Humour thread. Options

[Clear Skies]

After reading so many court cases and judgements, I feel there is a need for a humour thread, Strictly family safe ! And if we stick to this thread , it won't clog up the more important stuff !

rgds
bill

Subject: How to get out of a speeding ticket!!!!


A speeding driver is pulled over by the police ...

PC : "May I see your driver's license, Sir ?"

Driver : "I haven't got one. I've been banned for drink driving."

PC : "Do you have the vehicle registration documents on you ?"

Driver : "It's not my car. I stole it."

PC : "You've stolen the car ?"

Driver : "Yes. But I think the documents are in the glove box. I think I
saw them there when I was putting my gun away."

PC : "There's a gun in the glove box ?"

Driver : "Yes. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns
the car."

Cop : "You shot the owner ?"

Driver : "Yes. I've got her body stuffed in the boot."

PC : "You've got a body in the boot ?"

Driver : "Yes. Sorry."

The PC is a bit worried about the situation, calls his station, and an
Armed Response Unit along with a Sergeant is immediately dispatched.

Surrounded by armed police, the Sergeant nervously approaches the car
and talks to the driver ...

Sergeant : "Can I see your license, Sir ?"

Driver : "Sure. Here it is."

The driver hands over his licence which is clean of points.

Sergeant : "Who does this car belong to Sir ?"

Driver : "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration document."

The driver hands over his registration documents which show he is the
owner of the car.

Sergeant : "Could you slowly open your glove box. I believe you have a
gun in there ?"

Driver : "A gun ? No, there's no gun in there."

The driver opens the glove box, which is completely empty.

Sergeant : "Would you mind getting out of the car, and opening
the boot please ?"

Driver : "No problem."

The driver gets out, opens the boot which, like the glove box is
completely empty.

Sergeant : "I'm sorry Sir; I don't understand. The officer who stopped
you said you didn't have a licence, had stolen the car, were carrying a
gun, and had shot a woman, whose body you'd dumped in the boot ?"

Driver : "I suppose the lying bar steward told you I was speeding as well ?"

[Advertisement]

[ItchyCrakus]

Americas Thanksgiving festivities are now over. The tradition of eating Turkey is thought to have begun when Native American Indians presented the birds to the Pilgrims as gifts, hence the continuing tradition of eating the fine bird. Just think if they had been presented with a cat.....They would all be eating ***** at least once a year.

[minotaur]

Why aren't there more muslims in America?

Muslims pray before each meal - who has time to pray 34 times a day?

[JagDriver]

Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.

[bama]

and French.

[paulajayne]

And Welsh

[Gan]

Their Statue of Liberty is French and I recall reading that their National Anthem is Welsh

[Gan]

How not to propose

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30462825

[emanresu]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Albert Ross]

Gives a whole new meaning to HEADS OF LOSS

[emanresu]

Daily Mail Article from their Royal Correspondent

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.


Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. .

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."


"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." .

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. .

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.



"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.


"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"


The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

"Let's have another look at the dog."

[The Rookie]

Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.

As opposed to Hindi?

[dave comer]

We have started to call grandad Spiderman. Not that he has got superhuman powers but for the fact that he has difficulty getting out of the bath.

[Michael Gibson]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

[ItchyCrakus]

Oddly the Indians who presented those Turkey's to the Pilgrims spoke perfect English.

I thought you had a sense of humour........especially seeing your screen name.

[Gan]

Can't imagine that Obama could handle this situation as well as Ronald Reagan did

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82012462/

[c2k]

The inventor of predictive text has unfortunately died
His funfair will be held on sundial

[freddy1]

school registration

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For fcuk sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen! :smile:

[freddy1]

check the writing on the rear side window

[freddy1]

fuel economy:

Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"

[CoffeeAddict]

A new way to get out of parking tickets:

https://www.facebook.com/thatisjokess/video...753358/?fref=nf