PePiPoo Helping the motorist get justice

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Humour thread.
Clear Skies
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
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post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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Mika
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 11:26
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Bill,

One of yesterday’s posts had given me a similar idea and you will probably be able to guess which one.

Sadly, the following story is true:

Date: 01/01/2000
Location: M4 west bound approaching the M32 junction – Bristol

For those that remember New Years day in 2000, you will recall that it was a beautiful sunny day and the roads were virtually deserted – funny that.

GF: “Look, the chap behind us has got millennium headlamps.”

Me: “No he hasn’t - it’s an unmarked traffic car and he wants you to pull over - I told you to keep it bellow 100 mph.” rolleyes.gif

GF: “I am not pulling over….”

NIGHTMARE icon_eek.gif


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anton
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 18:04
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maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/"

It will get widely distrubuted at work!


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318ti
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 20:11
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The only problem is that this is such an old joke now. It's been on many a joke site and sent in many an email.

Sure there must be newer ones (and also funny ones) out there.


--------------------
I hope justice is found here in this court room today. Before justice finds you.
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Talion
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 21:09
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QUOTE (anton)
maybe you should distribute the first joke as an e-mail with a wee note on the bottom  
"If you have a real speeding ticket you might find sme help on http://pepipoo.com/"

It will get widely distrubuted at work!

and run the risk of been labellled as a spam site !!
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jester
post Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:06
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heres my contribution 4 what its worth... apologies in advance

Bloke gets pulled over by a traffic officer:

Plod : Ello ello ello, your eyes look very red sir, have you been drinking?

Driver : No officer, but your eyes look very glazed , have you been eating doughnuts?

boom boom.

Or, local news reports that all the traffic lights in the high street have been stolen. Police spokesman commented that "some people will stop at nothing".........


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Talion
post Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:23
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A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.

The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."

The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."

The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."

"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"

"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration." The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, step out of the car."

As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his truncheon and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"
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Talion
post Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:32
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Cops get caution wrong,

When Johnny was arrested, they told him, "You do not have to say anything, but anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."

========================================


Just a thought, but has anyone noticed since the hosepipe ban, confession in police custody have gone down ?
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jester
post Fri, 10 Sep 2004 - 12:48
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These are all Tommy Cooper's work - enjoy!!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it'.

You know, somebody actually complemented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted' and I swerved ...

And he rang up a second time and said 'you've been promoted again' ...

And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'you're a Managing Director' ...

And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said 'what happened to you?' ...

And I said 'I careered off the road.'


laughing4.gif


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If they gave condoms to prostitutes there'd be no such things as civillian camera-operators
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Adrian
post Sat, 2 Oct 2004 - 00:23
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my contribution, the least i could do after all the help and advice smile.gif

While I was driving down the M1 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Copper on the other side of it with a radar gun laying in wait.

The Copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm late for work." The Copper asked me what I do for a living to which I replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, the three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

My polite reply was "You give it a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding Ticket £105.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on Copper's face...

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!
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Clear Skies
post Tue, 19 Oct 2004 - 17:56
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http://adverts.freeloader.com/zurich/



how well can you park.. It is a battle of the sexes.

rgds
bill


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God always has a custard pie up his sleeve....
Georgy Girl



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Mavrik
post Mon, 28 Feb 2005 - 13:42
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Policeman pulls a guy for doing over 50mph in a 30 zone

Policeman : do you know what speed you was doin

man: yes officer

Policeman: do you know how long I followed you for

man: yes officer

Policeman: why when you knew I was following you did you continue at that speed

man: well officer, my wife left me to go and live with a policeman

Policeman: thats no excuse sir

man: no, but I thought you was trying to bring her back to me


laugh.gif  :lol:  :lol:
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cuddlyewok
post Thu, 17 Mar 2005 - 07:21
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Sitting on the side of the motorway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a  Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly eleven miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "11" was the motorway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the A 120."
laugh.gif


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'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.' - Albert Einstein
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Clear Skies
post Thu, 17 Mar 2005 - 11:29
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Tickets



I went shopping the other day, and I was in there for only

about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a traffic warden writing

out a parking ticket.



So I went up to him and said, "Come on, pal, how about giving

a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi with masculine deficiencies. He glared at me and

started writing another ticket for having worn tyres!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second

ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about

20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.


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God always has a custard pie up his sleeve....
Georgy Girl



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OU812
post Tue, 22 Mar 2005 - 11:05
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http://www.e-database.co.uk

(has been working but wasnt when I just tried it)
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Insider
post Tue, 22 Mar 2005 - 11:42
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A truck driver was pulled over by a Traffic Cop. The officer told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the officer.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed!" said the trucker.

********************************************************

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

********************************************************

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

********************************************************

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

********************************************************

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyser."

********************************************************

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the boot, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Road Wars?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

********************************************************


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Maersk2
post Wed, 18 May 2005 - 17:38
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icon_twisted.gif
Farmers boy phones farmer from the far side of the farm and tells him that he has had an accident with the tractor.
What happened said farmer.
I hit a pig and it is trapped in the grille sqealing in agony.
OK says farmer there is a shotgun in the tractor shoot the pig.
Call finishes.

Five minutes later, phone rings again.

Farmers boy tells farmer that he has shot the pig and has disposed of the carcass in nearby woodland.

He asks what to do with the BMW motorcycle.
icon_twisted.gif 8)  8)  8)
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JT
post Wed, 18 May 2005 - 18:26
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TrafPol stops young tearaway, after a prolonged and hair-raising chase. When he finally gets him to pull over the adrenaline is fairly flowing. He races up to the car and berates the young driver:

Cop: "Are you a complete bloody idiot?"
Driver: "Why, are you recruiting?"
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Clear Skies
post Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 13:45
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Bumper Stickers I'd like to see:

- All generalizations are false

- I'm not as think as you drunk I am

- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart

- He who laughs last thinks slowest

- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

- Born free... Taxed to death

- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the ATO

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative

- Where there's a will, I want to be in it

- OK, who stopped payment on my reality cheque


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God always has a custard pie up his sleeve....
Georgy Girl



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Insider
post Thu, 2 Jun 2005 - 18:55
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Fancy getting one of these and attempting to send it off to one of the camera partnerships...  :lol:



I don't think they'd fall for it though  :wink:


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