2007 - 09:08
Post #218218

QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Fri, 26 Oct 2007 - 20:21) *
Nice exhaust.... ohmy.gif


I was wondering why the 'support' officer was smiling so much?

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 27 Oct 2007 - 19:54
Post #218286

QUOTE (Quattro @ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 - 10:08) *
QUOTE (TINBASHER @ Fri, 26 Oct 2007 - 20:21) *
Nice exhaust.... ohmy.gif


I was wondering why the 'support' officer was smiling so much?


A case of when is Truncheon meat not Truncheon meat... When it is exhausted icon_winkle.gif

Posted by: anton Mon, 29 Oct 2007 - 17:29
Post #218553

QUOTE
I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food???

Posted by: joinaman Wed, 31 Oct 2007 - 16:56
Post #218945

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in

the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your

shit or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and

tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between

shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit,

horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit or duck

when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some

days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times

when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit

or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up

shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you

fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building

block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do

give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 12 Nov 2007 - 14:03
Post #221218

Well we beat Top Gear to this one.....

http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2684&view=findpost&p=218162

What was it Hammond called him? Steel penis?

Oh and what was that about the number of Rolls, Maybach's etc being registered as Taxis to avoid paying the congestion charge in London laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif . It does make you think how the hell they get away with it. Reliant Robin Rendezvous Taxis anyone?

Regards TB

Posted by: anton Sat, 17 Nov 2007 - 16:17
Post #222509

traffic advice for americans
not very politicly correct... but true...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctkYvww-7pw

Posted by: anton Wed, 21 Nov 2007 - 22:17
Post #223474

advice for people with wives and girlfriends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_bfSbIxwrU

Posted by: Barking Mad Fri, 23 Nov 2007 - 10:25
Post #223757

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower!


Posted by: RD400E Sat, 24 Nov 2007 - 12:42
Post #223931

My dear my penis is a mountain laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/7109058.stm

Posted by: emanresu Sat, 24 Nov 2007 - 15:17
Post #223947

Do you have small children?

Do they get excited about Xmas?

Are they always pestering you on the run up to Xmas?

Then the internet has the answer. Get them to go to this site so all their questions will be answered.

http://www.isitchristmas.com


PS Also doubles as one to refer the PPC's to.

PPS Sorry this should be in the Humour thread - not government policy forum.

Posted by: anton Sun, 2 Dec 2007 - 23:41
Post #225314

I have speent all day putting up the tree and I now need a Wii
.
.
.
.
.



Posted by: joinaman Sun, 16 Dec 2007 - 21:02
Post #228210




A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?" The two continue to stare.

"parli italiano?" No response.

"¿los di usted habla español?" Still nothing.

So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

Posted by: Clear Skies Mon, 17 Dec 2007 - 12:21
Post #228332

every year or so , I like to nudge this poisting..

rgds
bill


QUOTE (NoWayK @ Fri, 8 Jul 2005 - 18:58) *
I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law.  As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand.  rolleyes.gif

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)
R v H & C (2004)[/url]]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly".
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/2003/68.html)
Randall v The Queen (2003)[/url]]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."



Posted by: Barking Mad Fri, 21 Dec 2007 - 02:30
Post #229190

Little 5 year old Samantha sees a group of workmen next door building an extension.

Like most kids, she takes an interest in what's going on and starts talking to the workmen.

The builders, with hearts of gold, adopt her as their site mascot.

After a week, they present her with a pink hard-hat, some minature work gloves, a pair of pink size 2 wellies with steel toe-caps and even give her a wage packet containing £5!

"Goodness me!" says mummy. "Are you going to work there again next week too, darling?" she asks.

Samantha replies: "I think so mummy...."

"Provided those lazy cunts at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks we ordered!"

Posted by: Blackbird Fri, 21 Dec 2007 - 05:28
Post #229196

Not often that a 'press' article make this thread but I couldn't avoid steeling this from another forum that I inhabit!

Motorists complain that their human rights are being steamrollered by this government etc
So how about feeling a little compassion for others at Christmas

QUOTE
"She felt that the worms were being unfairly treated, being expected to deal with human faeces, and that it could affect them in a psychological way,"


You know you want to read more so have a look http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20071216/tod-nzealand-animals-offbeat-worms-ad60dae_1.html

Posted by: Barking Mad Sat, 5 Jan 2008 - 07:00
Post #231346

The old man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.

"I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, I eat junk food, and never exercise. And I do pills too at the weekend."

"That is absolutely amazing," said the woman, "so how old are you?'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Twenty-six."

Posted by: Barking Mad Sun, 6 Jan 2008 - 14:29
Post #231555

RINDECELLA

This is the story of Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.


Rindercella and her Sugly Isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard, frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was usually nucking fackered.

The Sugly Isters were right bugly astards, one was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were real forrible huckers, they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The Sugly Isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go, suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared, her name was Shairy Hithole and was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge carriage with six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the Pransome Hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. Miste all crucking fighty said Rindercella and ran out tripping barse over ollocks so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the Pransome Hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the Sugly Isters let him in, suddenly Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart " who's fussed barted? " said the Pransome Hince, " Blame that fugly hucker over there " said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted he tried the slass glipper on both the Sugly Isters without success, and there feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the Hince a nick in the kackers. This was difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfect. Rindercella and the Hince were married, the Hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny


And they all lived happy ever after.

Posted by: fedup2 Sun, 6 Jan 2008 - 16:37
Post #231564

Heres a true story which happened to me.It happened 17 years ago but i still laugh when i think about it.
I was driving down the road following a police car when i came accross 2 women i knew,and flashed and honked my horn briefly at them as i passed.
The police man on his own in an astra then put on his blues and pulled me over.
He said you know what i have pulled you over for dont you?i said no as it happenes i dont.
He said flashing your lights and honking your horn at tarts at the side of the road back there.
I said,that Tart is carrying my baby!
After picking himself up off the pavement ,made his apologies and crawled back to his car.
My guess is to this day he has told no one.
i sit here smiling thinking about it.
And yes she was!

Posted by: Barking Mad Wed, 6 Feb 2008 - 12:32
Post #237852

Sorry in advance to our more learn - ed ladies.

But I saw this and I just couldn't resist! laugh.gif


Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 20 Feb 2008 - 19:15
Post #240894

love it

http://img260.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cid00c901c8718c42d42a60ty2.jpg

Posted by: TINBASHER Fri, 7 Mar 2008 - 16:01
Post #244277



 

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 8 Mar 2008 - 18:21
Post #244449

Our Brian and Trev when they were lads...........I cried
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kBVmfIUR1DA


Tb

Posted by: anton Sun, 9 Mar 2008 - 09:17
Post #244536

I have a 50 year old colleague at work who is about 5/10 on this scale.(this kid being 11)
he has dents in his phone, keyboard the office photocopier. His mouse stopped the other week. In trying to fix it he pulled the vga socket off the monitor. His desk is littered with dead tippex mice that failed to cover the right line on the drawing he was going to ammend.




Posted by: anton Mon, 10 Mar 2008 - 10:39
Post #244718

Blackberry have launched a new smart phone with a big qwerty keyboard, e-mail, web, shopping lists, bus time tables and inductive loop conection to your hearing aid. It is aimed at the large number of wealthy pensioners





They are launching it under the brand name Elderberry

Posted by: Captain A Sat, 15 Mar 2008 - 23:34
Post #246013

QUOTE
The old man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.

"I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, I eat junk food, and never exercise. And I do pills too at the weekend."

"That is absolutely amazing," said the woman, "so how old are you?'
.
"Twenty-six
."

Sorry that I've only just picked this up - don't usually read this thread - this is a ripoff from a Furry Freaks Brothers cartoon - dating back to ... oh well the seventies...y'know.

Posted by: TINBASHER Sat, 5 Apr 2008 - 00:33
Post #250534

So, Tb got home from work the other night and said to her indoors....get me a beer from the fridge before it starts....

20mins later I again said to her indoors can I have another before it starts....

Another 20 mins passed and I said quick get me another beer before it starts, to which she replied....

Listen you lazy, Fat arse Tw*t, you walk in and start barking orders...........

To which Tinbasher immediately interrupted.......F*ck me ITS STARTED

Posted by: Clear Skies Tue, 8 Apr 2008 - 16:11
Post #251350

apologies if this has been posted before..

http://sokkapat.blogspot.com/2006/12/stupid-drivers.html

bill

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 23 Apr 2008 - 23:13
Post #255524





















 

Posted by: Ocelot Thu, 24 Apr 2008 - 12:47
Post #255638

Rafael Benitez asks John Arne Riise for a lift home, Riise replies:



“Sorry boss. I’m not heading your way!”



Posted by: anton Tue, 17 Jun 2008 - 13:00
Post #267310

headline of the week, Southampton Daily echo http://www.thisishampshire.net/news/dailyechonews/display.var.2346192.0.lesbian_jelly_wrestling_the_new_hampshire_craze.php

Love the readers comments

Posted by: fatboytim Wed, 25 Jun 2008 - 16:30
Post #269449

I don't get many too e-mails (thank the Lord), so apologies if it's ancient history!
but a mate in Hongkong sent me this, not actually that funny but a bit wierd.

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
http://Http://WWW.tatuagemdaboa.Com.Br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

(Skip your e-mail address.)

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens ... & don't ask me how they do that!



fatboytim

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 25 Jun 2008 - 16:55
Post #269463

Tim Try this:-

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

Fancy having "Basher" tattooed on ya arse! rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif ohmy.gif

Posted by: TINBASHER Wed, 25 Jun 2008 - 17:34
Post #269476

I Cried!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDpjS5n9ZeA

TB........

Then I found the truth..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXf3wx5nPXU&NR=1

Posted by: anton Thu, 28 Aug 2008 - 09:06
Post #287709

(True story: a frog climbed up the waste pipe (died) and blocked the waste pipe this made the washing machine waste water spray all over the wall and the mains socket triping the earth trip, we were washing stuff to go on holliday so I rushed out to the garage to get something to un block the pipe and saw a hedgehog run under the car, so with only a few hours before we were to fly away I was chasing hedgehogs out the garage and unblocking pipes , refitting the washing machne, washing and drying clothes... that is why I forgot to take my driving liscence on my fly drive holiday sad.gif

Posted by: emanresu Sat, 6 Sep 2008 - 09:31
Post #290082

Last space in the car park at our local Tescos....

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2007/2/British-Parking-220918.html

Posted by: TINBASHER Mon, 8 Sep 2008 - 17:28
Post #290646

This requires sound and you have to listen to all 3 clips. Just don’t have it too loud!!






http://www.littlegordon.com/


Posted by: andy_foster Tue, 9 Sep 2008 - 14:01
Post #290836

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."
I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge"
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.



Then she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to f**k off.

Posted by: Barking Mad Thu, 11 Sep 2008 - 22:42
Post #291475

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

Posted by: Cargy Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 20:23
Post #292036

I thought long and hard (no pun intended) as to whether this should go in here or in Govt Policy!

All I know is I'd like to see UK speed traps that use this concept:

http://www.speedbandits.dk/

Posted by: flopper Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 20:58
Post #292046

QUOTE (Cargy @ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 21:23) *
I thought long and hard (no pun intended) as to whether this should go in here or in Govt Policy!

All I know is I'd like to see UK speed traps that use this concept:

http://www.speedbandits.dk/


laughing4.gif laughing4.gif laughing4.gif
They should set up at every black spot. I live near 3!!!!! tongue1.gif tongue1.gif

Posted by: nomadros Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 21:14
Post #292048

QUOTE (Cargy @ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 21:23) *
I thought long and hard (no pun intended) as to whether this should go in here or in Govt Policy!

All I know is I'd like to see UK speed traps that use this concept:

http://www.speedbandits.dk/


and we get this....
http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6410000/newsid_6414500/6414587.stm?bw=bb&mp=rm

As we say in Scotland... a face that has seen a few frosty mornings.

Posted by: Barking Mad Thu, 2 Oct 2008 - 16:49
Post #296699

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a£30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant, and says "I mean, what in the world
is this?".

The bank manager looks back at her and says:






"It's a knickknack, PattieWhack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

Posted by: spanner345 Fri, 3 Oct 2008 - 10:51
Post #296899



QUOTE (nomadros @ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 22:14) *
QUOTE (Cargy @ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 - 21:23) *
I thought long and hard (no pun intended) as to whether this should go in here or in Govt Policy!

All I know is I'd like to see UK speed traps that use this concept:

http://www.speedbandits.dk/


and we get this....
http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6410000/newsid_6414500/6414587.stm?bw=bb&mp=rm

As we say in Scotland... a face that has seen a few frosty mornings.

MAYBE MY FRIEND COULD HELP.

Posted by: andy_foster Sun, 5 Oct 2008 - 06:48
Post #297419

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

Posted by: wannabemedic Wed, 13 May 2009 - 16:18
Post #363588

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The egg is smoking a cigarette and has a big smile on its face.

The chicken, looking decidedly miserable, turns to the egg and says,

"Well, I guess we answered that question."

Posted by: anton Wed, 13 May 2009 - 19:20
Post #363647

There are 10 sorts of people in the world
Those that understand binary...

And them that dont.....

Posted by: Fredd Wed, 13 May 2009 - 21:34
Post #363688

01001100 01001111 01011100 00100001

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 13 May 2009 - 23:25
Post #363721

"LO\ "?

There's an old mechanoid saying i think applies here...

Posted by: bargepole Thu, 14 May 2009 - 08:08
Post #363761

At a school in Surrey, a group of children went on a school outing to the horse racing at Lingfield Park.

As they arrived on the minibus, the two female teachers thought it would be best to take all the kids to the toilet before the meeting started, so they made their way to the toilet block. One teacher went with the girls, while the other waited outside the gents as the boys went in.

The boys came straight out again, complaining that the urinals were too high up for them to reach. So the teacher decided to go in with them, and lift up each little chap in turn, holding their tackle so they didn't splash their clothes.

