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Humour thread.
Clear Skies
post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"
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post Thu, 9 Sep 2004 - 10:56
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Fluffykins
post Tue, 7 Feb 2017 - 22:28
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Did you hear about the new royal dynasty that was uncovered in the Egyptian desert? A fantasitcally well preserved mummy was uncovered. There were even detectable food traces found on the bandages: mostly nuts and a form of chocolate, all of which pointed archaelogists at the identity of the royal figure as being Pharo Rocher.
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JagDriver
post Wed, 8 Feb 2017 - 12:39
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Whats the difference between America and a pot a yogurt?


The 2 weeks the yogurt will have developed a culture.
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Fluffykins
post Tue, 21 Mar 2017 - 14:50
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So Queen Victoria was at Balmoral and was invited by a friend to a small function .

The affair was to be a fancy dress party and Victoria was deliberating what to wear when her ghillie, John Brown told her he had an Elk costume that could offer something different.

“No!” replied Victoria “We are not a moose”

This post has been edited by Fluffykins: Mon, 27 Mar 2017 - 14:45
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Fluffykins
post Tue, 13 Jun 2017 - 09:48
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So have you seen the liquid Viagra? Comes in a bottle a bit like a Tippex bottle.

Picked up a Tippex bottle by mistake the other day and took some of that. Woke up next morning with an enormous correction
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freddy1
post Thu, 22 Jun 2017 - 19:22
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The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on *****, purple lipstick, and a 'Theresa May for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the May T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
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Neil B
post Thu, 13 Jul 2017 - 22:43
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--------------------
QUOTE (DancingDad @ Fri, 11 May 2018 - 12:30) *
Neil is good at working backwards.

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mickR
post Tue, 26 Sep 2017 - 10:25
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I had an odd job guy round and gave him a list of 10 things.
He did 1,3,5,7 and 9.
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Mr Meldrew
post Fri, 10 Nov 2017 - 19:41
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Morrisons’ car park last night (true)

Stranger lifts hatch of seemingly empty adjacent car just as I climb out of mine.

Stranger: “Alright?”
Me: “Fine mate, you?” (Friendly folk round here)

Dog now visible in stranger’s car.

Me: “I feel so stupid, I thought you were talking to me”

I set my car alarm, ‘chirp’, ‘chirp’.

Stranger loading shopping: “Do you think people take any notice of car alarms these days?”

Me: “You asking the dog or me?”

Stranger: “You, ‘cus I can’t get the dog to answer those kind of questions.”

Made my evening (I don’t get out much)


--------------------
I do tend to have a bee in my bonnet re failing to consider and fairness
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Neil B
post Tue, 21 Nov 2017 - 16:08
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Tickled me.

Needs volume.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IerrIrsW0Fc


--------------------
QUOTE (DancingDad @ Fri, 11 May 2018 - 12:30) *
Neil is good at working backwards.

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micaRoss
post Mon, 26 Feb 2018 - 08:01
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I like this one:
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Fluffykins
post Wed, 31 Oct 2018 - 11:42
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.” So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer… always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What's on TV?” I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and processed my application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.”
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started...
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BoboTheViking
post Sun, 5 Apr 2020 - 12:56
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I’ve just heard that following the success of the nationwide clapping for NHS workers,
there will tomorrow be a round of applause for all the courier and delivery drivers
who are getting everything to our doors.
It will take place anytime between 9 am and 6 pm.
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Fluffykins
post Mon, 13 Apr 2020 - 21:16
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QUOTE (BoboTheViking @ Sun, 5 Apr 2020 - 13:56) *
I’ve just heard that following the success of the nationwide clapping for NHS workers,
there will tomorrow be a round of applause for all the courier and delivery drivers
who are getting everything to our doors.
It will take place anytime between 9 am and 6 pm.


I'll probably be clapping from a secure place behind my side gate.

Either that or I'll leave a card
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BoboTheViking
post Thu, 16 Apr 2020 - 16:23
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Today while taking my daily exercise on my pushbike, I rode to a supermarket and bought a bottle of gin so I don't run out during lockdown.

But as I put it in the basket on the bike, I thought, "What if I fall off my bike and it gets broken?"

So I drank it all outside the shop.

Good job I did because I fell off the bike 7 times on the way home.



When you venture out for necessities during the present ongoing contagion, people must not cough near you.

They must cough far away.

If you hear someone coughing, tell them to "Far Cough"!

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BoboTheViking
post Fri, 17 Apr 2020 - 14:21
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I just phoned the local council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house.

The lady said, "Go for it, fatty, you could do with the exercise".
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mickR
post Fri, 17 Apr 2020 - 15:51
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My mrs woke up with a massive smile on her face toady !
I fu@king love felt tips.

Wife missing

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
God, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband:
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter.

Sergeant:
Don't worry, we'll find your Audi
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Fluffykins
post Mon, 27 Apr 2020 - 17:08
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What was the most useful item in a Roman engineer's toolbox?

The aqueduct tape

I'll get my toga now
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PASTMYBEST
post Mon, 27 Apr 2020 - 17:55
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Anyone got a service manual for a wife. Mines starting to whine

A woman takes a baby for a check up, the doctor examines the child and after a thorough examination says the child is quite a bit underweight. How is he being fed, the doctor asks, bottle or breast. Breast of course says the woman somewhat indignantly.

Hmm says the doctor, strip to the waist please. He proceeds to examine the woman's breasts in a very through but professional manner. No wonder the baby is under weight he says you are no producing milk.

Well of course not she say I'm the grandma, but I'm glad I came


--------------------
All advice is given freely. It is given without guarantee and responsibility for its use rests with the user
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