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Humour thread.
Clear Skies
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
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post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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waldridgekaiser
post Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:01
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Why have traffic police officers got two holes in their underpants?


To put their legs through.

Mancunian joke:

What is the difference between a sock and a camera?

One takes five toes, the other takes photos
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waldridgekaiser
post Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:13
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An Anglican vicar, a Jewish Rabbi, a Muslim Imam and a Roman Catholic Priest meet to discuss matters of faith and community unity in the Anglican parish tea room.

After the main business is done, the Vicar says: "I wish I could rid my church of the squirrel infestation we are suffering, they are here 24/7 nibbling the plants and ". The Rabbi shrugs and says "Now that is a tough one, you must show them a caring approach". The Imam reflects deeply and can only offer: "Allah can't allow you to harm these creatures". The Roman Catholic Priest said: "Ah, that's easy, baptize them all and you'll only see them at Easter because they'll hibernate through Christmas".
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ItchyCrakus
post Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31
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QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.

This post has been edited by ItchyCrakus: Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:33


--------------------


accusare nemo se debet, nisi coram Deo
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PASTMYBEST
post Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 10:45
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QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31) *
QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.


But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles


--------------------
All advice is given freely. It is given without guarantee and responsibility for its use rests with the user
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albert2008
post Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 11:33
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QUOTE (PASTMYBEST @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 10:45) *
QUOTE (ItchyCrakus @ Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31) *
QUOTE (freddy1 @ Wed, 11 Mar 2015 - 21:40) *
fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"


Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles.


But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles


I had an Uncle with a wooden leg called George,
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andy_foster
post Mon, 18 Jan 2016 - 22:53
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During the first year of my law degree, one of my coursework questions concerned an allegation of gbh, and the question posed was how would I advise the accused. My answer was to advise him that he was entitled to free legal advise from a real lawyer, and that as he was potentially facing a custodial sentence he probably ought not to rely on advice from a first year law student. Apparently that was not the answer they were looking for.


--------------------
Andy

Some people think that I make them feel stupid. To be fair, they deserve most of the credit.
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freddy1
post Mon, 1 Feb 2016 - 17:59
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twister spotted UK

https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/2651008741612966/
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Mad Mick V
post Thu, 2 Jun 2016 - 18:15
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One of the new Fatso cameras:-

https://media.giphy.com/media/l0NwxKWmsrmN28kow/giphy.gif

Mick
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silverfox60017
post Wed, 8 Jun 2016 - 21:05
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A next door neighbour has just returned from Switzerland where he took his mother for the Dignitas treatment. He was absolutely livid at the way they treated her, especially what they gave her for breakfast on 'The Day'


A plate of Cheerios
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captain swoop
post Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 00:51
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Nice offer on Amazon: if you buy all the Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
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DancingDad
post Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 01:04
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Ouch smile.gif
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captain swoop
post Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 09:21
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Just noticed there is a humour thread. I will ask for it to be moved
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captain swoop
post Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 23:52
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Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."



Someone told me I couldn't dress up as a flamingo for Halloween, so I had to put my foot down.

This post has been edited by captain swoop: Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 23:50
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freddy1
post Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 14:16
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I heard some sad news today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous .

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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mickR
post Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 19:38
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Late xmas pressie....
Dead budgie for sale
Not going cheap.
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freddy1
post Mon, 26 Dec 2016 - 12:39
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today we hear of the sad death of George Micheal

the BBC are reporting that the fact that a full chocolate bar was sticking out of his $%% is a "carless wispa"
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Sophia1979
post Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:12
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I love those jokes, please post more cause it's my daily dose of humour biggrin.gif


--------------------
I am Tony and I like to read sci-fi books.
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ItchyCrakus
post Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:17
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Where do you take a sick horse?

Horspital.


--------------------


accusare nemo se debet, nisi coram Deo
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silverfox60017
post Fri, 20 Jan 2017 - 23:36
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My dog can do magic tricks


Its a Labracadabrador

This post has been edited by silverfox60017: Fri, 20 Jan 2017 - 23:36
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mickR
post Sun, 29 Jan 2017 - 18:32
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Whats the judge with no thumbs called ?


Justice Fingers.
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