As she lifted up the last one, she noticed that he was particularly well endowed for a nine year old. "Are you in year five?" she asked. "No Miss," came the reply, "I'm riding the favourite in the 2:30".

Posted by: spanner345 Thu, 14 May 2009 - 09:36
Post #363778

QUOTE (Fredd @ Wed, 13 May 2009 - 22:34) *
01001100 01001111 01011100 00100001

That's 76504097.

Posted by: anton Thu, 14 May 2009 - 12:14
Post #363822

His name is Dwane and thats his myspace identity?

Posted by: Ocelot Thu, 14 May 2009 - 12:41
Post #363833

QUOTE (andy_foster @ Thu, 14 May 2009 - 00:25) *
"LO\ "?

There's an old mechanoid saying i think applies here...


"If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine?" Or was that a space core directive?

Posted by: albert2008 Fri, 15 May 2009 - 07:12
Post #364077

Pennsylvania 1111110111101000

Posted by: spanner345 Fri, 15 May 2009 - 08:03
Post #364084

QUOTE (albert2008 @ Fri, 15 May 2009 - 08:12) *
Pennsylvania 1111110111101000

That's funny. biggrin.gif

Posted by: andy_foster Mon, 1 Jun 2009 - 13:40
Post #368680


Posted by: bama Mon, 1 Jun 2009 - 18:03
Post #368774

brilliant !

Posted by: anton Mon, 1 Jun 2009 - 20:50
Post #368837

It would make a great election campaign. I want to get a few thousands printed and asking white van man to paste them on the back doors

Posted by: jobo Tue, 2 Jun 2009 - 15:06
Post #369065

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!

Posted by: anton Fri, 5 Jun 2009 - 11:53
Post #370036

http://isgordonbrownstillprimeminister.com/

Posted by: andy_foster Fri, 5 Jun 2009 - 22:38
Post #370275

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elAK6yJtpyk

Posted by: jobo Mon, 8 Jun 2009 - 02:17
Post #370780

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says " sorry sir, it's just regular porn.
__________________

Posted by: bargepole Wed, 17 Jun 2009 - 22:40
Post #373948

The following is taken from a South African tourism website, they are questions sent in by people planning to visit SA for the World Cup in 2010. Answers posted by website owner with a sense of humour:

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes..

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don ‘t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 25 Nov 2009 - 20:54
Post #418140


Posted by: jeffreyarcher Wed, 25 Nov 2009 - 23:54
Post #418185

Regulars may be aware of the recent case of http://www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Admin/2009/2924.html.

QUOTE (Lord justice Elias)
13. The court below effectively treated what is a rebuttable presumption of proper service as being irrebuttable. They were understandably influenced by a passage from the 2009 edition of Archbold at paragraph (xx), which states:

"The notice must be posted on such a day that it would reach the defendant in the ordinary course of post within 14 days of the commission of the offence."
In my judgment, that statement is misleading. <...> it mis-states the position where the notice is sent by first class post.


Someone in their ad. agency has an up to date sense of irony.



 

Posted by: spanner345 Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 17:31
Post #424788

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USkCsrO9sz4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEUVLzB9W6I

I thought we should have a musical interlude.

Posted by: glasgow_bhoy Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 23:23
Post #424873

QUOTE (spanner345 @ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 17:31) *
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USkCsrO9sz4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEUVLzB9W6I

I thought we should have a musical interlude.



Quality!!
All 3 series only £20/25 in Tesco the now, or are all on 4oD on youtube.
I'll be requesting the techno remix nxt time im up the town.

Posted by: PRg Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 02:22
Post #424903

QUOTE (spanner345 @ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 17:31) *
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USkCsrO9sz4


Just seen your signature, definately going to be trying some toilet duck on friday, is it any good?

Posted by: Michael Gibson Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 09:26
Post #424916

QUOTE (PRg @ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 02:22) *
QUOTE (spanner345 @ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 17:31) *
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USkCsrO9sz4


Just seen your signature, definately going to be trying some toilet duck on friday, is it any good?



I tried it and it nearly took my face off...

Posted by: spanner345 Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 10:31
Post #424935

QUOTE (PRg @ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 02:22) *
QUOTE (spanner345 @ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 17:31) *
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USkCsrO9sz4


Just seen your signature, definately going to be trying some toilet duck on friday, is it any good?

Very good. If you want an improved recipe, substitute all the ingredients for Absinthe. Then sing this song.........A pint of Absinthe works wonders....

Posted by: desktop_demon Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 11:07
Post #424948

But to be fair Toilet Duck does a wonderful job of de-scaling one's teeth. It goes right round the back to do the bits one can't normally reach.... clean enough to eat your dinner off! As for the Absinthe - ach you're away with the green faeries...

Posted by: peterguk Thu, 17 Dec 2009 - 16:48
Post #425088

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's ******.


Posted by: Michael Gibson Fri, 18 Dec 2009 - 15:29
Post #425373

Boredom has set in over in Gibbo Towers...






"Good Afternoon, Fairoaks Airport"

"Good Afternoon. I'm like to enquire about landing fees for next week."

"Certainly, please can you give us some information about the flight, where it originates from, what type of aircraft, when you wish to land?"

"Absolutely. It will be landing late evening/early morning next Thursday night from northern Finland."

"On Christmas?"

"Potentially, yes"

"I'm afraid we're closed."

"Oh, OK. ****."

"What sort of aircraft is it?"

"It's, essentially, a glider."

"A glider? At night? How is it propelled?"

"Reindeer."

"Is it a sleigh, sir?"

"Yes"

"And your name?"

"Mr. S. Christmas."

"Very good sir, we are terminating this call."

"Thank you."

Posted by: emanresu Mon, 21 Dec 2009 - 09:45
Post #425942


Posted by: spanner345 Thu, 3 Feb 2011 - 10:35
Post #555811

Just booked a table for myself and Mrs Spanner for Valentines night.

It will probably end in tears though..........................



































She is not good a snooker rolleyes.gif

Posted by: buttonpusher Sat, 12 Feb 2011 - 17:49
Post #559506

Having never had an orgasm, Bob’s poor wife convinced him that they needed to go to the doctors to find out why. After a number of tests and questions one suggestion the doctor gave was that that she could be over-heating during sex.

However, poor Bob’s wife, aswell as being a bit useless in bed, was also a bit of a skinflint and refused to buy a fan, instead deciding to save money by getting his friend round to waft them with a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting she still had not had an orgasm, so Bob`s cheeky friend suggests swapping places, saying "I`ll make love to her, and you waft the towel"

Bob agrees, and within seconds his wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm she has ever had.

Bob turns to his friend slowly and say's "...... and that my son is how you waft a towel!"

Posted by: spanner345 Mon, 14 Feb 2011 - 11:24
Post #560174




Subject: Clean your monitor



Most people know that the glass of an aquarium requires cleaning on the inside as well as the outside. Various tools have been developed for this chore, including a brush which is moved about by a magnetic wand drawn about the outside of the tank. The brush follows the movement of the wand and scrubs the glass from the inside.

Few people are aware that a computer monitor screen also requires cleaning on both sides for optimum clarity. However, the tight clearances make it impossible to use a brush without extensive disassembly. Logitech, maker of mice, keyboards, webcams and other electronic accessories has developed a device that cleans the back of your monitor screen. It is dragged about by mouse movements, just like dragging and dropping a file.

It's truly amazing. Give it a try. Just drag it around with your mouse.


http://www.rickysplace.com/monitor/brush.swf

Posted by: buttonpusher Tue, 15 Feb 2011 - 12:18
Post #560565

Thanks Roy, that's me in trouble. I clicked the link just as MIL was passing behind me. Bu***r.

Posted by: Neil B Sat, 5 Mar 2011 - 15:34
Post #568129

Impress the girls with tender eyes and a gentle touch of her hand!



Painful desparation!

Posted by: Scaramouche Mon, 7 Mar 2011 - 00:48
Post #568526

Pound Coins


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pound coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the pound coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

Posted by: Clear Skies Mon, 7 Mar 2011 - 15:58
Post #568650


lest any of us forget the most important point in our law, but this ended up in the joke section, posted by no way k , because there are one or two
out there who dont understand what their real job is

The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks

No Way K posted this on the 8th July 2005,

I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law. As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand. rolleyes.gif

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?
QUOTE (http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)R%20v%20H%20&%20C%20(2004)%5b/url]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."

Posted by: enfield freddy Fri, 11 Mar 2011 - 22:56
Post #570528

... and maybe a bit too soon but ... The Japanese 2012 Olympic wind surfing squad must be keen, they've just arrived in Dover.

Posted by: roythebus Wed, 16 Mar 2011 - 23:06
Post #572487

I'm not giving any money there as I've just seen a bloke there with 2 boats parked in his drive...

Posted by: mickR Thu, 17 Mar 2011 - 00:18
Post #572516

3 men sitting naked in sauna sound of bleeping the yank says hey guys sorry but i gotta micro chip pager in my arm he proceeds to press nis arm and put it to his ear to listen to the message
A few minutes later a phone rings the Japanese bloke says oh velly solly have micro chip phone in my hand he presses finger put hand to ear and starts talking.
With this the irish bloke gets up and leaves he returns and the yank says het buddy don’t wonna embarrass you but you got paper hanging from your ass Irishman says be jesus would you look at that someone is send me a fax.

Posted by: buttonpusher Mon, 21 Mar 2011 - 22:00
Post #574317

Ode to Ryonair or others.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM&sns=fb

Posted by: bama Mon, 21 Mar 2011 - 22:58
Post #574334

Sometimes the jokes seem to just write themselves

http://www.islingtongazette.co.uk/news/holloway_teen_jailed_after_police_discover_crack_in_his_bum_1_821799


Posted by: Ocelot Tue, 22 Mar 2011 - 13:36
Post #574509

Here's a few Viz letters from the past:


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.


Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?


Am I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.


I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.


According to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.


Professional footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.


The thing that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how st must the other people at the interview have been?


Why don’t NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.


They say that slow and steady wins the race. bks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.


How is it that Snoop Dogg can have a million selling album containing 300 references to the word "n1gger" and be showered with MOBO awards, and yet I use the word just ONCE at my son's Sunday league match last Saturday and am immediately ordered to leave the park. This smacks of discrimination of the worst kind.


In a recently Christmas TV advert, fat tongued mockey Jamie Oliver advised us to sprinkle cinnamon on our mince pies. I think his adverts should come with some kind of health warning, as I followed his advice and am now blind.


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.


My so-called "permanent" marker has just run out. What a rip-off.


'Whilst learning to drive recently, my aged and wise father informed me "Remember son, the most dangerous part on a car is the nut behind the wheel". Heeding his advice, I removed the said component and placed it safely on a shelf in my garage. You can imagine my surprise when, whilst negotiating a busy roundabout, the steering wheel came away in my hand and my car ploughed into a bus queue. Still, we all soon saw the funny side.'


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.



I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.



A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.



I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.



So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.



Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.



THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.



I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.



'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.



'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,

'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.



MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.



I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that

my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?



Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?



I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.



Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.



Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?



It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.



On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.



Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.



Supermarkets. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.



Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamza?



The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?



I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.



I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.



I HAVE recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?



It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?



Mix luminous paint with your dog food to help prevent unfortunate pedestrians treading on dog turds during the dark winter evenings.



They say you can't trust anybody these days.

Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.



Imagine my surprise last night when I was woken from my slumber by Cindy Crawford, who proceeded to lay on top of me, wearing only skimpy panties, and press her breasts into my face.

I was in heaven, and simply could not believe my luck, until a few seconds later, when I realised that it was only a poster of cindy crawford.

The blu tac had come loose and it had fallen off my bedroom wall and landed on me.

My only consolation is that I can now tell friends about the night cindy crawford fell for me!



I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.



People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed.




Posted by: emanresu Fri, 26 Aug 2011 - 07:44
Post #619838

A teacher at 6th Form College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Posted by: spanner345 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 - 07:57
Post #619840

This really is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0n88tZQc4Q

Posted by: andy_foster Tue, 4 Oct 2011 - 19:30
Post #630784

http://xkcd.com/562/


Posted by: bargepole Sat, 17 Dec 2011 - 13:10
Post #653194

The present Mrs Bargepole works in an office with about 100 staff, and this year they had a Secret Santa system where everyone draws a name at random, and buys that person a present for about £10. She drew a chap called Mike, so decided to get him a lime green Borat-style mankini.

This is the email that Mike sent to the whole department the next day:

QUOTE
I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you tothe unknown person that purchased my present from Santa.

Last night I turned my heating up and put on my BoratMankini and laid on my sofa with my wife under my arm

This experience has rejuvenated my marriage so many thanksto the unknown person.

However this morning I am chaffing somewhat, but a smallprice to pay for the pleasure, it is dress down day today and I have refused totake it off, even though the team have objected to my new look

Many Thanks

Mike

Posted by: roythebus Thu, 22 Dec 2011 - 13:52
Post #654332

I read on a "dodgy" site yesterday that they've invented a new coital position, it's called "The Parcelforce" position. You can stay in all day and on-one comes.

Posted by: buttonpusher Sat, 24 Dec 2011 - 08:53
Post #654680

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Asda customers. This one caught me by surprise.
In the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough ti think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:*
Two seriously good-looking European 20-21 yr old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and soapy water, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Its impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they get in to the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,while the other one steals your wallet.*
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, and again on the 17th and finally the 20th.
So tell your friends to be careful.*

P.S. Poundland are selling wallets in 4 different colours for a pound each.

(Don't know if this is already on here, too many to read, I'll delete if advised)

Posted by: Cargy Sat, 24 Dec 2011 - 09:06
Post #654684

I was in the doctor's yesterday and she said to me, "I don't know how to tell you this, Mr Cargy, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that you'll have to stop masturbating".

You can imagine my shock, so I said, "Oh my God, Is it serious?"

And the doc replied, "No, it's just that I need to examine you!"


