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Humour thread.
Clear Skies
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
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post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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Schofeldt
post Sun, 27 Aug 2023 - 08:11
Post #761


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In the Houses of Parliament which rule this great land
When a motion is passed the members all stand.
In my rented house which I do not own
When a motion is passed the member sits down.

pottytrain5.gif


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Thu, 31 Aug 2023 - 09:15
Post #762


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Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



Codswallop
Rubbish
Absurdity
Piffle


This aptly describes what we are faced with everyday. Or put another way: bs.gif

This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Thu, 31 Aug 2023 - 09:19


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Wed, 6 Sep 2023 - 07:58
Post #763


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



wacko.gifTransport for London.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Fri, 15 Sep 2023 - 22:24
Post #764


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



KROK=Karma Rules OK.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Mon, 25 Sep 2023 - 09:13
Post #765


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



Net Zero=An unsuccessful fishing expedition.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sun, 29 Oct 2023 - 11:19
Post #766


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



007's Parrot v Mr Big's Crocodile


https://youtu.be/PBtLeVClou0


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 4 Nov 2023 - 18:24
Post #767


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



Totally Nuts.

Elektra and Schofeldt filmed by astralite

https://youtu.be/exN-tdiCr-A


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 11 Nov 2023 - 07:28
Post #768


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



Buffalo drops his boy off to attend school. What does he say to him?....................................................Bison.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Wed, 22 Nov 2023 - 21:05
Post #769


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hal.

Hal who?

Hallucination, pepipoo is still working!


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 17:05
Post #770


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



NSL=No such luck.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 20:58
Post #771


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



In the Houses of Parliament which rule this great land,
When a motion is passed, the members all stand.
In this house of mine which I do not own,
When a motion is passed, the member sits down.

icon_butt.gif bootyshake.gif wacko.gif

This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 21:08


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Tue, 28 Nov 2023 - 11:44
Post #772


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



British Prime Minister to Greek Prime Minister: "You've lost your marbles. "

Greek Prime Minister to British Prime Minister: "So have you!"



argue.gif

This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Tue, 28 Nov 2023 - 11:44


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 16 Dec 2023 - 23:39
Post #773


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



If I ever spent a night or two etc. in a prison, I would ask for a room overlooking a bus lane or yellow box junction. For obvious reasons. homework.gif

This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Sat, 16 Dec 2023 - 23:42


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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Schofeldt
post Sat, 30 Dec 2023 - 12:59
Post #774


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



One day in New York, a narcissist had a chance meeting with Mariah Carey during which she asked him what he would like for Christmas to which he replied: All I want for Christmas is a


Mirror.


love3.gif icon_rendeer.gif icon_santa.gif


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
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v8offroad
post Thu, 11 Jan 2024 - 16:44
Post #775


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 49
Joined: 26 May 2012
Member No.: 55,128



One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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Schofeldt
post Wed, 31 Jan 2024 - 21:37
Post #776


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
Go to the top of the page
 
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v8offroad
post Fri, 16 Feb 2024 - 13:52
Post #777


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 49
Joined: 26 May 2012
Member No.: 55,128



The bear

Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
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roythebus
post Sat, 2 Mar 2024 - 17:50
Post #778


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 6,963
Joined: 19 Dec 2006
From: Near Calais
Member No.: 9,683



Latest traffic news, a Mr.Whippy van overturned in Bexleyheath. Police have the area coned off... It was reported after a member of the public dialled 99.
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Schofeldt
post Sun, 24 Mar 2024 - 11:27
Post #779


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 2,400
Joined: 14 Apr 2022
Member No.: 116,298



We have carefully considered=We were in Wales at the time.


--------------------
People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.

Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life.

Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life.

One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life.

As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life.

The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life.


It's all in the wrist.
Go to the top of the page
 
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