Humour thread. |
Humour thread. |
Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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#1
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Member Group: Life Member Posts: 2,872 Joined: 17 May 2004 Member No.: 1,213 |
After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !
rgds bill Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!! A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ... PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?" Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving." PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?" Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it." PC : "You've stolen the car ?" Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I saw them there when I was putting my gun away." PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?" Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns the car." Cop : "You shot the owner ?" Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot." PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?" Driver : "Yes. Sorry." The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched. Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car and talks to the driver ... Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?" Driver : "Sure. Here it is." The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points. Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?" Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document." The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the owner of the car. Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a gun in there ?" Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there." The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty. Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening the boot please ?" Driver : "No problem." The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is completely empty. Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?" Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?" |
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Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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Advertise here! |
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Sun, 27 Aug 2023 - 08:11
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#761
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
In the Houses of Parliament which rule this great land
When a motion is passed the members all stand. In my rented house which I do not own When a motion is passed the member sits down. -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Thu, 31 Aug 2023 - 09:15
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#762
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
Codswallop
Rubbish Absurdity Piffle This aptly describes what we are faced with everyday. Or put another way: This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Thu, 31 Aug 2023 - 09:19 -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Wed, 6 Sep 2023 - 07:58
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#763
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
Transport for London.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Fri, 15 Sep 2023 - 22:24
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#764
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
KROK=Karma Rules OK.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Mon, 25 Sep 2023 - 09:13
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#765
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
Net Zero=An unsuccessful fishing expedition.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sun, 29 Oct 2023 - 11:19
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#766
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 4 Nov 2023 - 18:24
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#767
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 11 Nov 2023 - 07:28
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#768
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
Buffalo drops his boy off to attend school. What does he say to him?....................................................Bison.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Wed, 22 Nov 2023 - 21:05
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#769
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
Knock knock.
Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hallucination, pepipoo is still working! -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 17:05
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#770
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
NSL=No such luck.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 20:58
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#771
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
In the Houses of Parliament which rule this great land,
When a motion is passed, the members all stand. In this house of mine which I do not own, When a motion is passed, the member sits down. This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Sat, 25 Nov 2023 - 21:08 -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Tue, 28 Nov 2023 - 11:44
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#772
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
British Prime Minister to Greek Prime Minister: "You've lost your marbles. "
Greek Prime Minister to British Prime Minister: "So have you!" This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Tue, 28 Nov 2023 - 11:44 -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 16 Dec 2023 - 23:39
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#773
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
If I ever spent a night or two etc. in a prison, I would ask for a room overlooking a bus lane or yellow box junction. For obvious reasons.
This post has been edited by Schofeldt: Sat, 16 Dec 2023 - 23:42 -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Sat, 30 Dec 2023 - 12:59
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#774
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
One day in New York, a narcissist had a chance meeting with Mariah Carey during which she asked him what he would like for Christmas to which he replied: All I want for Christmas is a
Mirror. -------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Thu, 11 Jan 2024 - 16:44
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#775
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Member Group: Members Posts: 49 Joined: 26 May 2012 Member No.: 55,128 |
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!" |
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Wed, 31 Jan 2024 - 21:37
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#776
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Fri, 16 Feb 2024 - 13:52
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#777
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Member Group: Members Posts: 49 Joined: 26 May 2012 Member No.: 55,128 |
The bear
Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it". |
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Sat, 2 Mar 2024 - 17:50
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#778
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Member Group: Members Posts: 6,963 Joined: 19 Dec 2006 From: Near Calais Member No.: 9,683 |
Latest traffic news, a Mr.Whippy van overturned in Bexleyheath. Police have the area coned off... It was reported after a member of the public dialled 99.
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Sun, 24 Mar 2024 - 11:27
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#779
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Member Group: Members Posts: 2,407 Joined: 14 Apr 2022 Member No.: 116,298 |
We have carefully considered=We were in Wales at the time.
-------------------- People, we come and go Memories, they ebb and flow. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life.
People, we can be kind True love is hard to find. When we fill our lives with emptiness This does not create true happiness. As this is the Dance of Life. Animals, we kill to eat For many, it’s just a treat. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance. As this is the Dance of Life. Our Earth is our Heavenly home God-given to freely roam. When we fill our lives with arrogance We create a huge imbalance As this is the Dance of Life. One day, we will all be judged This simple truth cannot be fudged. When we carry on so blindly We do not act all so kindly. As this is the Dance of Life. As Above, and so Below A simple truth to help us grow. When we put aside our egotism We will really find altruism. As this is the Dance of Life. The Divine lives in all things Manifested in music’s rings. The planets are a testament To the everlasting firmament. As this is the Dance of Life. It's all in the wrist. |
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Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: Thursday, 28th March 2024 - 15:45 |