Posted by: Broadsword Wed, 1 Feb 2012 - 10:22
Post #666523

This is just so funny, you go out and buy a new SIM PAYG and then start texting one of your mates.

Your texts are the green boxes (and the annotations on the left are the responses in this particular case).


[attachment=13562:Cat_facts.jpg]

Posted by: Gan Wed, 1 Feb 2012 - 10:45
Post #666525

QUOTE (Broadsword @ Wed, 1 Feb 2012 - 10:22) *
This is just so funny, you go out and buy a new SIM PAYG and then start texting one of your mates.

Your texts are the green boxes (and the annotations on the left are the responses in this particular case).


[attachment=13562:Cat_facts.jpg]


Love it

Would it be an offence to send them to the mobile numbers at the bottom of all the clamping notices ?

Back in the days before mobiles my assistant used to keep sending the message "Low battery" to our manager's pager

Posted by: Gan Wed, 29 Feb 2012 - 12:02
Post #675477

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2108063/Funnyexam-com-Hilarious-exam-answers-given-students.html

We aspired on our course to match this reputed answer from a previous year :

How do you find (a property) of this material if presented with :

A) A fine powder ?
B) A single crystal ?

One student had answered as :

A) Described a tedious technique involving oils and an out-of-focus microscope
B) Hit crystal with hammer. Proceed as (A)

Posted by: Gan Tue, 1 May 2012 - 17:05
Post #695771

I see some pretty strange safety instructions to handle chemicals but the latest tell the user to wear a hard hat and boots

It's the active ingredient of an anti-dandruff shampoo

Posted by: bama Tue, 1 May 2012 - 22:30
Post #695877

Head and Toetectors ? ?

Posted by: bama Mon, 24 Sep 2012 - 22:08
Post #737692

Must be something to do withe Oz accent I heard in my head when I read this that me laugh so much
http://www.rollonfriday.com/Portals/0/ArticleFiles/Transcript_-_Queen_v_DAB11%20(2).pdf


Posted by: Cargy Tue, 25 Sep 2012 - 12:24
Post #737840

QUOTE (bama @ Mon, 24 Sep 2012 - 23:08) *
Must be something to do withe Oz accent I heard in my head when I read this that me laugh so much
http://www.rollonfriday.com/Portals/0/ArticleFiles/Transcript_-_Queen_v_DAB11%20(2).pdf


Thanks so much for posting that, Bama, I haven't laughed so heartily in ages!

Posted by: bama Tue, 25 Sep 2012 - 14:38
Post #737888

I was crying with it. It has to be the imagined Strine accent that does it.
Stephen Fry is right about swearing.

Posted by: axeman Tue, 25 Sep 2012 - 16:09
Post #737933

brilliant, when is round 2?

Posted by: Gan Wed, 26 Sep 2012 - 07:44
Post #738117

Don't expect a reference

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2208451/Angry-employees-resignation-speech-outs-manager-having-sex-office-female-colleague-goes-viral-emails-entire-workforce.html

A couple of names in this visit report went on to be very well known in their industry



Posted by: Broadsword Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 06:37
Post #738449

Go to amazon.co.uk

Search for "veet for men"

Click on the first product in list then scroll right down to the bottom of the page and read the customer reviews! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 08:49
Post #738479

QUOTE (Broadsword @ Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 07:37) *
Go to amazon.co.uk

Search for "veet for men"

Click on the first product in list then scroll right down to the bottom of the page and read the customer reviews! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif


I have just got up from the floor. And can I say Broadsword that is the funniest thing I have read this week.

How are you coping now. All better?

Posted by: Gan Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 09:26
Post #738491

You sometimes wonder what somebody was looking for when they find some of these pages

I have a lot of sympathy for the victims

In my first job after leaving uni, the first lesson you learnt was to wash your hands thoroughly before handling any sensitive skin

That's how I discovered a severe allergy to an epoxy resin hardener.

Ended up having to visit the local industrial health clinic with red and severely swollen courting tackle.
I presented it coated with every cream I'd found in the bathroom cupboard and covered in deep nail gouges where I'd been trying to relieve the itch, regardless of collateral damage

There's probably a medical record somewhere :

Single male aged 21, abrasion to genitals. Advised to wear gloves in bed


Posted by: ItchyCrakus Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 09:38
Post #738498

QUOTE (Gan @ Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 10:26) *
You sometimes wonder what somebody was looking for when they find some of these pages

I have a lot of sympathy for the victims

In my first job after leaving uni, the first lesson you learnt was to wash your hands thoroughly before handling any sensitive skin

That's how I discovered a severe allergy to an epoxy resin hardener.

Ended up having to visit the local industrial health clinic with red and severely swollen courting tackle.
I presented it coated with every cream I'd found in the bathroom cupboard and covered in deep nail gouges where I'd been trying to relieve the itch, regardless of collateral damage

There's probably a medical record somewhere :

Single male aged 21, abrasion to genitals. Advised to wear gloves in bed


They have Viagra to harden those bits now. Other forms of Sildenifil are currently available. biggrin.gif

Posted by: desktop_demon Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 10:35
Post #738511

wow! So I can use Sildenifil powder when I run out of epoxy hardener? The things one learns on PPP!

Posted by: spanner345 Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 11:29
Post #738533

A tribute to Herbert Lom, sadly no longer with us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEcsgbwBFRs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j_2KMyUxso

Posted by: spanner345 Thu, 27 Sep 2012 - 12:38
Post #738563

WARNING KATE MIDDLETON TOPLESS.






























Posted by: DryJoint Fri, 28 Sep 2012 - 12:21
Post #738978

I bumped into an old friend the other day who I hadn't seen for years.'Hello John' I said, 'What you doing these days?'
'I prepare meals for the homeless, down & outs, piss heads & druggies' he replied.
'Oh so you work at one of these charity drop-in centres' I said,
'No no' he replied, 'I'm a chef at wetherspoons'

laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: buttonpusher Thu, 4 Oct 2012 - 07:33
Post #740738

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”

Cashier: “"Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”

Cashier: “I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.

Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray and we cashed his cheque. So Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you, as the Leader of the Opposition?”

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?”

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sat, 6 Oct 2012 - 04:06
Post #741381

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde
man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Posted by: jimster Mon, 22 Oct 2012 - 14:58
Post #746453

Blonde men jokes! huh.gif


Has someone been given the "Eastenders Bumper Book of Politically Correct Jokes" for Christmas?


Posted by: Broadsword Thu, 8 Nov 2012 - 20:06
Post #751823

Really funny 'tweet' on discussion about TV programmes - I haven't stopped chuckling yet


"I would watch 'Secret Pauper', where someone pledges huge investments to corporations before revealing they don't have a pot to piss in". laugh.gif

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sat, 10 Nov 2012 - 07:12
Post #752246

QUOTE (Broadsword @ Thu, 8 Nov 2012 - 20:06) *
Really funny 'tweet' on discussion about TV programmes - I haven't stopped chuckling yet


"I would watch 'Secret Pauper', where someone pledges huge investments to corporations before revealing they don't have a pot to piss in". laugh.gif



This has already been aired. The Labour Party did the complete reality thing years ago.

Posted by: spanner345 Sat, 10 Nov 2012 - 10:03
Post #752269

Warning.............Do not copy this performance at a football match.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXq8rELhUkw
It appears that being a goodies fan is racist.

Posted by: roythebus Wed, 21 Nov 2012 - 19:11
Post #756113

I hear Pfizer have introduced a new pill called the Viagra 007. It doesn't make you harder, but makes you Roger Moore.

Posted by: dave comer Thu, 22 Nov 2012 - 21:05
Post #756592

According to the latest survey, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.

Posted by: buttonpusher Fri, 23 Nov 2012 - 09:39
Post #756731

deleted

Posted by: bargepole Fri, 23 Nov 2012 - 16:33
Post #756873

QUOTE (roythebus @ Wed, 21 Nov 2012 - 19:11) *
I hear Pfizer have introduced a new pill called the Viagra 007. It doesn't make you harder, but makes you Roger Moore.

They've also brought out a range of Viagra eye drops. They make you look hard.

Posted by: paulajayne Fri, 23 Nov 2012 - 18:44
Post #756932

I heard that they used Viagra to catch Sadam Husain, they sprayed his hideout with it and the little Pr*ck stood up.

Posted by: roythebus Fri, 23 Nov 2012 - 23:13
Post #756998

I hear boots the chemist are putting holly in Tampax................just for the Christmas period.

Posted by: dave comer Sat, 24 Nov 2012 - 19:48
Post #757160

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? .....Its an orange.

Posted by: Gan Sat, 24 Nov 2012 - 21:12
Post #757184

QUOTE (dave comer @ Sat, 24 Nov 2012 - 19:48) *
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? .....Its an orange.

How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Nobody knows. The bulb usually outlasts them

Posted by: Ossian Sun, 25 Nov 2012 - 07:45
Post #757235

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

a) None, its a hardware problem
b) None, the next service pack redefines darkness as the default setting

Posted by: JagDriver Tue, 27 Nov 2012 - 15:06
Post #757977

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change first.

Posted by: Broadsword Tue, 27 Nov 2012 - 16:51
Post #758026

I vil sey zis only wance, Monsieur Joey Bar-ton (a thug who also plays football) being interviewed by the French press

He speaks in English but for some inexplicable reason, he does it with a a French accent!!!! - sounds like he's off the set of 'Allo 'Allo!

Absolutely priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3U-r8T31Ns

Posted by: Gan Tue, 27 Nov 2012 - 21:16
Post #758088

Did a brilliant deal at the bank today

They obviously haven't seen those information films about the end of the world next month because they offered me a five year loan

The boat I've bought with it will make a fine ark

It's certainly made an impact on Mrs Gan
She asked what she'd done to deserve a husband like me before dissolving in tears of joy

She has however pointed out some flaws in my plan to re-populate the planet :

1 The essential equipment is no longer connected
2 If it was, she'd personally disconnect it
3 An overweight middle-aged baldie needs more than a can of Lynx

Posted by: SatNavSam Tue, 27 Nov 2012 - 21:48
Post #758098

Gan, suggest you re-read Genesis. Noah took his kids and their OH's with him to do the repopulating. Hope the boat is big enough. wink.gif

Posted by: Gan Wed, 28 Nov 2012 - 09:51
Post #758192

QUOTE (SatNavSam @ Tue, 27 Nov 2012 - 21:48) *
Gan, suggest you re-read Genesis. Noah took his kids and their OH's with him to do the repopulating. Hope the boat is big enough. wink.gif

Did I say "re-populate" ?
I actually meant "last fling"

Three generations of Gan in a confined space doesn't always end well
At least Noah had a vessel the size of a small liner to keep his off-spring separate

I'm wondering if this Mayan prediction could actually be compared to the B-Ark described in the Hitchhiker's Guide.
The expected mass suicides are predicted to result in an increase of average IQ for the rest of the population (sickipedia)

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Wed, 28 Nov 2012 - 10:27
Post #758208

Here is a review by the customer of a Satellite Aerial installers in West Sussex.

Install new phone point. Score 10/10

Very good, careful of soiling, politely efficient, friendly, job done, pleased at result. Customer in West Sussex, 18 October 2012

Maybe he was careful not to bend over too quickly.

Posted by: Gan Wed, 28 Nov 2012 - 13:16
Post #758271

QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Wed, 28 Nov 2012 - 10:27) *
Here is a review by the customer of a Satellite Aerial installers in West Sussex.

Install new phone point. Score 10/10

Very good, careful of soiling, politely efficient, friendly, job done, pleased at result. Customer in West Sussex, 18 October 2012

Maybe he was careful not to bend over too quickly.

You wonder what she's used to that it was worth mentioning

A friend of mine was called in to investigate a complaint from a house-holder that the bathroom wall-paper was changing colour.
The location and pattern of the colour change resulted in rejecting the complaint with advice that somebody should adjust his aim.

Posted by: oldstoat Wed, 28 Nov 2012 - 16:41
Post #758366

Rofl gan

Posted by: Gan Wed, 5 Dec 2012 - 19:08
Post #760862

Learnt a valuable lesson today

If you can't write anything nice, don't write it at all

If you insist, don't do it by email because the wrong person may learn about it.

If you hit the ******* Reply button by mistake he'll learn about it sooner than you expect

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Thu, 6 Dec 2012 - 11:55
Post #761192

Ex Colleague of mine replied to an internal email criticising a client, making less that professional remarks. Didnt realise the customer was still in c.c.



Hence the EX.

Posted by: Clear Skies Fri, 7 Dec 2012 - 10:40
Post #761619

Happy Xmas one and all,
A timely moment to repost NOWAYK's very good post from the 8th of July 2005. it was posted in the humour thread, and I am sure is as pertinent and funny today as then..

quote.

I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law. As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand. rolleyes.gif

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?

QUOTE (http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)R%20v%20H%20&%20C%20(2004)%5b/url]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."

Posted by: buttonpusher Tue, 18 Dec 2012 - 11:33
Post #765147

Police car waiting outside a notorious bikers pub at chucking out time.
Out come a herd of bikers and one of them is reeling and the others get on their bikes and ride off at a fair rate of knots.
The reeling rider wends his way to his bike and fumbles for his keys. He manages to insert the keys at the third try. At this point the pc goes over to him.
Evening sir. he says.
Evening slurs the rider
Have you been drinking sir?? the pc asks.
No says the rider, suddenly perky and bright of eye, I'm the designated decoy.

Posted by: Gan Tue, 18 Dec 2012 - 12:14
Post #765157

From today's Daily Mail

This week’s festive edition of Mind How You Go comes from Stoke-on-Trent, where two coachloads of carol singers were flagged down by police.

Motorcycle cops with flashing blue lights signalled to the drivers to follow them.

The 90 members of the Staffordshire-based All-Women’s Choir were thrilled. They presumed they were being given a police escort to their Christmas concert.

For ten miles they roared through traffic, sirens screaming.

