Humour thread. |
Humour thread. |
Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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#1
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Member Group: Life Member Posts: 2,872 Joined: 17 May 2004 Member No.: 1,213 |
After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !
rgds bill Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!! A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ... PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?" Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving." PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?" Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it." PC : "You've stolen the car ?" Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I saw them there when I was putting my gun away." PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?" Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns the car." Cop : "You shot the owner ?" Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot." PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?" Driver : "Yes. Sorry." The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched. Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car and talks to the driver ... Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?" Driver : "Sure. Here it is." The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points. Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?" Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document." The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the owner of the car. Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a gun in there ?" Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there." The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty. Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening the boot please ?" Driver : "No problem." The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is completely empty. Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?" Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?" |
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Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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Advertise here! |
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Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:01
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#641
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Member Group: Members Posts: 301 Joined: 30 Mar 2010 Member No.: 36,589 |
Why have traffic police officers got two holes in their underpants?
To put their legs through. Mancunian joke: What is the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes, the other takes photos |
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Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 00:13
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#642
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Member Group: Members Posts: 301 Joined: 30 Mar 2010 Member No.: 36,589 |
An Anglican vicar, a Jewish Rabbi, a Muslim Imam and a Roman Catholic Priest meet to discuss matters of faith and community unity in the Anglican parish tea room.
After the main business is done, the Vicar says: "I wish I could rid my church of the squirrel infestation we are suffering, they are here 24/7 nibbling the plants and ". The Rabbi shrugs and says "Now that is a tough one, you must show them a caring approach". The Imam reflects deeply and can only offer: "Allah can't allow you to harm these creatures". The Roman Catholic Priest said: "Ah, that's easy, baptize them all and you'll only see them at Easter because they'll hibernate through Christmas". |
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Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:31
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#643
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Member Group: Members Posts: 1,564 Joined: 27 Apr 2012 Member No.: 54,557 |
fuel economy: Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg. Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical" Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles. This post has been edited by ItchyCrakus: Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 09:33 -------------------- accusare nemo se debet, nisi coram Deo |
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Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 10:45
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#644
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Member Group: Members Posts: 26,655 Joined: 6 Nov 2014 Member No.: 74,048 |
fuel economy: Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg. Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical" Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles. But I would walk five hundred miles And I would walk five hundred more Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles -------------------- All advice is given freely. It is given without guarantee and responsibility for its use rests with the user
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Sun, 6 Dec 2015 - 11:33
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#645
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Member Group: Members Posts: 1,294 Joined: 15 Aug 2008 From: Yorkshire Member No.: 21,857 |
fuel economy: Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg. Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical" Rubbish. They walked 1000 miles. But I would walk five hundred miles And I would walk five hundred more Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles I had an Uncle with a wooden leg called George, |
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Mon, 18 Jan 2016 - 22:53
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#646
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Member Group: Life Member Posts: 24,212 Joined: 9 Sep 2004 From: Reading Member No.: 1,624 |
During the first year of my law degree, one of my coursework questions concerned an allegation of gbh, and the question posed was how would I advise the accused. My answer was to advise him that he was entitled to free legal advise from a real lawyer, and that as he was potentially facing a custodial sentence he probably ought not to rely on advice from a first year law student. Apparently that was not the answer they were looking for.
-------------------- Andy
Some people think that I make them feel stupid. To be fair, they deserve most of the credit. |
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Mon, 1 Feb 2016 - 17:59
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#647
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Member Group: Members Posts: 4,337 Joined: 4 Jan 2007 Member No.: 9,897 |
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Thu, 2 Jun 2016 - 18:15
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#648
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Member Group: Closed Posts: 9,710 Joined: 28 Mar 2007 Member No.: 11,355 |
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Wed, 8 Jun 2016 - 21:05
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#649
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Member Group: Members Posts: 235 Joined: 13 Nov 2009 Member No.: 33,662 |
A next door neighbour has just returned from Switzerland where he took his mother for the Dignitas treatment. He was absolutely livid at the way they treated her, especially what they gave her for breakfast on 'The Day'
A plate of Cheerios |
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Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 00:51
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#650
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,784 Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Member No.: 18,956 |
Nice offer on Amazon: if you buy all the Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
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Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 01:04
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#651
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Member Group: Members Posts: 25,726 Joined: 28 Jun 2010 From: Area 51 Member No.: 38,559 |
Ouch
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Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 09:21
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#652
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,784 Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Member No.: 18,956 |
Just noticed there is a humour thread. I will ask for it to be moved
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Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 23:52
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#653
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,784 Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Member No.: 18,956 |
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"
He replies, "I'm a big metal fan." Someone told me I couldn't dress up as a flamingo for Halloween, so I had to put my foot down. This post has been edited by captain swoop: Mon, 14 Nov 2016 - 23:50 |
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Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 14:16
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#654
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Member Group: Members Posts: 4,337 Joined: 4 Jan 2007 Member No.: 9,897 |
I heard some sad news today.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet. |
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Tue, 20 Dec 2016 - 19:38
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#655
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Member Group: Members Posts: 7,234 Joined: 5 Jan 2007 From: England Member No.: 9,919 |
Late xmas pressie....
Dead budgie for sale Not going cheap. |
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Mon, 26 Dec 2016 - 12:39
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#656
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Member Group: Members Posts: 4,337 Joined: 4 Jan 2007 Member No.: 9,897 |
today we hear of the sad death of George Micheal
the BBC are reporting that the fact that a full chocolate bar was sticking out of his $%% is a "carless wispa" |
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Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:12
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#657
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New Member Group: Members Posts: 1 Joined: 7 Jan 2017 Member No.: 89,494 |
I love those jokes, please post more cause it's my daily dose of humour
-------------------- I am Tony and I like to read sci-fi books.
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Sat, 7 Jan 2017 - 15:17
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#658
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Member Group: Members Posts: 1,564 Joined: 27 Apr 2012 Member No.: 54,557 |
Where do you take a sick horse?
Horspital. -------------------- accusare nemo se debet, nisi coram Deo |
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Fri, 20 Jan 2017 - 23:36
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#659
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Member Group: Members Posts: 235 Joined: 13 Nov 2009 Member No.: 33,662 |
My dog can do magic tricks
Its a Labracadabrador This post has been edited by silverfox60017: Fri, 20 Jan 2017 - 23:36 |
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Sun, 29 Jan 2017 - 18:32
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#660
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Member Group: Members Posts: 7,234 Joined: 5 Jan 2007 From: England Member No.: 9,919 |
Whats the judge with no thumbs called ?
Justice Fingers. |
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Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: Thursday, 28th March 2024 - 10:27 |