PePiPoo Helping the motorist get justice

Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

Humour thread.
Clear Skies
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
Post #1


Member
Group Icon

Group: Life Member
Posts: 2,869
Joined: 17 May 2004
Member No.: 1,213



After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
34 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 > »   
Start new topic
Replies (20 - 39)
Advertisement
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
Post #


Advertise here!









Go to the top of the page
 
Quote Post
Philwalker_wba
post Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 20:34
Post #21


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 254
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
From: Midlands
Member No.: 227



QUOTE
Clear skies said,

QUOTE
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you


I think this should be on any new design for the mugs.

Regards ..... Phil
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Quattro
post Sat, 4 Jun 2005 - 15:35
Post #22


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,150
Joined: 9 Mar 2005
From: Yorkshire
Member No.: 2,532



I was lying in a ditch once with a motorcycle on top of me. The road was covered in skid marks and lumps of mud.

A copper stops and looks down at me. He asks, "Have an accident?"

I looked up through the smoke and replied, "No thanks, I just had one!"

--------------------------------------------------

Plod pulled me over today and asked, "Are you the driver of this vehicle sir?"

I reply, "No, it's an automatic, but I have to be here."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Insider
post Mon, 6 Jun 2005 - 22:20
Post #23


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 3,410
Joined: 14 Nov 2004
From: Inside somewhere ;-)
Member No.: 1,871





RoosterUK tried to post this in 'general interest' , so i've put it here  :wink:


--------------------
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
chadders
post Wed, 22 Jun 2005 - 09:22
Post #24


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,654
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
From: Leeds / Manchester
Member No.: 1,888



After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the Cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's
really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more
reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Ziltro
post Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 18:16
Post #25


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,119
Joined: 21 Jun 2005
From: Poole, Dorset
Member No.: 3,211



Take a look at The Process: http://www.dorsetsafetycameras.org.uk/process.htm

1. A motorist drives past one of our cameras. Note the "ghost car" shown here may sometimes affect the speed reading. The camera takes a picture of the rear of the car.

2. Evidence is fabricated. In this case it is a photograph of the front of the car.

3. Take a closer look, you can see how grainy the photo is.

4. This evidence is passed around faceless groups and eventually some bent numbers end up in PNC.

5. The "Please incriminate yourself" letter is sent out.

6. RK threatened with legal action until they pay up.

--

Andrew.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
JT
post Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 18:43
Post #26


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 906
Joined: 14 May 2004
Member No.: 1,205



Simply Brilliant! laughing4.gif


--------------------
There's too much complacency. Somebody ought to do something about it!
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Philwalker_wba
post Mon, 27 Jun 2005 - 22:35
Post #27


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 254
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
From: Midlands
Member No.: 227



On one of the scameraships web sites there was a similar item (sorry cant remember which now).

It was one of the flow charts where you answer the question and you go to the next box depending on your answer.  One leg led down the Fixed Penalty route ending up with you accepting it and paying up, the other down the court route, funny thing is on this route if you elected to go to court you're tried by magistrates and they determine the fine you receieve.  Bit of a freudian slip because there was no the magistrate finds you not guilty and you claim cost, which ever leg you followed you are guilty and pay up.

I wrote to ask them why, but the never replied, I wonder why.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Ziltro
post Tue, 28 Jun 2005 - 00:38
Post #28


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,119
Joined: 21 Jun 2005
From: Poole, Dorset
Member No.: 3,211



I was driving on the A351 towards Corfe Castle (just after the Purbeck School roundabout) and noticed 3 signs by the side of the road. They said something along the lines of:

"Welcome to the safe Purbecks"
"Help to make them safer"
"Remove all valuables from your car"

Good advice really.

Next time I went past there were only 2 signs, I guess the 3rd had been stolen!

ps. it's back now, but it definatly went missing...

--

Andrew.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
anton
post Tue, 28 Jun 2005 - 17:03
Post #29


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,751
Joined: 12 Aug 2004
From: hampshire
Member No.: 1,514



New road signs to be placed
on the entrance to the countryside!



[size=18]That should cover it!


--------------------
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Clear Skies
post Thu, 30 Jun 2005 - 09:57
Post #30


Member
Group Icon

Group: Life Member
Posts: 2,869
Joined: 17 May 2004
Member No.: 1,213



Rules For Clear Writing
·  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

·  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

·  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

·  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

·  Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

·  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

·  Be more or less specific.

·  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

·  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

·  No sentence fragments.

·  Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

·  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

·  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

·  One should never generalize.

·  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

·  Don't use no double negatives.

·  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

·  One-word sentences? Eliminate.

·  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

·  The passive voice is to be ignored.

·  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

·  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

·  Do not use multiple exclamation points NOR all caps for emphasis!!!

·  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

·  Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

·  Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

·  Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

·  If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

·  Puns are for children, not groan readers.

·  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

·  Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

·  Who needs rhetorical questions?

·  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

·  The passive voice should never be used.

·  Do not put statements in the negative form.

·  A writer must not shift your point of view.

·  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

·  Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

·  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

·  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

·  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

·  Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

·  Always pick on the correct idiom.

·  The adverb always follows the verb.

·  Be careful to use the rite homonym.

·  And last...