It was only when they arrived at Port Vale football ground that they realised the police thought they were Chesterfield supporters on their way to the game.

One of the cops looked at the rows of women, aged between 18 and 80, and said: ‘You’re not football fans, are you?’


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2249654/Without-brave-whistleblowers-Ali-Dizaei-running-Met-police.html#ixzz2FPANgjal
Follow us: http://ec.tynt.com/b/rw?id=bBOTTqvd0r3Pooab7jrHcU&u=MailOnline | http://ec.tynt.com/b/rf?id=bBOTTqvd0r3Pooab7jrHcU&u=DailyMail

Posted by: Gan Tue, 18 Dec 2012 - 13:20
Post #765183

The legendary Penelope Keith Twelve Days of Christmas

http://kazza.id.au/files/AndyetAnotherPartridgeinaPearTree.mp3

Posted by: Gan Wed, 19 Dec 2012 - 12:57
Post #765489

<h1 class="entry-title">£300,000 Damages Award for Exploding Yacht</h1> Posted on http://www.dfalaw.co.uk/300000-damages-award-for-exploding-yacht/ by http://www.dfalaw.co.uk/author/john-keeble/ A businessman whose luxury yacht exploded in flames 15 minutes into its maiden voyage has won £300,000 from the company that sold it to him. A judge ruled that, barring an attack by a submarine, the only likely explanation for the disaster was that the yacht was defective within the meaning of the Sale of Goods Act 1979.

http://www.dfalaw.co.uk/300000-damages-award-for-exploding-yacht/?utm_source=DFA+Law+LLP+-+Newsletters&utm_campaign=eb69bd94d5-DFA_Quarterly_Newsletter_December_201212_18_2012&utm_medium=email

Posted by: desktop_demon Thu, 20 Dec 2012 - 19:56
Post #765970

"Old lawyers never die - they just loose their appeal."
Happy winterval everyone.....

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 21 Dec 2012 - 09:10
Post #766067

Did you know that "Six out of seven Dwarfs are Not Happy!"

Posted by: JagDriver Fri, 21 Dec 2012 - 09:48
Post #766084

did you know father xmas likes Pizza?


He likes them deep pan, crisp and even.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 21 Dec 2012 - 17:45
Post #766212

I have just noticed that the acronym for the Financial Ombudsman Service is FOS. Its strange that this is also the acronym for something that is at capacity with excrement or as I am sure you will have guessed, Full Of S***.

Posted by: dave comer Mon, 24 Dec 2012 - 13:58
Post #766845

ItchyCrakus......I beat you to it! Please see post 426!! xxx

Posted by: hall321 Tue, 25 Dec 2012 - 07:18
Post #766976

QUOTE (dave comer @ Mon, 24 Dec 2012 - 13:58) *
ItchyCrakus......I beat you to it! Please see post 426!! xxx


Dont hold it against him, it was after all just a small mistake. wink.gif

Posted by: hall321 Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 03:30
Post #767460

So the most expensive street in Scotland is called "Dick Place", with an average property price of £1.7 million.

You would think it would have a better name than that wouldn't you.

Posted by: albert2008 Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 10:48
Post #767488

QUOTE (hall321 @ Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 03:30) *
So the most expensive street in Scotland is called "Dick Place", with an average property price of £1.7 million.


http://uranusplaza.ro/ biggrin.gif

Posted by: jdh Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 11:00
Post #767491

QUOTE (albert2008 @ Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 10:48) *
QUOTE (hall321 @ Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 03:30) *
So the most expensive street in Scotland is called "Dick Place", with an average property price of £1.7 million.


http://uranusplaza.ro/ biggrin.gif
If a pothole develops they'll be queuing up to ring the council "Hello, I'd like to report a hole in Uranus"

Posted by: hall321 Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 11:35
Post #767497

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

The old ones are the best ones.

Posted by: albert2008 Fri, 28 Dec 2012 - 20:37
Post #767601

"Christmas with Louise"

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses so no one would recognise me and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there over an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" or "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could I
could use after Christmas was over, as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.

Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Loveable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours of Christmas, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, laughing for hours.

That morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and went and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I think Grandpa still calls her.

Posted by: v8offroad Wed, 9 Jan 2013 - 12:47
Post #771116

The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens. To meter you.
rolleyes.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Mon, 28 Jan 2013 - 11:13
Post #778607

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.


He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A,B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic aboutsaving
his testicles.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Mon, 28 Jan 2013 - 12:18
Post #778620

A Taxing Question

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return:


The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one ofthe questions incorrectly.

In response to the question “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote:“

2.1 million illegal immigrants,
1.1 million crack heads,
4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers,
900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
plus 650 idiots in Parliament
£53M a day stolen to subsidise The EU scam
and the whole of the European Commission”.


The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.


The man's response back toHMRC was “Who did I miss out?”

Posted by: Johnxxx Tue, 29 Jan 2013 - 00:32
Post #778912

QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Mon, 28 Jan 2013 - 12:18) *
900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
The man's response back to HMRC was “Who did I miss out?”

He left out the 900 Lords-a-leaping ... and the partridge in rhe pear tree, etc.
Also there are only 90,000 prisoners - HMRC aren't THAT stupid ...
oh, sorry, someone just said "Oh Yes they are" and someone else said "Oh no they're not ..." (to be continued)

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Tue, 29 Jan 2013 - 08:42
Post #778947

QUOTE (Johnxxx @ Tue, 29 Jan 2013 - 00:32) *
QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Mon, 28 Jan 2013 - 12:18) *
900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
The man's response back to HMRC was “Who did I miss out?”

He left out the 900 Lords-a-leaping ... and the partridge in rhe pear tree, etc.
Also there are only 90,000 prisoners - HMRC aren't THAT stupid ...
oh, sorry, someone just said "Oh Yes they are" and someone else said "Oh no they're not ..." (to be continued)


There are less than 900 peers and I doubt many of them can Leap. At the last count it was 818..........................817...........................816..................
.........817.......................................816..........................8
15................

Who said anything about prisoners, the word I used was criminals. wink.gif

"Oh yes they are"

biggrin.gif

Posted by: Johnxxx Wed, 30 Jan 2013 - 10:11
Post #779311

QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Tue, 29 Jan 2013 - 08:42) *
There are less than 900 peers and I doubt many of them can Leap. At the last count it was 818...817...816.........817.......816.......815.....

Plus 50 now and more to come ... >900 in a years time. Keep up. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2269355/Lords-gets-50-new-peers-despite-pledge-cut-size-Cameron-course-create-Prime-Minister.html

QUOTE
Who said anything about prisoners, the word I used was criminals. wink.gif

You said 900,000 criminals in 85 prisons. Are there 810,000 prison occifers / staff ??

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Wed, 30 Jan 2013 - 11:30
Post #779353

It's a humour thread John. http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/humour

Not always 100% factually correct.

Like when Lawyers, Solicitors and Estate agents are referred to as Leeches. They don't actually suck blood.

Posted by: Johnxxx Thu, 31 Jan 2013 - 09:51
Post #779804

QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Wed, 30 Jan 2013 - 11:30) *
It's a humour thread John. Not always 100% factually correct.

Where's YOUR sense of Humour ? You're the one who challenged my (accurate) guess of 900 Lords and then mis-quoted your own (wildly inaccurate) statement about 900,000 criminals in prison.
BTW your favourite dictionary has two definitions of Leech :

1 an aquatic or terrestrial annelid worm with suckers at both ends. Many species are bloodsucking parasites, especially of vertebrates, and others are predators.
2 a person who extorts profit from or sponges on others: they are leeches feeding off the hard-working majority

If the cap (or wig) fits ...

Posted by: dave comer Thu, 31 Jan 2013 - 20:12
Post #780098

i say!!!, steady on chaps!!!

Posted by: v8offroad Thu, 31 Jan 2013 - 20:29
Post #780108

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.


A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."
icon_axe.gif

Posted by: emanresu Sat, 2 Feb 2013 - 10:04
Post #780642

From http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/01/30/eric-pickles-condemns-motorists-for-passing-speed-cameras-at-29-9mph/

QUOTE
Eric Pickles condemns motorists for passing speed cameras at 29.9mph

Communities Secretary Eric Pickles has denounced the behaviour of a majority of motorists when passing speed cameras as ‘fine dodgers’, saying they have a moral duty to man up, speed up and pay their fair share.

Pickles said that he wanted all motorists to pay £60 every time they passed a camera, helping to reduce the deficit, and that maintaining a speed just below the government-imposed threshold was reprehensible and undemocratic.

He added that people could still avoid points on their licence by paying extra for a greed awareness course, at which they would discover that cameras are used purely for revenue generation and often cause more accidents than they prevent.

Warming to his theme, he excoriated rail passengers who paid exactly the right price instead of buying a lower-value ticket or dodging the fare completely, cheating the country out of millions in fines. He saved special venom for those who bought saver tickets, as if paying even less but remaining within the letter of the law was socially acceptable.

Mr Pickles concluded by saying that men who squeezed into waistbands measuring less than 50 inches are pie-dodging wimps who have a moral duty to stuff their faces in order to stimulate the economy and make him look, if not sound, less stupid.

Posted by: spanner345 Sat, 2 Feb 2013 - 12:49
Post #780682

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-21292873

Posted by: Gan Sat, 2 Feb 2013 - 15:29
Post #780740

QUOTE (spanner345 @ Sat, 2 Feb 2013 - 12:49) *
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-21292873

Shame he didn't remove the barrier for an army firing range

Posted by: buttonpusher Sun, 3 Feb 2013 - 14:12
Post #780982

You know that Mercedes drivers are allowed to park anywhere, thats why they put the fence up to keep the riff raff out.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Mon, 4 Feb 2013 - 13:10
Post #781370

Newsflash.

The Food Standards Agency is investigating (that's funny in itself) concerns about Macdonalds products.

Minute traces of Cow DNA have been found in their burgers.

Posted by: jdh Thu, 7 Feb 2013 - 12:20
Post #782796

My son was born by caesarean last year and after the op I spent some time in the recovery room with my wife, in it there was a large binder labelled "Recovery room ops book" which had on it a logo of........... a breakdown truck towing a car. Gave me a wry smile at the time and I'd forgotten all about it until recently when I saw my son playing with his toy tow truck.

Posted by: JagDriver Fri, 8 Feb 2013 - 08:25
Post #783188

QUOTE
Newsflash.

The Food Standards Agency is investigating (that's funny in itself) concerns about Macdonalds products.

Minute traces of Cow DNA have been found in their burgers.


Unlike Findus Lasagne, which has none.

Posted by: AscotGuy Fri, 8 Feb 2013 - 09:25
Post #783205

Apparently, Findus are investigating whether fish actually have fingers.

Posted by: Gan Fri, 8 Feb 2013 - 10:05
Post #783216

QUOTE (jdh @ Thu, 7 Feb 2013 - 12:20) *
My son was born by caesarean last year and after the op I spent some time in the recovery room with my wife, in it there was a large binder labelled "Recovery room ops book" which had on it a logo of........... a breakdown truck towing a car. Gave me a wry smile at the time and I'd forgotten all about it until recently when I saw my son playing with his toy tow truck.

What happened to forceps ?

Whatever next ?
Combine Harvesters Weekly at the vasectomy clinic

Nice piece of blackhumour from Mac yesterday :




Posted by: roythebus Sat, 9 Feb 2013 - 18:33
Post #783700

I hear nuaghty naughty Chris Huhne actually nominated Aston Villa as the driver as they needed the points.

Posted by: Gan Sat, 9 Feb 2013 - 20:51
Post #783726

Mate's been told by the doctor to watch what he eats.

He's getting a ticket for the Grand National

Posted by: jdh Thu, 14 Feb 2013 - 11:11
Post #785453

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorious

Posted by: dave comer Thu, 14 Feb 2013 - 18:12
Post #785682

Guilty as Hell. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Posted by: Gan Thu, 14 Feb 2013 - 20:24
Post #785751

QUOTE (dave comer @ Thu, 14 Feb 2013 - 18:12) *
Guilty as Hell. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Case would fall apart if they found footprints

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 15 Feb 2013 - 09:21
Post #785908

Apparently one of the arresting officers looked a little bemused when his superior asked him to "Slap on the leg Irons".

Fairly sure he wont get bail. They don't have anywhere to attach a Tag.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 15 Feb 2013 - 16:19
Post #786081

There used to be a pub near us that was part of, I believe, a chain which was called "Hungry Horse". Ooops.

Posted by: mickR Fri, 15 Feb 2013 - 20:54
Post #786198

im so starving i could eat a horse! .... oh hang on ohmy.gif

Posted by: Narco Sat, 16 Feb 2013 - 09:02
Post #786329

Bought a cucumber from tesco,it turned out to be a horses cock.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 16:41
Post #789099

Can one of the "North of the Border" members confirm whether there is any truth in the rumour that the PPC trade magazine is called

Parking Enforcement News In Scotland.


Cheers.

Posted by: Gan Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 17:29
Post #789119

Couple of questions following a visit to London last night

Is it really necessary for continuous recorded announcements at a tube station that the "up" and the "down" escalators have changed directions ?
Why reverse the direction of the escalators anyway ?
How does an "all you can eat, help yourself from the buffet" Chinese restaurant justify a 10% service charge ?

Posted by: desktop_demon Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 18:14
Post #789147

you wan it cooked or wat?

Posted by: oldstoat Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 18:47
Post #789161

The president of the USA wakes up Christmas morning to snow on the White House lawn. Then he sees written in Yellow snow. "the president is a fat arse". Incenced he brings the FBI in to investigate. After half a day the FBI report back that analysis show the urine to be that of the Vice President.

Furious with rage the President demands the public humiliation and sacking of the VP.

Hold on says the FBI agent in charge. Analysis of the hand writing shows it to be the First Ladies

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The President of the USA decides to test the law enforcement and security agencies.

He brings in the heads of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD.

He tells them that in a forest near by there is a white rabbit and all thats required is that its found.

The CIA set off and carpet bomb and defoliate with agent Orange, the entire forest. The report reads The Rabbit had it coming

The FBI, set off and plant an agent in every tree under every blade of grass and on every grassy knoll. But fail to find the rabbit. The report reads. The rabbit does not exist.

Frustrated at this lack of ability the President turns to the LAPD, they send a SWAT team in and within five minutes they drag a very badly bruised and bloody bear out thats shouting I AM A RABBIT

Posted by: albert2008 Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 19:51
Post #789186

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 17:29) *
Couple of questions following a visit to London last night

Is it really necessary for continuous recorded announcements at a tube station that the "up" and the "down" escalators have changed directions ?
Why reverse the direction of the escalators anyway ?
How does an "all you can eat, help yourself from the buffet" Chinese restaurant justify a 10% service charge ?


once got stuck on one of them escalators when it failed, angry.gif

missed the train, and was 2 hours before they got it working again and could get off, smile.gif

Posted by: minotaur Sat, 23 Feb 2013 - 19:51
Post #789546

QUOTE (oldstoat @ Fri, 22 Feb 2013 - 18:47) *
The President of the USA decides to test the law enforcement and security agencies.

He brings in the heads of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD.

He tells them that in a forest near by there is a white rabbit and all thats required is that its found.

The CIA set off and carpet bomb and defoliate with agent Orange, the entire forest. The report reads The Rabbit had it coming

The FBI, set off and plant an agent in every tree under every blade of grass and on every grassy knoll. But fail to find the rabbit. The report reads. The rabbit does not exist.

Frustrated at this lack of ability the President turns to the LAPD, they send a SWAT team in and within five minutes they drag a very badly bruised and bloody bear out thats shouting I AM A RABBIT


laugh.gif
Meanwhile Homeland Security did ... what?

Posted by: Gan Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 09:20
Post #789686

Overhead in a conversation between two management consultants last week

I'm working with a company that makes nitrogen. It's not poisonous but you don't want to breathe it

Posted by: Transit man Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 10:43
Post #789711

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and
forth, back and forth........ in and out...in and out.


Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

Posted by: Gan Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 11:50
Post #789744

That sounds just like Mrs Gan who gets really annoyed by the comment

Don't worry. I can walk to the kerb from here

Posted by: minotaur Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 21:30
Post #789924

QUOTE (Gan @ Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 11:50) *
Don't worry. I can walk to the kerb from here


Is that parked or just abandoned?

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Mon, 25 Feb 2013 - 10:03
Post #790034

QUOTE (minotaur @ Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 21:30) *
QUOTE (Gan @ Sun, 24 Feb 2013 - 11:50) *
Don't worry. I can walk to the kerb from here


Is that parked or just abandoned?




TAXI!!!!

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Wed, 6 Mar 2013 - 12:14
Post #793913

I have placed this in the humour thread, because I found it funny, but more importantly it is true. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Four young, Men’s Men, would head off to the beautiful countryside in Hampshire for a week angling every year. They rested in a B&B and stayed out late drinking beer and eating curry almost every night.

The alarm went off and the four arose, dressed in their camouflage coveralls, ate a hearty full English breakfast and set off on their quest. They had decided that the target area for the day was Ellingham, one of the prettiest stretches of the river known to hold some fine specimens of their target species, the Barbel.

Bill and Ben decided they would fish near to each other and theother two intrepid Pescatores, Ant and Dec, headed off further down river.

A few hours into the hunt, Ben gets the call of nature and heads off to a small wooded area to take care of business. Within a few minutes, Bill hears screams coming from the woods. He rushes over to find outwhat is going on. As he gets closer, he hears,

“F***, SH**, F***, Cu**,B******,F***”, an endless stream of expletives. Bill entered the woods, to find Ben, stark naked, with his clothes strewn around him.

Why you may well ask?

After finding an appropriate spot, Ben had dropped his coveralls, assumed the standard squatted position, pushed like an Indian squaw having a baby and did the deed. Carefully and hygienically removing any remnants from his backside, he rose, pulled up his kit and SLAP…….

He had managed to deposit last nights’ Vindaloo, mixed with some of George Gales finest HSB bitter into the back of his coveralls and this, was now making its way down his back and onward down his legs.

I know I said I would never tell anyone BRIAN, but I couldn’t help myself.

Posted by: Gan Thu, 7 Mar 2013 - 11:36
Post #794433

This isn't humour but PPP doesn't have an obituary column

My Uncle Patrick died yesterday and I'm not looking forward to the "what's your memory of him ?" conversations

The only thing I can remember was staying on holiday in my early teens :

He warned me that his magazine collection, that i shouldn't read, was in the wardrobe in my room.
He then left me a torch "so I could find the bathroom without switching on the light"

He gifted a number of his glossies when i left but not unfortunately the French magazine featuring a "you can keep you hat on" picture of a well-known Scottish pop singer


Posted by: ItchyCrakus Thu, 7 Mar 2013 - 14:05
Post #794505

QUOTE (Gan @ Thu, 7 Mar 2013 - 11:36) *
He then left me a torch "so I could find the bathroom without switching on the light"


What a thoughtful gentleman.

Posted by: Gan Thu, 7 Mar 2013 - 19:49
Post #794674

Update

My mother's travelling tomorrow with the third sister to help his widow clear up the house

Would love to see their faces when they find that collection


Posted by: desktop_demon Fri, 22 Mar 2013 - 08:50
Post #800226

I occaisionaly read other forums and blogs but was pointed to a custody sergeants blog by a friend. The scribblings were quite reasonable - which helps restore ones faith in the BiB.

However I had to laugh at the tail wagging the dog article. The witness statement by "PC Peach" is a gem of uniformed humour.
http://thecustodyrecord.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/tail-wagging-the-dog/ laugh.gif


Posted by: Gan Mon, 25 Mar 2013 - 01:11
Post #801052

QUOTE (Gan @ Thu, 7 Mar 2013 - 11:36) *
This isn't humour but PPP doesn't have an obituary column

My Uncle Patrick died yesterday and I'm not looking forward to the "what's your memory of him ?" conversations

The only thing I can remember was staying on holiday in my early teens :

He warned me that his magazine collection, that i shouldn't read, was in the wardrobe in my room.
He then left me a torch "so I could find the bathroom without switching on the light"

He gifted a number of his glossies when i left but not unfortunately the French magazine featuring a "you can keep you hat on" picture of a well-known Scottish pop singer


We're traveling to to his funeral tomorrow and Mrs Gan's insisted that we're fully equipped to deal with bad weather

If the Government's energy policy results in no gas at the crematorium, at least we've got a spade

Posted by: spanner345 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 - 15:27
Post #801569



Close to Southpaw's abode.

Posted by: desktop_demon Wed, 10 Apr 2013 - 12:31
Post #806511

...shouldn't have been driving so fast!

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Thu, 11 Apr 2013 - 07:50
Post #806888

Can anyone tell me if the speed camera will be operational, and where it is located?

Posted by: Gan Tue, 16 Apr 2013 - 19:00
Post #809086

Thought-provoking advert at a local refurbished Esso station.
Apparently the owner of a VW Golf 1.6 TDI only has to fill up at the pump I was using, every 895 miles

Most diesel owners manage to get through life without putting petrol in at all
The others usually learn after they've done it once.

Who's this idiot who's doing it every month ?

Posted by: JagDriver Fri, 19 Apr 2013 - 08:20
Post #810122

http://xkcd.com/440/
Hovering over the image imparts more information

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 26 Apr 2013 - 10:20
Post #813050

I have just noticed we have a member called Mike Hunt. This reminds me of the time someone called our receptionist and she paged him.

One of my colleagues was left a note on his desk to call either Mr C Lyons or Mr G Raff on (01582 872171). Whipsnade Zoo to save you looking it up.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Tue, 30 Apr 2013 - 12:41
Post #814480

A friend, who is in the adult entertainment industry has asked me if it is possible to register a domain from the Cook Islands in the UK.

He was thinking something along the lines of


http://www.big.co.ck

Posted by: Gan Wed, 1 May 2013 - 09:06
Post #814786

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2317095/Carpet-cleaner-left-screaming-agony-testicles-burned-99p-shower-gel.html

Had a similar incident years ago when a small amount of an industrial chemical under my fingernails was spread over a larger and more sensitive area. In the absence of complaints from other customers, can't help thinking this is a more likely explanation.

Posted by: SatNavSam Fri, 3 May 2013 - 17:02
Post #815923

Mister Tickle was getting married. his wife, Tess, didn't want to take his name.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sat, 4 May 2013 - 06:50
Post #816105

Richard Head will be standing down next year as chairman of the "Make Deed Poll Free" campaign for affected children. He will be replaced by John Thomas. The new position of Secretary will be introduced and it is a racing certainty that Chris P. Bacon will assume the role.

Any parents who are out there that think this S***'s funny, need to grow up.

Myleen Koch

Public Relations Officer.

Posted by: Gan Sat, 4 May 2013 - 07:29
Post #816116

When Ganling #1 was taking her nursing degree, she had a placement assisting a health visitor

She not only met Mrs Khan with her son Ghengis but Mrs Curtain and her daughter, Annette

Posted by: enfield freddy Wed, 8 May 2013 - 19:56
Post #817640

Ferguson retired...? Thatcher dead...? somewhere there's a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left

Posted by: Gan Sat, 18 May 2013 - 21:00
Post #821812

Have just been checking out the possibility of growing avocado pears on one of the numerous websites

Q Can I grow my avocado tree outside ?
A If the winter temperature is less than 7 degC you must bring it inside

Q Will my avocado tree grow fruit ?
A Yes, after three or four years but you need several trees to ensure pollination

Q How tall will my avocado tree grow ?
A Between twenty and forty foot

Q What do I say to Mrs Gan who reckons the stairwell might be possible if I open the loft hatch ?
A ?

Posted by: minotaur Sun, 19 May 2013 - 15:53
Post #821984

Why would anyone try to grow a tree on a website?
huh.gif

Posted by: Gan Mon, 20 May 2013 - 17:56
Post #822425

I sometimes research chemical safety databases for my clients

Have just read a report that says the laboratory repeatedly exposed the unfortunate rats to a 2.5% atmosphere of the product for two years. The atmosphere is explosive if it reaches 3.3 %

Hope they checked that their instruments were accurate, the taps weren't leaking and the rats didn't smoke

Posted by: Gan Thu, 6 Jun 2013 - 15:39
Post #829052

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2336877/Tom-Sharpe-death-Brilliant-witty-comic-writer-dies-aged-85.html

Tom Sharpe gone. What a shame

Porterhouse Blue was based on very accurate observation and I remember my own pub crawl for the same reason as Zipser

There are few experiences more humiliating than complaining to the landlord in a crowded pub that the condom machine has taken your last 50p

Posted by: bama Thu, 6 Jun 2013 - 15:49
Post #829058

we all Wilt in the end...

Posted by: Gan Fri, 7 Jun 2013 - 10:11
Post #829309

Mrs Gan's best mate wasn't too pleased at Tesco yesterday (very large branch)

Boxes of eggs were on a 2-for-1 offer and she'd picked up the last box
They couldn't find another box and refused to sell it to her

Posted by: Billy Nommates Tue, 11 Jun 2013 - 08:48
Post #830923

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/230996655784?roken=bApJLb

One of the most honest ebay ads I've ever seen!

Posted by: JagDriver Wed, 12 Jun 2013 - 14:48
Post #831596

Removed. Anybody know how to get it back?

Posted by: Gan Wed, 12 Jun 2013 - 18:01
Post #831690

Was doing some research today on the problems faced by inventors trying to make money from their inventions

Came across a case study by a consultant who had been employed by a Portuguese inventor.
Her job was to identify why his AIDS-resistant condoms weren't selling

It didn't take her long
They were made in a hard plastic and customers didn't like the sharp corners

Posted by: Gan Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 04:50
Post #835434

The comments are more amusing than the story

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2345228/Three-hardcore-porn-movies-filmed-council-owned-car-park-just-yards-offices-town-hall-staff.html

Had a project years ago that needed the co-operation of Hillingdon Council to test the resistance of sealants immersed at different levels in a septic tank in Harefield Woods. The warden told me that he regularly interrupted film makers in the early morning.

After recovery, the samples had to be rushed as quickly as possible to Aston University for testing.
My manager was usually very keen to lend me his company car and enjoy the tax benefit resulting from the business miles.

For some reason, on this occasion he wasn't

Posted by: Cargy Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 07:06
Post #835456

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 05:50) *
Had a project years ago that needed the co-operation of Hillingdon Council to test the resistance of sealants immersed at different levels in a septic tank in Harefield Woods. The warden told me that he regularly interrupted film makers in the early morning.

After recovery, the samples had to be rushed as quickly as possible to Aston University for testing.
My manager was usually very keen to lend me his company car and enjoy the tax benefit resulting from the business miles.

For some reason, on this occasion he wasn't


laugh.gif

I vote that we should have a dedicated thread called "Gan's Corner" specifically to showcase the wealth of wonderful anecdotes he has that the world deserves to hear!

Posted by: paulajayne Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 07:44
Post #835474

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 05:50) *
The comments are more amusing than the story

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2345228/Three-hardcore-porn-movies-filmed-council-owned-car-park-just-yards-offices-town-hall-staff.html



I loved the one:-

"A porno filmed in a multi story car park? That's wrong on so many levels!"

Paula


Posted by: spanner345 Tue, 25 Jun 2013 - 12:15
Post #837619

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9066337/CCTV-police-officer-chased-himself-after-being-mistaken-for-burglar.html

Posted by: Gan Thu, 27 Jun 2013 - 11:25
Post #838599

I've just been reading the parking policy for a hospital in connection with one of the threads

They've justified the removal of parking permits for reasons that include increased car-sharing, use of public transport and cycling.
This results in an environmental benefit.