·  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


rgds
Bill


--------------------
QUOTE
God always has a custard pie up his sleeve....
Georgy Girl



Carbon Offset & support PePiPoo
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
chadders
post Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 09:32
Post #31


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,654
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
From: Leeds / Manchester
Member No.: 1,888



Posted on behalf of Clear Skies

"I bet she wasn't pulled for not wearing a helmet"


(think I got the quote correct)

EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
firefly
post Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 12:28
Post #32


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 4,705
Joined: 3 Sep 2003
From: ex-Scotland
Member No.: 298



I can see it.  :bootyshake:  :thumbright:


--------------------
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Clear Skies
post Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 16:26
Post #33


Member
Group Icon

Group: Life Member
Posts: 2,869
Joined: 17 May 2004
Member No.: 1,213



QUOTE (firefly)
I can see it.  bootyshake.gif  icon_thumleft.gif


whats daft, is for a reason best known to the little people working hard inside my machine,   I am unable to see it.

Thus  will have to make do with firefly's animated  bum , .  :love9:

rgds


--------------------
QUOTE
God always has a custard pie up his sleeve....
Georgy Girl



Carbon Offset & support PePiPoo
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
chadders
post Tue, 5 Jul 2005 - 16:45
Post #34


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,654
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
From: Leeds / Manchester
Member No.: 1,888



QUOTE (Clear Skies)
firefly's animated  bum


OO-er Matron!

Well, I s'pose people will get a good look now he's a biker  :lol:
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Quattro
post Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:12
Post #35


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,150
Joined: 9 Mar 2005
From: Yorkshire
Member No.: 2,532



EDIT: can people just confirm they can see this picture above! I can see it, but Clear Skies cannot! Oh I'm confused...

Nope  :evil:
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
firefly
post Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:15
Post #36


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 4,705
Joined: 3 Sep 2003
From: ex-Scotland
Member No.: 298



Peculiarly, I can no longer see it.  :?


--------------------
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
chadders
post Wed, 6 Jul 2005 - 22:52
Post #37


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 1,654
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
From: Leeds / Manchester
Member No.: 1,888



I'm off for a long walk off a short pier ... it's always displayed for me!

What's going on with ImageShack  :?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Insider
post Thu, 7 Jul 2005 - 08:09
Post #38


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 3,410
Joined: 14 Nov 2004
From: Inside somewhere ;-)
Member No.: 1,871



QUOTE
What's going on with ImageShack


I think it had hit it's 'per image' bandwidth limit  :wink:

It's back now, and as I remember it's around 100mb an hour.


--------------------
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
NoWayK
post Fri, 8 Jul 2005 - 18:58
Post #39


Member
Group Icon

Group: Life Member
Posts: 83
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Member No.: 1,781



I am willing to concede that I have square eyes and a gooey brain from plowing through unhealthy amounts of case law.  As a consequence, I feels duty-bound to concede further that it would not be Wednesbury unreasonable for a court to conclude that I might have gone a bit hatstand.  :roll:

This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/uk/cases/UKHL/2004/3.html&query=horseferry+bennett&method=all#disp1)
R v H & C (2004)[/url]]13. The duty of prosecuting counsel, recently considered by the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in Randall v The Queen [2002] UKPC 19, [2002] 1 WLR 2237, para 10, is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice. As Rand J put it in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen [1955] SCR 16, 24-25:
"Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength but it must also be done fairly".
QUOTE ([url=http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/2003/68.html)
Randall v The Queen (2003)[/url]]10. There is, however, throughout any trial and not least a long fraud trial, one overriding requirement: to ensure that the defendant accused of crime is fairly tried. The adversarial format of the criminal trial is indeed directed to ensuring a fair opportunity for the prosecution to establish guilt and a fair opportunity for the defendant to advance his defence. To safeguard the fairness of the trial a number of rules have been developed to ensure that the proceedings, however closely contested and however highly charged, are conducted in a manner which is orderly and fair. These rules are well-understood and are not in any way controversial. But it is pertinent to state some of them:

(1) The duty of prosecuting counsel is not to obtain a conviction at all costs but to act as a minister of justice: R v Puddick (1865) 4 F & F 497 at 499; R v Banks [1916] 2 KB 621, 623. The prosecutor's role was very clearly described by Rand J in the Supreme Court of Canada in Boucher v The Queen (1954) 110 Can CC 263, 270:
"It cannot be over-emphasized that the purpose of a criminal prosecution is not to obtain a conviction; it is to lay before a jury what the Crown considers to be credible evidence relevant to what is alleged to be a crime. Counsel have a duty to see that all available legal proof of the facts is presented: it should be done firmly and pressed to its legitimate strength, but it must also be done fairly. The role of prosecutor excludes any notion of winning or losing; his function is a matter of public duty than which in civil life there can be none charged with greater personal responsibility. It is to be efficiently performed with an ingrained sense of the dignity, the seriousness and the justness of judicial proceedings."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
jeffreyarcher
post Sat, 9 Jul 2005 - 21:38
Post #40


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 8,639
Joined: 5 Jul 2003
Member No.: 134



QUOTE (NoWayK)
This clarification not withstanding, D submits that he has reread the following 5 times and that it just gets funnier every time. D submits that if he reads it again it will officially be the funniest thing ever. D seeks clarification: were learned lordships deliberately taking the P?

No, you misunderstand. They were talking about a complex fraud trial.
Murderers, rapists, child molesters and major fraudsters are all entitled to various protections, including that of not being required to incriminate themselves.
None of that applies in the case of a motorist.
Also, as has been discussed elsewhere, serious criminals have to be convicted before their assets are seized.
Again, motorists can now have their assets seized, not only when they have not been convicted, but when no conviction is possible.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

34 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 > » 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 



Advertisement

Advertise here!

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: Tuesday, 25th September 2018 - 20:03
Pepipoo uses cookies. You can find details of the cookies we use here along with links to information on how to manage them.
Please click the button to accept our cookies and hide this message. We’ll also assume that you’re happy to accept them if you continue to use the site.