Wonder if the author realises that only hospital administrators work Monday-Friday 9-5 when such measures are practical.
Low paid shift workers who cannot afford the sky-high parking charges are more likely to get a lift to work from a partner, and another lift home at the end of the shift = two return journeys instead of one

Posted by: minotaur Sun, 30 Jun 2013 - 13:35
Post #839708

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 21 Jun 2013 - 05:50) *
The comments are more amusing than the story

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2345228/Three-hardcore-porn-movies-filmed-council-owned-car-park-just-yards-offices-town-hall-staff.html


Yes. Much. smile.gif

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Fri, 5 Jul 2013 - 08:33
Post #841627

A presenter on one of the breakfast TV shows commented after seeing a report on the world champion (well US champion) Hot Dog eating championships that "She liked a Hot Dog, but was unsure about 69". Anyone else spit their coffee out?.

biggrin.gif

Posted by: bargepole Fri, 5 Jul 2013 - 08:43
Post #841635

Last night I went out for a curry with a few of the people from work. We had booked a table for 16, and 15 of us were sat there with the poppadums when somebody received a text from the missing guy to say he was still in the office and might not make it.

So the girl who had organised it all grabbed the phone, and said "I'm going to phone him and make him come ..."

She went redder than the tandoori chicken when she realised what she'd said.

Posted by: emanresu Sun, 7 Jul 2013 - 06:38
Post #842211

A Simple Guide to ANPR by Trevor. It has to be in this thread. You'll understand when you read it. For example you could use ANPR for....

QUOTE
Most Wanted: Car thieves, terrorists or undesirables such as shop lifters can be easily detected and monitored


Terrorists are more desirable than shop lifters or is it shoplifters?

http://www.anprinabox.com/downloads/ANPR%20MANUAL.pdf

Posted by: Gan Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 07:25
Post #844553

I find it difficult to believe that a 36 year old male model and former soldier was unaware that, if you search for words beginning with fu**, you may see pictures of attractive ladies

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2362327/Chris-Sevier-lawsuit-Lawyer-amateur-model-sues-Apple-failing-protect-porn.html

Posted by: jdh Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 09:10
Post #844571

What a facewit.

Posted by: axeman Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 09:13
Post #844573

QUOTE (Gan @ Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 08:25) *
I find it difficult to believe that a 36 year old male model and former soldier was unaware that, if you search for words beginning with fu**, you may see pictures of attractive ladies

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2362327/Chris-Sevier-lawsuit-Lawyer-amateur-model-sues-Apple-failing-protect-porn.html


Good job he did not put "perky" into the search engine, would have been a right pork pie muncher by now!!!!

Posted by: Albert Ross Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 09:21
Post #844576

Well what was the point of having Black Solid Characters on a VRN against a retroreflective background?

Oh Yeah, So I could read at whatever the light angle was 100% of the time.

The Angle of incidence, (the angle you operate from) lighting, speed, distance, head lights, sunrise and sunset,
shadowing in built up areas are all contributing factors that change and vary throughout the day and night. All
these factors must be taken into consideration and at all times. There are calculations and formulas available
that cover most, if not all of these points; However I will tend to use common sense and eye judgement,
combined with quality equipment such as a powerful computer and decent cameras mounted in the right
location, this will always make your success rate increase. Finally we the software developers read the number
plate whilst the vehicle is in view and this can be several times a seconds before we produce the results.

Sorry, I was having an incidence moment.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sun, 14 Jul 2013 - 09:38
Post #844852

QUOTE (Gan @ Sat, 13 Jul 2013 - 08:25) *
I find it difficult to believe that a 36 year old male model and former soldier was unaware that, if you search for words beginning with fu**, you may see pictures of attractive ladies

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2362327/Chris-Sevier-lawsuit-Lawyer-amateur-model-sues-Apple-failing-protect-porn.html



He has a striking resemblance to Jeffrey Dahmer of you add a pair of glasses. I wouldn't believe him either.

Posted by: Gan Sun, 14 Jul 2013 - 10:00
Post #844857

QUOTE (emanresu @ Sun, 7 Jul 2013 - 07:38) *
A Simple Guide to ANPR by Trevor. It has to be in this thread. You'll understand when you read it. For example you could use ANPR for....

QUOTE
Most Wanted: Car thieves, terrorists or undesirables such as shop lifters can be easily detected and monitored


Terrorists are more desirable than shop lifters or is it shoplifters?

http://www.anprinabox.com/downloads/ANPR%20MANUAL.pdf

I suspect that terrorists and car thieves are desirable because they don't require the CCTV operative to hold an SIA licence whereas...

Posted by: Gan Fri, 26 Jul 2013 - 09:08
Post #850094

It's not really funny

We've gone to war over weapons that weren't really there

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-23455128

Posted by: Gan Fri, 16 Aug 2013 - 14:45
Post #858593

Optimistic job application, probably urban legand

http://memerial.net/4650-copy-of-my-cv-and-his-death-certificate

Posted by: andy_foster Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 12:53
Post #858866

Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Posted by: Cargy Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 13:57
Post #858883

QUOTE (andy_foster @ Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 13:53) *
Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

<...>


I used to have a collection of books with titles such as "Funny Ha Ha and Funny Peculiar", and "Funny Ho Ho and Funny Fantastic", by a guy called Dennis Parsons.

On the left side of each pair of pages would be good old-fashioned funny typos and bad writing, such as the headline:

"POLICE FOUND SAFE UNDER BLANKET"

...or the wonderful concert report that read:

"Before Miss J________ concluded the concert by singing 'I'll Walk Beside You', she was prevented with a bouquet of red roses."

On the right side of each page pair strange and absurd pieces of news, and other copy, were to be found. Such as the peculiar news of a death:

"The Body of Mrs Helen J_____, aged 30, was found yesterday in a suitcase in a shed at her home in Elstead Avenue, Wembley Park. Police are satisfied there is no question of foul play. An inquest will be held at Hendon on Monday." - attributed to the Guardian

...and :

"TAXMAN CRUSHED IN ORANGE JUICE CASE" - attributed to the Evening Standard.

40 years later, and these books can still make me laugh out loud.


Posted by: Not happy! Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 21:08
Post #859007

QUOTE (Cargy @ Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 14:57) *
QUOTE (andy_foster @ Sat, 17 Aug 2013 - 13:53) *
Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

<...>



"TAXMAN CRUSHED IN ORANGE JUICE CASE" - attributed to the Evening Standard.



Likey Likey...

I was in Waterstones this week and picked up "Greetings from Shitsville UK" After 20 minutes of laughing I thought it best to leave the premises before I got chucked out - taking the micky out of British towns, my home town wasn't in there - Big surprise

Posted by: enfield freddy Mon, 2 Sep 2013 - 13:22
Post #864698

job application



http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/08/26/employment-application-of-the-day/

Posted by: Gan Mon, 2 Sep 2013 - 13:39
Post #864704

QUOTE (enfield freddy @ Mon, 2 Sep 2013 - 14:22) *
job application



http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/08/26/employment-application-of-the-day/

That was my post #542

I got an application for a lab assistant once that included under additional training the ability to escape from a helicopter underwater

Posted by: enfield freddy Mon, 2 Sep 2013 - 14:03
Post #864709

sorry about that,



have one shorties



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it



After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she'd killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on.



I woke up this morning at 08:00 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death,you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

Posted by: Gan Sun, 8 Sep 2013 - 07:48
Post #866883

Ouch

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/new-fix-for-bits-ripped-by-zips-ae-doctors-develop-a-painfree-way-to-save-mens-er-blushes-8803429.html

Posted by: emanresu Sat, 14 Sep 2013 - 02:30
Post #869023

"I was once pulled over by the police while drink-driving. I was told that my motoring skills were faultless, but the fat lass in the passenger seat was a dead giveaway."

From Beer googles research here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24061992

Posted by: Gan Mon, 16 Sep 2013 - 12:14
Post #869808

No excuses now if we can't find it

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2419876/Who-knew-greying-genitals-problem-Amazon-stocking-30-labia-dye-restore-rosy-hue.html

Can't remember if I posted this story before :

Had a Saturday job in a menswear shop decades ago where the owner sold under the counter "something for the weekend"
It was shortly after D**** had launched an expensive coloured version of the articles

Peter had obtained a similar range from a less-expensive source and was saving them for some select regulars.
He gave the first pack to a friend who had been in jail for a few months and planned to catch up on his social life.

"Friend" came back the following Saturday, rather upset, to present the evidence of the dye running
Apparently his lady friend wasn't too happy either with her unexpected and novel blue rinse




Posted by: Gan Thu, 19 Sep 2013 - 14:41
Post #871130

What is it about owls this week ?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-24158578

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24154366 (owl flies off with rings and goes to sleep - video)

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 19 Sep 2013 - 19:49
Post #871280

The Dying Priest

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying, for years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die" whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us but it will certainly help our images".

Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time, when they arrived at the priest's room the priest took David's hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ".

"Amen", said David.

"Amen", said Nick.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same ..."

Posted by: Gan Mon, 23 Sep 2013 - 07:29
Post #872165

It's environmentally friendly

What can possibly go wrong ?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/10327504/School-closed-after-pupils-bitten-by-mites-in-eco-roof.html

Posted by: Gan Mon, 30 Sep 2013 - 08:42
Post #874847

Another candidate for a Darwin Award

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2438491/Woman-killed-man-loses-legs-hit-train-stop-sex-tracks.html

Posted by: Gan Tue, 1 Oct 2013 - 10:00
Post #875258

If you've forgotten the Highway Code, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course

Posted by: bignosemac Thu, 3 Oct 2013 - 15:59
Post #876278

The Parking Prankster versus private parking Nazis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-VgNp3nKaI

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: martinbiz Mon, 7 Oct 2013 - 23:22
Post #878129

Not motoring related, but just about the best re dub ever done, apparently it was not pulled by you tube because George Lucas saw it and thought it was brilliantly done and allowed it to stay up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vskHXtPuvBk

And this one, banned in the UK, but shown in most of Europe

Where's our sense of humour gone dontknow.gif

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=323L6pb7MZo

Posted by: Gan Sun, 10 Nov 2013 - 21:08
Post #891268

Don't remember seeing this one either

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJHsbVvGPaY

Posted by: dave comer Fri, 6 Dec 2013 - 19:23
Post #902059

Confucius Say...Man without grass in garden looks forlorn

We have just sacked our poof reader

Posted by: Gan Sun, 8 Dec 2013 - 11:32
Post #902544

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/man-calls-fire-brigade-after-getting-toilet-roll-holder-stuck-up-bottom-8978258.html

Posted by: dave comer Mon, 9 Dec 2013 - 14:38
Post #902882

Sam, an old Sailor was sat thinking over his life and decided to don his old uniform and go on the town for a last hurrah. He eventualy arrived outside the Dockyard Gate and came across a "Lady of the Night".
A price was negotiated and agreed and Sam escorted her to her place. Once inside, Sam hurridly divested himself of his clothes and launched himself at the prostitute. After several minutes of feverish activity, Sam raised himself up and looked down at the woman and smiliing ,asked her
"How am I doing?"
"About Three Knots", came the reply.
" Three Knots?", He enquired.
"Yes", said the prostitute, "You're Not Hard, You're Not In and You're Not getting Your money back".

Posted by: Gan Tue, 10 Dec 2013 - 00:30
Post #903115

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms
She is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. Once more they enjoy each other.

As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Robert.”

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: “You mean I was here already?”

The moral of the story: Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this already?

Posted by: Gan Thu, 12 Dec 2013 - 21:39
Post #904172

Just found a great description in one of my LinkedIn groups

Self-rectally positioned

Translation : up his own ********

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 12 Dec 2013 - 23:17
Post #904194

I,ve just been offered..........eight legs of Venison for 100 quid...






...is that two deer?

Posted by: Gan Fri, 13 Dec 2013 - 19:08
Post #904445

My mate's mother always buys and wraps his Christmas presents months in advance
Last year he got a dog skeleton

The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage
"It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Britney aged six

Posted by: albert2008 Thu, 19 Dec 2013 - 10:24
Post #906360

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So... whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes.

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 19 Dec 2013 - 11:33
Post #906386

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of some rather nice red wine. Although feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Posted by: enfield freddy Fri, 3 Jan 2014 - 11:38
Post #910160

Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.














Well..............they actually said: "He's still an arrogant German c!$%."

Posted by: Gan Thu, 20 Feb 2014 - 15:37
Post #928783

If home manufacture of plastic parts such as 3D printing is going to catch on, the marketing will have to be better than an equipment supplier's that I saw today

Are you fed up with buying crap plastic parts ?
Now you can make your own

Posted by: c2k Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55
Post #930364

Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)

Posted by: peterguk Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:01
Post #930367

QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55) *
Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)


I don't. wacko.gif

Posted by: Michael Gibson Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:02
Post #930368

Chris Packham's voice.

Posted by: c2k Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:47
Post #930375

QUOTE (peterguk @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:01) *
QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55) *
Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)


I don't. wacko.gif


And a 404 error is wink.gif

Posted by: peterguk Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:55
Post #930379

QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:47) *
QUOTE (peterguk @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:01) *
QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55) *
Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)


I don't. wacko.gif


And a 404 error is wink.gif


"the requested web page does not exist"

Posted by: c2k Tue, 25 Feb 2014 - 08:25
Post #930434

QUOTE (peterguk @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:55) *
QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:47) *
QUOTE (peterguk @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 22:01) *
QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55) *
Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)


I don't. wacko.gif


And a 404 error is wink.gif


"the requested web page does not exist"

better known as "page not found" - now compare to the search phrase "missing medieval servant boy" wink.gif

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 27 Feb 2014 - 17:13
Post #931560

chicken dispute




Asian fellow keeps chickens in his back garden his english niegbour next door wakes up one morning looks out his bedroom window and sees one of these chickens running round his garden he thinks f--k it i am keeping that,he hears a knock at his front door and answers it ,asian fellow stands there and says my chicken is in your garden can i have it back ,english man says f--k off its mine now ,asian fellow argues ,englishman says posetion is nine tenths of the law now f--k off ,asian keeps arguing ,english fellow says in our country when we cannot agree we have only one way of settalling this we take it in turns to kick each other in the bollox the person who gets up first keeps the chicken,to this the asian agrees,english fellow says i go first,asian fellow stands there legs open english fellow takes a run and kicks him straight in the balls he drops to his knees squeeling like a pig ,pewks all over his shirt tears rolling from his eyes 10 minutes later after he recovers he looks up at the english fellow and says my turn,english fellow replies ah keep the chicken



Posted by: minotaur Sun, 2 Mar 2014 - 19:42
Post #932574

QUOTE (c2k @ Mon, 24 Feb 2014 - 21:55) *
Did you know that if you search Google for "missing medieval servant boy" you get a 404 error.


(That may be a bit geeky for some)


or 15 hits linking to the same joke.

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 6 Mar 2014 - 09:14
Post #933984

Oscar Pistorious




Latest odds from BetFred

9/2 he's guilty.... 1000/1 he walks








Posted by: minotaur Thu, 6 Mar 2014 - 17:04
Post #934208

England are 33-1 to win the World Cup.
In case you don't understand how betting works -
that means, if you put £20 on England to win, you lose £20.

Posted by: sputnik365 Thu, 6 Mar 2014 - 23:41
Post #934311

I've been trying to learn to count in french, but I can't get past seven.
Seems I have a wheat allergy

Posted by: Gan Mon, 10 Mar 2014 - 08:45
Post #935524

Somebody should tell this mother to get a life and make a bacon sandwich

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2577008/Peppa-Pig-taught-little-girl-F-word-Horrified-mother-says-band-one-episode-sounds-like-swear-word.html


Posted by: Cargy Mon, 10 Mar 2014 - 09:10
Post #935533

QUOTE (Gan @ Mon, 10 Mar 2014 - 08:45) *
Somebody should tell this mother to get a life and make a bacon sandwich

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2577008/Peppa-Pig-taught-little-girl-F-word-Horrified-mother-says-band-one-episode-sounds-like-swear-word.html


Or she should start a thread on peppapoo!!

Posted by: Gan Mon, 10 Mar 2014 - 12:01
Post #935613

About 1:45

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=schCwQ3oHdc

Posted by: David_R Sat, 15 Mar 2014 - 22:16
Post #937940

Confucious say: Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Engineer dies in an accident. He arrives at the Purley gates, and St. Peter looks through his list. "sorry, I can't find you on the list". "what?" replies the Engineer "I thought that was the deal? Engineers are supposed to have a fast-track to heaven aren't they, to make up for the crap pay we've had to endure for our lives despite all the responsibility of design and safety etc."

"Yes" says St. Peter, "But like nightclubs, you're not on the list, so I'm afraid you can't come in, and it's off to Hell for you.

The Engineer is despondent, but trudges off and goes down the gazillion stairs down to hell. He's greeted by the Devil. "Wow.. An Engineer. We've not had one of you before. Make yourself at home won't you!"

The Engineer has a look around at hell and decides he doesn't like it very much as it is, so sets about fixing it. He designs and builds air-conditioning to keep the heat down. Designs and builds automatic fire suppression systems to keep the fire at bay, sorts out hot and cold running water and various other creature comforts. Hell is much improved.

God gets word of this, and realises that one of "his" Engineers has been mistakenly sent down to Hell. God storms down to Hell and confronts the Devil.

"Give me back my Engineer. You know the deal, all Engineers come up to Heaven."

The Devil is having none of it: "Have you seen what he's done down here! This guy's amazing! You're not having him." God is fuming. "you give him back to me now. You know the deal on certain professions. Engineers come to heaven, the end."

The Devil has nothing to lose, so call's God's bluff. "no chance.. he stays here." God is now incandescent with rage. "YOU GIVE HIM BACK NOW OR I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!!"

The Devil calmly replies "and just where will YOU get a lawyer from? hmm??"

Posted by: c2k Sat, 15 Mar 2014 - 22:54
Post #937957

QUOTE (David_R @ Sat, 15 Mar 2014 - 22:16) *
Confucious say: Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And a man peering over his garden wall looks forlorn.....


in another vein - Do conspiracy theories really exist or is there a secret cabal creating them all?

Posted by: paulajayne Wed, 26 Mar 2014 - 15:15
Post #942293

POSTED ON THE ARMY FORUM.

May be true.

(((((Don’t we just love and admire them.....


Just had an interesting chat with one of Hampshire's finest police
officers - let's call him officer Dibble

The discussion went something like this :

Dibble "Good afternoon sir, is this your car"

Me "Yes, why have you stopped me?"

Dibble "How fast were you driving just before we stopped you?"

Me "About 55/60mph"

Dibble "Actually it was 58mph, are you aware of the speed limit?

Me "Yes"

Dibble "Then why were you going nearly 20 mph over the limit?" (at which
point a lecture about the danger of speeding, failing to respond to road
signs, how it was a country road etc etc etc)

Me "Sorry but are you aware that this section of the road is national
speed limit?"

Dibble "No it's not. It is a 40 mph zone, the signs are back there"

Me "So what about that sign I passed saying it was no longer a 40 zone
but national limit?"

Dibble "There is no sign"

Me "Let's go back and have a look shall we?"

Dibble "There's no need, we clearly saw the 40 mph signs"

Me "You are not local are you?"

Dibble, "No we are from about 20 miles away from here but that doesn't
make any difference. You were still exceeding the speed limit"

Me "If you were local you would know about the national limit sign on
the post which is kind of hard to see since the council put a sign up
which almost hides it"

Dibble "Well we didn't see it"

Me "Does that mean it's not there then?"

Dibble "No, but it does mean that in our opinion you were speeding"

Me "So you are going to give me a ticket for doing 58mph in a 60 mph
zone because you didn't see the sign? Who's going to ring the local
papers - you or me?"

Dibble "Don't get sarcastic with me"

Me "Shall we go back and have a look at that sign now?"

Dibble "No I'll wait here with you and my partner will go back and
check"

Me "I'll lock my car up and we can all go back together - I can show you
where the sign is then"

Dibble "Do you think we are incapable of seeing a sign at the side of
the road?"

Me "I'm not going to answer that one because you'll probably accuse me
of being sarcastic.........but isn't that why you stopped me in the
first place"

Dibble then went to his car and sent his mate off to have a look, 2
minutes later he's back and the two of them are having a bit of a chat

Dibble "You are half right, there is a sign there but because it's
partly obscured by other signage and the hedge then it doesn't apply"

Me "You've just made that up haven't you?"

Dibble "No that's how it works so although the sign is there because you
can't see it then it doesn't apply so you were speeding"

Me " I did see it, that's why I accelerated from 40 mph to 60 mph, it
was you that didn't see it which is why you stopped me for speeding"

Dibble "I've told you about being sarcastic"

Me "So if I were going the other way and didn't slow down for the 40mph
sign which is actually partly hidden in the hedge at the moment I could
use this argument and quote you to avoid getting nicked - would you
write it down for me along with your name and number?"

Dibble "I've told you about being sarcastic"

Me "Look this is going nowhere, either give me a ticket for speeding or
let me go home"

I then got a pen out of my car door pocket and started to write down his number

Dibble "What are you doing"

Me "Without wishing to sound even slightly sarcastic, I'm writing down
your number so that I can report you"

Dibble "OK, go on then, carry on, go home or wherever you were going
just don't do it again"

Me "Don't do what again?"

Dibble - No answer just got in his car and they drove off )))))

Posted by: enfield freddy Thu, 27 Mar 2014 - 23:55
Post #942981

https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos...310829368_n.jpg










Posted by: Hippocrates Tue, 1 Apr 2014 - 14:33
Post #944709

Newham DNC in fear of motorist:

Register Kept Under Regulation 20 of the Road Traffic (Parking Adjudicators)(London) Regulations 1993, as amended or Paragraph 21 of the Schedule to the Civil Enforcement of Parking Contraventions (England) Representations and Appeals Regulations 2007, as applicable
Case Reference: 2140070253
Appellant: Mr Paul Kersey
Authority: Newham
VRM: KH06FLW
PCN: PN09676153
Contravention Date:
Contravention Time:
Contravention Location:
Penalty Amount:
Contravention:
Decision Date: 01 Apr 2014
Decision: Allowed by order of the Chief Adjudicator


This is not an April Fool joke!

Posted by: Hippocrates Tue, 1 Apr 2014 - 19:28
Post #944808


Register Kept Under Regulation 20 of the Road Traffic (Parking Adjudicators)(London) Regulations 1993, as amended or Paragraph 21 of the Schedule to the Civil Enforcement of Parking Contraventions (England) Representations and Appeals Regulations 2007, as applicable

Case Reference: 2040163244
Appellant: Mr Martin Wood
Authority: Hounslow
VRM: R369EHB
PCN: HW63525039
Contravention Date:
Contravention Time:
Contravention Location:
Penalty Amount:
Contravention:
Decision Date: 26 May 2004
Decision: Dismissed by order of the Chief Adjudicator

Posted by: minotaur Sun, 4 May 2014 - 12:27
Post #956964

Not funny but I didn't want to mess up any other thread -

It's Star Wars Day. May the Fourth ... http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php

Posted by: paulajayne Tue, 6 May 2014 - 12:12
Post #957485

Parking problems solved:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD6qdzQvHhE

Posted by: Gan Fri, 9 May 2014 - 08:32
Post #958700

Thought everyone knew that honesty doesn't win dating shows

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2623632/Contestant-Turkish-dating-TV-asked-leave-revealing-murdered-ex-wife-AND-subsequent-lover.html

Posted by: Gan Fri, 9 May 2014 - 11:37
Post #958773

Had a meeting last night at my old Uni's chemistry department and browsed some display cases while I was waiting

One of the exhibits referred to a friendship between the Giovanni Vigani, their first professor and Isaac Newton
The friendship ended after Giovanni told a colourful joke about a nun

Have just been researching its potential for a "Butterfly Effect" article and stumbled across this unrelated story
Telephones at the time were rung by signalling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and the earth

An elderly lady complained that her phone didn't ring when her friends called. When it did ring, the dog always barked first

The telephone repairman arrived to investigate the problem and the psychic dog

He climbed a nearby phone with his test set and dialed the number. The phone didn't ring
He tried again. the dog barked followed by the phone ringing

He found that :

1 The dog was fastened to the telephone earth post with a metal chain and collar
2 The dog was receiving a 90 volt signalling shock
3 After several shocks the dog would bark and urinate
4 The wet ground completed the circuit and allowed the phone to ring


Which just goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just ****ing on them

Posted by: JagDriver Fri, 9 May 2014 - 14:04
Post #958826

Although removing leaves from the live rail might not be one of them smile.gif

Posted by: Gan Fri, 9 May 2014 - 16:22
Post #958872

QUOTE (JagDriver @ Fri, 9 May 2014 - 15:04) *
Although removing leaves from the live rail might not be one of them smile.gif

Mythbusters reckoned it was OK but viewers thought the stream they used was a bit weak
No matter how distasteful, the conventional prostate test has its advantages

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDY-0ijiOEQ


Posted by: jdh Mon, 12 May 2014 - 22:01
Post #960009

The BBC reporter covering the Boko Haram mass kidnapping story is none other than...... Nick Childs

Posted by: Gan Fri, 30 May 2014 - 12:43
Post #966396

The article is about Monarch's decision to get rid of reclining seats, a frequent source of air rage

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/article-2643647/Monarch-Airline-bans-reclining-seats-planes-90-passengers-vote-ditch-them.html

Found this in the comment section :

Takes me back a few years ago on a flight back from the Caribbean.

The elderly couple in the seats in front of us, who had obviously paid more for the extra legroom of a bulkhead seat then felt it necessary to have their seats in full tilt back mode as well.

I had photographed them with their feet up the wall of the bulkhead pushing their seats back as hard as they could after I complained that the frame was digging into my knees.

I bet it took a while to clean out the contents of her handbag which she mistakenly left under her seat and within easy reach of us! Revenge was sweet and after all, I couldn't get up to the bathroom due to my arthritis
.

Posted by: albert2008 Wed, 11 Jun 2014 - 08:19
Post #970308

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?

I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of.

It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

biggrin.gif

Posted by: Albert Ross Thu, 12 Jun 2014 - 23:12
Post #971017

QUOTE (albert2008 @ Wed, 11 Jun 2014 - 09:19) *
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?

I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of.

It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

biggrin.gif

It is a fight back forum. Take control and do it yourself.

Posted by: LamboVeneno Tue, 1 Jul 2014 - 21:19
Post #977155

3 Duracell employees have been arrested, and charged with battery.

Men who chase cars get exhausted.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Posted by: Joe R Thu, 3 Jul 2014 - 16:23
Post #977710

For those who are following the World Cup will understand

http://s60.photobucket.com/user/joe-rogers/media/10446637_884963258184722_981453146816846795_n_zps5fb6176d.png.html

Posted by: Gan Sat, 5 Jul 2014 - 09:33
Post #978315

Was already under arrest but knew the police wouldn't follow him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbxOui31-Jg

Posted by: Hippocrates Tue, 9 Sep 2014 - 11:01
Post #1000185

What did the Mexican fireman name his twin boys?

Jose and Hose B.

Posted by: Gan Fri, 12 Sep 2014 - 15:41
Post #1001437

Shame he had previously donated because this would be the ultimate Darwin

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2753346/Chinese-medical-student-died-heart-attack-looked-sexy-magazine-fourth-donation-sperm-bank-week.html

Posted by: Gan Sat, 13 Sep 2014 - 10:02
Post #1001646

Apple's slogan for its latest product

"A new intimate way to connect and communicate from your wrist"

As if anyone that queues for days to buy their mystery product needs a new intimate way to connect with his wrist

Posted by: c2k Thu, 25 Sep 2014 - 22:17
Post #1005970

Couple of groaners:

Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader. He is described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe

You shouldn't trust quarks, they make everything up.

It's a thin line between murder and manslaughter. Roughly the thickness of a door.
(Magical edit from width to thickness after Gan spotted I'd made a cock up - thanks)

Posted by: Gan Mon, 29 Sep 2014 - 07:56
Post #1006850

Shouldn't that be the thickness of a door ?

Posted by: dave comer Mon, 29 Sep 2014 - 22:24
Post #1007115

Due to climate change, we now have Muslim Weather......... partly Sunni...mostly Shi'ite.

Posted by: Gan Fri, 3 Oct 2014 - 16:44
Post #1008330

Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match

14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there" - Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.

15 Fred's too old to get his leg over so he's going to use his left hand instead (Fred Davis, ambidextrous elderly snooker player having difficulty leaning over the table)

Posted by: Gan Sat, 11 Oct 2014 - 15:08
Post #1010625

Bad day at the office

How not to clear up a dead whale

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKoo5PmYWz8

Posted by: Fredd Sat, 11 Oct 2014 - 15:56
Post #1010640

QUOTE (Gan @ Sat, 11 Oct 2014 - 16:08) *
Bad day at the office
How not to clear up a dead whale
I assumed you were posting this classic oldie at first:

Posted by: astralite Mon, 13 Oct 2014 - 20:28
Post #1011278

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 3 Oct 2014 - 17:44) *
Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match

14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there" - Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.

15 Fred's too old to get his leg over so he's going to use his left hand instead (Fred Davis, ambidextrous elderly snooker player having difficulty leaning over the table)


Thanks for these Gan. Got to go with your No 1. My runners up (got to be one somewhere? !) 10 and 11.



Posted by: mickR Mon, 13 Oct 2014 - 21:23
Post #1011298

QUOTE (Gan @ Fri, 3 Oct 2014 - 17:44) *
Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.
13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match


one of my favorites but ....apparently something which was never said sad.gif

Posted by: spanner345 Fri, 24 Oct 2014 - 10:46
Post #1014630

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are not healing and are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.".

Posted by: andy_foster Wed, 29 Oct 2014 - 09:32
Post #1015765

QUOTE
Hello, as a new member i didnt wanted to create a new topic and decided to ask a question personally instead. hope u can help me here. so the thing is my husband got 2 pcn's in 2 days, the same time, same location just one is a day later than another. now do u know if i have a chance challenging one pcn and paying off the first one? does d council ever do good will on pcn's? like he's learned his lesson so we pay for first one and cancel d second one? he went to Ilford, london and was looking for gym and apparently and thought that its ok for him to go into that street after 21.30 he said d sign said so though i need to go there myself to see it on my own.
Any help would be very appeciated.
thank you
regards


You clearly have no understanding of how forums such as this work. People with problems (as opposed to someone else who is trying to help but only has half the story) post them in threads in the appropriate forum and those that have the time, ability and inclination offer assistance and/or advice. Obviously, if the poster takes the trouble to post in English and uses appropriate punctuation, it makes the post far easier for those who might be minded to assist to do so.

Other than enabling a large number of people the opportunity to offer their advice, if they are so minded, and the system of peer review which is inherent in forums such as this, the other advantage of posting in the public forums is that others with similar issues are able to read the advice given and apply it to their own situations.

Obviously, some people might prefer more specialised 'one to one' advice and assistance. I would suggest that such people, rather than spamming anyone who they think might be able to assist, employ the services of a professional lawyer.


Posted by: mickR Fri, 31 Oct 2014 - 20:07
Post #1016588

They aren't all locked up......
well the owner isn't but this is.......


Only.....

It's in the middle of rows of cars.....

on a FERRY to the Isle of Wight laugh.gif




Oh Bo11ox this should have gone in the humor thread sad.gif SP can you move please

Posted by: Gan Sat, 1 Nov 2014 - 09:26
Post #1016670

I was amused to see that it's official advice to fit them to high tech, high security vehicles because they're so easy to break into

Some insurance companies won't touch Range Rovers in London if they're kept on-street
The response from some manufacturers was that it's legislation's fault for allowing the scanner/decoders to be sold

As if they couldn't be knocked together after getting a few parts from Maplins

Unrelated story

If this is a genuine example of showing disrespect to a political leader, it's one of the funniest (and bravest) that I've seen

http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/theres-something-very-wrong-with-this-photo-of-kim-jongun--lJoGJj8xDx

Posted by: JagDriver Thu, 13 Nov 2014 - 09:28
Post #1020163

That photo made it onto HIGNFY.

Posted by: spanner345 Sat, 15 Nov 2014 - 11:45
Post #1020745

From VIZ..........

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 00:38
Post #1025880

Americas Thanksgiving festivities are now over. The tradition of eating Turkey is thought to have begun when Native American Indians presented the birds to the Pilgrims as gifts, hence the continuing tradition of eating the fine bird. Just think if they had been presented with a cat.....They would all be eating ***** at least once a year.

Posted by: minotaur Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 11:36
Post #1025935

Why aren't there more muslims in America?

Muslims pray before each meal - who has time to pray 34 times a day?

Posted by: JagDriver Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 12:14
Post #1025940

Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.

Posted by: bama Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 12:36
Post #1025948

and French.

Posted by: paulajayne Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 13:20
Post #1025960

And Welsh

Posted by: Gan Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 22:29
Post #1026239

Their Statue of Liberty is French and I recall reading that their National Anthem is Welsh

Posted by: Gan Sat, 13 Dec 2014 - 19:58
Post #1029749

How not to propose

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30462825

Posted by: emanresu Thu, 8 Jan 2015 - 08:37
Post #1036122

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Posted by: Albert Ross Thu, 8 Jan 2015 - 22:07
Post #1036357

Gives a whole new meaning to HEADS OF LOSS

Posted by: emanresu Tue, 20 Jan 2015 - 05:43
Post #1039781

Daily Mail Article from their Royal Correspondent

QUOTE
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.


Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. .

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."


"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." .

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. .

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.



"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.


"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"


The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

"Let's have another look at the dog."

Posted by: The Rookie Tue, 20 Jan 2015 - 06:26
Post #1039796

QUOTE (JagDriver @ Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 12:14) *
Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.

As opposed to Hindi?

Posted by: dave comer Sat, 24 Jan 2015 - 13:44
Post #1041371

We have started to call grandad Spiderman. Not that he has got superhuman powers but for the fact that he has difficulty getting out of the bath.

Posted by: Michael Gibson Sun, 25 Jan 2015 - 21:10
Post #1041790

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sat, 31 Jan 2015 - 23:50
Post #1043588

QUOTE (JagDriver @ Tue, 2 Dec 2014 - 12:14) *
Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.


I thought you had a sense of humour........especially seeing your screen name.

Posted by: Gan Wed, 4 Feb 2015 - 09:47
Post #1044436

Can't imagine that Obama could handle this situation as well as Ronald Reagan did

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82012462/


Posted by: c2k Sun, 15 Feb 2015 - 22:51
Post #1048609

The inventor of predictive text has unfortunately died
His funfair will be held on sundial

Posted by: freddy1 Mon, 2 Mar 2015 - 12:56
Post #1053687

school registration

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For fcuk sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen! :smile:

Posted by: freddy1 Tue, 10 Mar 2015 - 19:38
Post #1056764




check the writing on the rear side window

Posted by: freddy1 Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40
Post #1057154

fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"

Posted by: CoffeeAddict Mon, 5 Oct 2015 - 20:10
Post #1116598

A new way to get out of parking tickets:

https://www.facebook.com/thatisjokess/videos/414420868753358/?fref=nf

Posted by: waldridgekaiser Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:01
Post #1132641

Why have traffic police officers got two holes in their underpants?


To put their legs through.

Mancunian joke:

What is the difference between a sock and a camera?

One takes five toes, the other takes photos

Posted by: waldridgekaiser Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:13
Post #1132642

An Anglican vicar, a Jewish Rabbi, a Muslim Imam and a Roman Catholic Priest meet to discuss matters of faith and community unity in the Anglican parish tea room.

After the main business is done, the Vicar says: "I wish I could rid my church of the squirrel infestation we are suffering, they are here 24/7 nibbling the plants and ". The Rabbi shrugs and says "Now that is a tough one, you must show them a caring approach". The Imam reflects deeply and can only offer: "Allah can't allow you to harm these creatures". The Roman Catholic Priest said: "Ah, that's easy, baptize them all and you'll only see them at Easter because they'll hibernate through Christmas".

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31
Post #1132656

QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.

Posted by: PASTMYBEST Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 10:45
Post #1132667

QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31) *
QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.


But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles

Posted by: albert2008 Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 11:33
Post #1132673

QUOTE (PASTMYBEST @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 10:45) *
QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31) *
QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.


But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles


I had an Uncle with a wooden leg called George,

Posted by: andy_foster Mon, 18 Jan 2016 - 22:53
Post #1143241

During the first year of my law degree, one of my coursework questions concerned an allegation of gbh, and the question posed was how would I advise the accused. My answer was to advise him that he was entitled to free legal advise from a real lawyer, and that as he was potentially facing a custodial sentence he probably ought not to rely on advice from a first year law student. Apparently that was not the answer they were looking for.

Posted by: freddy1 Mon, 1 Feb 2016 - 17:59
Post #1146452

twister spotted UK

https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/2651008741612966/

Posted by: Mad Mick V Thu, 2 Jun 2016 - 18:15
Post #1181186

One of the new Fatso cameras:-

https://media.giphy.com/media/l0NwxKWmsrmN28kow/giphy.gif

Mick

Posted by: silverfox60017 Wed, 8 Jun 2016 - 21:05
Post #1182871

A next door neighbour has just returned from Switzerland where he took his mother for the Dignitas treatment. He was absolutely livid at the way they treated her, especially what they gave her for breakfast on 'The Day'


A plate of Cheerios

Posted by: captain swoop Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 00:51
Post #1229987

Nice offer on Amazon: if you buy all the Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.

Posted by: DancingDad Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 01:04
Post #1229989

Ouch smile.gif

Posted by: captain swoop Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 09:21
Post #1230025

Just noticed there is a humour thread. I will ask for it to be moved

Posted by: captain swoop Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 23:52
Post #1230342

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."



Someone told me I couldn't dress up as a flamingo for Halloween, so I had to put my foot down.

Posted by: freddy1 Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 14:16
Post #1241928

I heard some sad news today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous .

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Posted by: mickR Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 19:38
Post #1242047

Late xmas pressie....
Dead budgie for sale
Not going cheap.

Posted by: freddy1 Mon, 26 Dec 2016 - 12:39
Post #1243398

today we hear of the sad death of George Micheal

the BBC are reporting that the fact that a full chocolate bar was sticking out of his $%% is a "carless wispa"

Posted by: Sophia1979 Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:12
Post #1246443

I love those jokes, please post more cause it's my daily dose of humour biggrin.gif

Posted by: ItchyCrakus Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:17
Post #1246445

Where do you take a sick horse?

Horspital.

Posted by: silverfox60017 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 - 23:36
Post #1251143

My dog can do magic tricks


Its a Labracadabrador

Posted by: mickR Sun, 29 Jan 2017 - 18:32
Post #1253756

Whats the judge with no thumbs called ?


Justice Fingers.

Posted by: Fluffykins Tue, 7 Feb 2017 - 22:28
Post #1257170

Did you hear about the new royal dynasty that was uncovered in the Egyptian desert? A fantasitcally well preserved mummy was uncovered. There were even detectable food traces found on the bandages: mostly nuts and a form of chocolate, all of which pointed archaelogists at the identity of the royal figure as being Pharo Rocher.

Posted by: JagDriver Wed, 8 Feb 2017 - 12:39
Post #1257359

Whats the difference between America and a pot a yogurt?


The 2 weeks the yogurt will have developed a culture.

Posted by: Fluffykins Tue, 21 Mar 2017 - 14:50
Post #1270927

So Queen Victoria was at Balmoral and was invited by a friend to a small function .

The affair was to be a fancy dress party and Victoria was deliberating what to wear when her ghillie, John Brown told her he had an Elk costume that could offer something different.

“No!” replied Victoria “We are not a moose”

Posted by: Fluffykins Tue, 13 Jun 2017 - 09:48
Post #1292430



So have you seen the liquid Viagra? Comes in a bottle a bit like a Tippex bottle.

Picked up a Tippex bottle by mistake the other day and took some of that. Woke up next morning with an enormous correction

Posted by: freddy1 Thu, 22 Jun 2017 - 19:22
Post #1294551

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on *****, purple lipstick, and a 'Theresa May for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the May T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.

Posted by: Neil B Thu, 13 Jul 2017 - 22:43
Post #1300405



Posted by: mickR Tue, 26 Sep 2017 - 10:25
Post #1318744

I had an odd job guy round and gave him a list of 10 things.
He did 1,3,5,7 and 9.

Posted by: Mr Meldrew Fri, 10 Nov 2017 - 19:41
Post #1330709

Morrisons’ car park last night (true)

Stranger lifts hatch of seemingly empty adjacent car just as I climb out of mine.

Stranger: “Alright?”
Me: “Fine mate, you?” (Friendly folk round here)

Dog now visible in stranger’s car.

Me: “I feel so stupid, I thought you were talking to me”

I set my car alarm, ‘chirp’, ‘chirp’.

Stranger loading shopping: “Do you think people take any notice of car alarms these days?”

Me: “You asking the dog or me?”

Stranger: “You, ‘cus I can’t get the dog to answer those kind of questions.”

Made my evening (I don’t get out much)

Posted by: Neil B Tue, 21 Nov 2017 - 16:08
Post #1333397

Tickled me.

Needs volume.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IerrIrsW0Fc

Posted by: micaRoss Mon, 26 Feb 2018 - 08:01
Post #1361761

I like this one:

Posted by: Fluffykins Wed, 31 Oct 2018 - 11:42
Post #1429784

HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer… always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What's on TV?” I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and processed my application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.”
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started...

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